Death, Death and sickness...

[totoro]

Blech!!! Poor husband... 2 of his childhood friends, that he spent a lot of time with, both of their Father's passed away last week. He is was supossed to go to the funeral's. But with K and he just got back from being gone 2 weeks... so he had to let them know he could not attend . ALL of his friends went.
SO then Friday, his half-Sister in Indy, her Mom passed of Pancreatic Cancer... he should go to the Funeral... he is still debating. It is Thursday, but we are supposed to fly out on Wednesday next week for K's new psychiatrist...
SO then Monday, phone call from his Grandpas nurse, (his parents are somewhere in Mexico) He is being rushed to the Hospital... He has to call his Aunt in Indy to drive up to N Indy... So we waited to yesterday to see what was going on... he was releases.
They think it is anxiety... he is just freaking out about everything, loosing his wife, can't drive, I think just getting old, reality! he is 85. Sad.
He is starting to slip...
So poor husband is trying to stay positive but he has no idea what to do... he would have to fly out and try to get back here, from his sisters Mom funeral...
Last time he left it triggered K pretty bad, it was just 2 weeks ago. He also has to leave pretty soon after we get back for 10 days!!!
So he is trying to skip the funeral... His Father is the only one who seems to care, they have not been married in over 40 years!!!
husband sister fully understands, her son has issues. We sent a huge basket and are flying her out here when she is ready for a break.
Should husband go? I told him to do what ever makes him feel less guilt and what he thinks is the right thing.
This is also costing A LOT...and no his Dad can not help out with price... we end up helping him out sometimes...
ANy ideas.
Thanks

 

[WhymeMom?]

I think it would be real easy to say finances and time are just in too short a supply. If husband wasn't close with this woman and sister understands I would say it would be better to plan a trip for the living.....Also I would bring in the chaos of airlines right now.....just can't count on a flight......

 

[dreamer]

no ideas- just hugs! gosh how awful!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I would think that if half sister understands, he should skip the funeral. As far as his dad goes, I think husband has to decide what impact his presense will have on his dad versus the negative impact his abscense will have on K.

That's nice a wishy-washy isn't it. Kinda like what you already told him.

Hope he is able to work out what is best for the majority of his loved ones.

Sharon

 

[totoro]

Well I guess his Dad keeps calling him... His sister really wants him there... I just wish his Dad would stay out of it. As does husband. I told him just to go. I think he is.
The thing is, his Dad is just so DOWN... he is SO negative... he dwells on everything... he is still hung up on husband Mom and his Divorce 35+ years ago!!! He is one of those, "Everything bad that happens I have NO control over" Glass half empty... His wife has SEVERE Anxiety, will not travel, barely leaves the house. Chronic pain... has pretty bad depression. Thinks we have abandoned him... It is very hard for husband to be around him...
He is really nice, but it wears on you after a couple hours... LOL
We try to help him out... we just bought him and husband sister flights out here. He has never visited us out here since K was born... we have always traveled to him... His wife will not.

So husband will do his family Duty... and they just go on and on about what is wrong with the kids... I told him just to print up some facts, about sensory processing disorder (SPD), Anxiety, and Early Onset Bi-Polar (EOBP)... Hand them out and say, "Here if you really want to know, read up"
His sister is truly awesome, she deserves him to come and support. It is the rest...
I guess I have my answer... sigh.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Totoro,

I know you know the old addage that we can't pick our family...... With all their quirks, issues, baggage, judgements, etc., they are still all we have. I think his willlingness to go where he is needed and your support of that need, speaks very highly of the kind of folk you are.

Hugs.

Sharon

 

[Hound dog]

No real advice. Just wanted to offer ((((hugs))))). Whew! That is tons to deal with all at once.

 

[Star*]

Toto -

I am so sorry for husband's best friends passing. How awful to loose your childhood friends at such an early age. Please pass my condolences on to him. And for his step sisters mother's passing.

I guess the thing about funerals is there really is not a protocol to follow on what is right or wrong, because NO MATTER what you do - you will always end up peeving someone off - people choose the oddest moments to draw their lines in the sand. In this particular instance based on what you've told us, here are my thoughts.

I think your husband's DAD is the one that you should put on a plane for the funeral. If he wants your husband to go in his place, then he should discuss it with his wife and of course we all know how that would go - but seriously - Tell the man if HE wants to go -GO! As far as his 1/2 sister knowing how things are and not really wanting him to come - I think you've sent that enormous basket, you've offered her a plane ride for a basically free vacation - and THAT to me at the time of my Mothers death would be more appreciated than if my 1/2 brother came. Unless that was the woman that raised him? I don't think I'd tell husband to go. That plus the fact that K will go into another tailspin. (That in itself is another something to consider but - if Daddy travels - K may have to get used to it more than she wants/is able to at this time.)

What if you called the 1/2 sis and said - Look I can come, or I can buy Dad a ticket to go, or I can leave an open ended invitation for you to come here after you are settled and just visit for a few days - no kids etc??

What think?

 

[Abbey]

Star is right. There really is no protocal. Everyone deals with this in a different way. Heck...I've even DJ'd funerals who knew their loved one would not want everyone sitting around sad and bickering. It's a bit odd...but that is what I'd want. Everyone laugh and have a great time. Don't morn, but celebrate a life.

Hugs to you and family during this time.

Abbey

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry. Funerals are so sad, and adding family unpleasantness is just too much. It happens far too often.

In the same situation, I think we would have to put our children first and do what is best for them. It may mean someone is unhappy, but kids just have to be the first priority, immediate family (those who live in the house you live in) next priority, and all other family after those two groups. So, do what is best for your family. Whatever that may be.

Sending hugs,

Susie

 

[totoro]

Thanks ladies... you are all the best!!!
His Dad lives near his sister, we bought his Dad a ticket our here to visit, along with his sister, because none of them can afford it and they have never been here to visit... and since we are moving.
So even though the tickets are ridiculous, we looked on every travel site! One had him over 1500$ and traveling for 19 hours on Wednesday!!! Spokane to Indianapolis!!!
So the ticket is still way too expensive and he leaves at 5am, which and had to stay until Friday. So 3 days in the minds of a difficult child...
He called his sister and his Dad... they don't get it.
So to keep the peace and because my husband is way too nice. He bought the ticket. I am kind of PO'd but I told him, you are going, or you would not still be discussing this, you would have told them NO... You would have told them you just can't. You would have explained and said sorry but this is why.
He has all of these guilty things from his childhood... not spending enough time with is Dad or half-Sister...
Oh well we will get through this.
I feel bad for husband, he is stuck. He just wants to be the good guy.
Thanks for letting me get it out!!!
I may be crying come THursday night... I just hope his Papaw holds on for awhile. He is home now in N Indy doing OK...

I just need to get through these psychiatristS apt!!! 2 weeks, just give me 2 weeks!!!