Death, moving 5 houses, invesigation, job loss - life is depleting me

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Jul 30, 2011.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I woke up this morning, with this very, very odd feeling. It must have been part of a dream I had, or something. But I was sorta weepy, and in my mind I had this cloak on that only had a few beautiful pieces of embroider left on it. The rest of the cloak was bare. I took Tesla on a walk, and the image of the cloak stayed in my mind. The image made me feel so empty and lost inside, where are the rest of my beautiful embroidered pieces for my cloak?

    As my reality went sifting through my soul, I realized that despite moving to an amazing place in a few weeks, I am still suffering from a gaping wound in my being.

    When I think of my life, it seems to start back when H died. Then Matt went to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 2 years, and 6 months later I moved to AZ for this great job. I fell in love with the desert, and my boss was amazing. I was so happy for that 6 months. Then my boss left, and my life crumbled once again. I had a new horrible boss who harassed me daily, I got mono, and then whopping cough, and Matt got kicked out his Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Slowly, like the cacti, I became thorny, dry, and started losing hope. HOPE - as in the entire entity - I was losing.

    Then my dad was diagnosis was brain cancer, and Matt had a breakdown and moved to AZ with me. Two months after that, out of the blue, I was fired for no cause. My file was clean. But my boss hated me - and AZ is an at will state.

    Since then I took upon myself the role of helping my mom. I was present for the last months of my dad's death. I watched as they zipped up the body bag, and placed a flag on him. So many feelings, so many. Then I flew to Dallas for the memorial. I had written him a poem for the memorial that I managed to read without crying;

    I pen this sitting in my red rock desert, as the wind blows, and the rain gently falls,
    Dad your spirit is within every gust, every drop, and in every raven's call.

    Just as you loved me, your love for nature ran equally as deep,
    The two are now locked as one inside my soul, forever mine to keep.

    Side by side with heavy packs, you and I walked hundreds of miles.
    Trudging through streams, mountains, and through many stormy trials.

    You were my stalwart, my compass, my mentor, my strength,
    Never hesitating to stop and teach me the details of the fuana, regardless of the trail's length.

    Heidi and I would often follow our fearless pack leader, hand in hand,
    As we learned the true meaning of fortitude, tenacity, and how to take a stand.

    Later in life. as my paths were paved with hardships not flowers,
    I realized your perseverance had created a reservoir within me of tremendous power.

    The power to go the distance, to never give up, to never give in, to never waiver,
    A power that comes from enduring extreme elements that one can later savor.

    And you, my father, even off the trail, continued to be my pack leader, my mentor, my guide,
    Pointing out the fault line in my life plans, or giving me shade under which I could hide.

    Even under pressing circumstances, tragedies, and places where light and hope were far,
    You continued to be my source of direction, my rock, my North Star.

    Forever all the trails I hike, all the rivers I forge, all the mountains I see,
    You will be soaring above reminding me of your love for me.

    I really miss my North star. That strength he had, even if it was crusty, it was present, my rock. His love was a constant.

    From my dad's death and forward everything has been chaotic, and I think I have lost my sense of being. I flew to Dallas 2 more times to help my mom pack the family house of 40 years and sell it. About 1/3 of the house we put in storage in Portland, which we then moved to my house in WA, and the other 1/4 we put in my moms condo in Portland.

    I decided after my Dad died that I should move NW to be closer to all of my family. So now, I am packing my house, and being the cattle prod that I wish Matt didn't need, to pack his house. (GEEZ). I am also in the middle of this huge investigation that I started when I got fired. A week ago they called and asked me to do -oh- about a weeks worth of homework. It is SO much.

    As I go through and write down everything they want for this investigation, it occurs to me that I absolutely gave that company every single thing I had left to give a company. Everything. I now feel completely depleted. I gave so much to this company, and then to get fired! I believe I have nothing else left, ever, to give to an organization again. But what is worse is that I don't even feel like writing my book anymore. I do not even have the passion to finish the book that I have been working on for years. Instead just feel hollowed out, and alone.

    I came out to this desert, to make my own life. To be happy, finally, to claim this life as my own. And it didn't happen. I want to go to Washington with that same spirit of hope and tenacity, and I don't feel it. I want to hope, and dream - but it is just not there. I just still feel too sad about my dad, and losing my job, and I feel so exhausted from already moving my mom twice, that I have no energy or gumption to move one more thing.

    And then of course, as if a difficult child would make anything easier:( His Dr gave him Percosat for his back problems - and he is a monster on them. I have to sell the trailer he is in, in order to move - and I have discovered all sorts of crazy little projects he has done in the house that require repair. I mean, really???? Why can't he just live in a house, normally, clean, and take care of it, etc. We are not moving until he gets the house sell-able which means, oh I don't know - hell?

    I just feel so odd and I wish I knew what to do or say. I miss my dad and want to talk to my mom about it, but she has done this thing she does where she compresses her feelings into, um, steel? And she has no feelings. It makes it that much weirder to deal with death, when I am an open book, and she is a trash compactor.

