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Dear mother letters that you never send
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 667311" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Like the Isis hostages, Cedar?</p><p>Good move.</p><p>Do you agree with D H, Cedar?</p><p>And this, Cedar, do you agree with D H?</p><p>And what do you think, Cedar?</p><p>I for one can understand why you did not confront little or big wrongness, Cedar. The only time I did, ever, I got legal representation.</p><p></p><p>Kayla, the American Isis hostage that forcibly was taken as a wife by the ISIS commander could have confronted her abuser, too. She did not. Because she knew she would be killed. Do you judge her Cedar? She also had the opportunity to escape. She told her friend she was afraid to because she knew she would be beheaded, if found out. Do you judge her Cedar, as a coward, because she wanted to live?</p><p>When I think of defending myself with my sister this would be the only result that could realistically be expected.</p><p></p><p>When I paid for an attorney to challenge my mother about the inheritance, and secured an small settlement for each of us, I asked my sister to help me with the legal costs. When I did so, she said I was abusing her...because she was under a great deal of stress in her job.</p><p></p><p>We know these people like a book. It is not irrationality or sensitivity or timidity that has motivated us to craft almost identical ways of responding to these people...it is because any other way to respond would have and would still generate a swift and killing answer by them. A completely disproportionate and killing response. A Donald Trump response. We would be half dead.</p><p></p><p>Why would any sane person go against people like this from a place of reciprocity and I and thou? Cedar, you say that it would have been better to have spoken out about small or big things to your mother...and brought the conflict out in the open before your dear daughter was harmed by sister. That made complete sense to me. Until I thought about it.</p><p></p><p>What really would have changed? Do you really think your sister would have resisted an opportunity, no matter how many times you had allowed your mother to attack you...(which is surely what she would have done) for setting limits...You would have been obliterated. Your sister still would have done whatever she wanted. </p><p></p><p>Cedar, there is no response. Not one, that will stop them. They do not listen or learn. They attack worse and worse and escalate more. Each time.</p><p></p><p>Each of us persists in believing if I woulda coulda done xx, or yy or zz, they would have acted better. And then, we repeat it, over and over again. Because the only real reason for speculating about xx, yy and zz is to punish ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Even if you had confronted them on the first xx, there is no guarantee that one or the other of them would not have gone after somebody even worse. They do what they want. Sometimes it is better to run for cover and stay out of their way.</p><p></p><p>Serenity, in some ways your mother is the easiest of the mothers because of how black-hearted she was. I am sorry to have to put that in writing, but it is true. She does not deserve a letter. She is best left where she is, in the past.</p><p></p><p>In the months we have been doing FOO, Serenity, you have changed. You show your sweet heart more, your defenses are less. </p><p></p><p>I believe this might be because you no longer fear the idea of having love for a mother <em>able to love you which your mother could not. Because of her. Who she was. It had not one thing to do with you. You deserved a million per cent better. You deserved a mother like you are.</em></p><p></p><p>I hope the day comes very, very soon that we all accept that there is nothing left to do; there is nothing left we should do.... Because it was all determined by then. The only thing open to us is to move away. We have.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 667311, member: 18958"] Like the Isis hostages, Cedar? Good move. Do you agree with D H, Cedar? And this, Cedar, do you agree with D H? And what do you think, Cedar? I for one can understand why you did not confront little or big wrongness, Cedar. The only time I did, ever, I got legal representation. Kayla, the American Isis hostage that forcibly was taken as a wife by the ISIS commander could have confronted her abuser, too. She did not. Because she knew she would be killed. Do you judge her Cedar? She also had the opportunity to escape. She told her friend she was afraid to because she knew she would be beheaded, if found out. Do you judge her Cedar, as a coward, because she wanted to live? When I think of defending myself with my sister this would be the only result that could realistically be expected. When I paid for an attorney to challenge my mother about the inheritance, and secured an small settlement for each of us, I asked my sister to help me with the legal costs. When I did so, she said I was abusing her...because she was under a great deal of stress in her job. We know these people like a book. It is not irrationality or sensitivity or timidity that has motivated us to craft almost identical ways of responding to these people...it is because any other way to respond would have and would still generate a swift and killing answer by them. A completely disproportionate and killing response. A Donald Trump response. We would be half dead. Why would any sane person go against people like this from a place of reciprocity and I and thou? Cedar, you say that it would have been better to have spoken out about small or big things to your mother...and brought the conflict out in the open before your dear daughter was harmed by sister. That made complete sense to me. Until I thought about it. What really would have changed? Do you really think your sister would have resisted an opportunity, no matter how many times you had allowed your mother to attack you...(which is surely what she would have done) for setting limits...You would have been obliterated. Your sister still would have done whatever she wanted. Cedar, there is no response. Not one, that will stop them. They do not listen or learn. They attack worse and worse and escalate more. Each time. Each of us persists in believing if I woulda coulda done xx, or yy or zz, they would have acted better. And then, we repeat it, over and over again. Because the only real reason for speculating about xx, yy and zz is to punish ourselves. Even if you had confronted them on the first xx, there is no guarantee that one or the other of them would not have gone after somebody even worse. They do what they want. Sometimes it is better to run for cover and stay out of their way. Serenity, in some ways your mother is the easiest of the mothers because of how black-hearted she was. I am sorry to have to put that in writing, but it is true. She does not deserve a letter. She is best left where she is, in the past. In the months we have been doing FOO, Serenity, you have changed. You show your sweet heart more, your defenses are less. I believe this might be because you no longer fear the idea of having love for a mother [I]able to love you which your mother could not. Because of her. Who she was. It had not one thing to do with you. You deserved a million per cent better. You deserved a mother like you are.[/I] I hope the day comes very, very soon that we all accept that there is nothing left to do; there is nothing left we should do.... Because it was all determined by then. The only thing open to us is to move away. We have. [/QUOTE]
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