    I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I hope I do not come across as complaining. I just don't want to feel empty anymore. I want to feel hope. I want to wake up thankful for a new day. I want a job where someone can see my talents, not step on them like they are wilting flowers. I want the drama in my life to stop. And I want friends, and a boyfriend - a real life. But I cannot actually visualize any of those things happening - because the HOPE is gone. I feel like I have lost my best friend, this thing called hope. It was all I have ever had to inspire me, and keep me going forward. And now, I am just a robot, doing what I need to do to survive.

    I know this post is the longest, possibly ever - sorry. Thank you for listening.
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) No, you are absolutely NOT complaining. You are still mourning. Not just the loss of your Dad, but your job and your life due to difficult child issues. in my opinion it's as if you kept having things piled on top of you one right after the other so you haven't had the chance to mourn and let go and move on. You've had to function.

    Have you explored grief counseling? Have you 'allowed' yourself to indulge in sufficient "pity parties". Have you considered a vacation or even a staycation? It can be short, but remove yourself from all those things that HAVE to be done, and just focus on finding your own joy.

    Your Dad is still with you, influencing you EVERY day. Your reservoir needs to be replenished. Not for the things that HAVE to get done - you seem to have that part down pat.
    Literally, stop and smell the roses on occasion. Stop to see the smallest details and smallest things that can bring the joy back to your life.

  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Steely - you have had change after change after change. Someone told me recently - boring is good. And you and I have not had boring.


    Those missing parts? Will always be missing - but as life goes on, we have other things that keep us going. Yes, we miss those people and things, even miss ourselves. But that's the nature of being alive. Nothing is constant. It grows and flourishes or withers and passes.
  4. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Steely, your words reached out of the screen at me. The palpable grief, despair, and exhaustion, made their impact. Losing a parent, especially in your case, is life altering. I sense you're carrying so much grief, but your life's other shattering events allow no time nor energy to cope and move through it.

    One foot in front of the other and if need be, one minute at a time.

  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Steely - the Eskimos have a saying "Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."

    You have to believe that they're with you. As far as all of the stuff you're going through? It's natural. It's simply more no less. What you have to consider is that you're able to feel them, suffer from them and yes, like a pheonix, rise from the ashes again, and again, and again.

    Bernice Johnson Reagon once wrote: "Life's challenges are not meant to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

    Please know that just because hope is fleeting right now, doesn't mean that you'll never catch up with it...look for a tiny bit of beauty in your life everyday...the sound of rain on the roof, the morning air, the wonder of a trail of ants on the sidewalk...a child smiling - anything.

    We love you Steely...know that in your heart!

  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Steely I wish that I had words to help you through these rough times.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Steely -

    These are normal feelings... its just not "usual" to have so many major stress points at the same time - not usual, but normal.

    You will heal. You will feel whole again, even though parts are "missing". Things like the book... will come back, later.
    Right now - you only have two things to deal with... your own internal processing of all that has happened, and the "one-foot-in-front-of-the-other" daily details of life that it takes to survive, and to get to where you need to be.

    Hang in there.
    And keep talking... we're listening, even if its all we can do.

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    steely, I know you are still grieving all the losses you have had in your life in such a short time but its time that you stop taking on the notion that you are responsible for everything. One person can only do so much!

    Didnt you tell us you found this wonderful place up near your mom and matt? If moving up there takes selling some idiotic trailer in AZ, well, put it on the market as is and let someone else have the headaches.

    I think you need to get someplace and just decompress for a bit and you will start to feel better.
  9. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Sending Hugs and I will keep you in my prayers. Rabbit
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Steeley, I truly understand your fatigue, your depletion of all resources. Just want to offer gentle (((hugs)))
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Steeely I'm sorry you are feeling lost and sad but really it takes time to work through heavy emotions, grief, fears. You have been "sucking strength" out of yourself for a long time now. Everything you have faced you have handled with grace and dignity but you are depleted. That is normal. You've operated on adrenalin and inner resources. It's like "going to the well" too often. Now is the time to coast, slowly regain some strength and utlimately find the joy that you want and deserve. the process can't be hurried. Focus on one day at a time until you get your bearings again. Hugs. DDD
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thanks guys, I hope I will feel better, but then again, I don't really feel hope anymore. Instead I just feel disconnected, almost like a dismemberment of the soul has happened. It is a horrible feeling - I think I would rather feel mad, or scared, or grieved - anything but not alive real.

    Janet - I do take on more than I should, and the place in WA is what I am holding onto as a cornerstone to change. Matt and my mom will be 2 hours away in Portland, and that will be especially helpful with the situation with Matt. I also have a friend that is moving to Portland, and a cousin who is my age that lives there.

    I guess I didn't ever think about just leaving the trailer as is and let someone else figure it out - in fact I don't even know how I would do that - as I am not sure it would sell, and I definitely would not get my money back out of it.

    The other thing that I started LAST Sept, when I had more mental energy was this investigation. Two weeks ago, they finally decide they want a novel about my employment there - and that was really the last straw. Again, I could blow the case off - but it has gotten so far now that they will still keep it as a case even if I blow it off, and I will be given a subpoena to testify. This is not something I did with my own lawyer - or with my own rules - it is really out of my hands.

    One thing is for sure, is that when I get to WA I am going to start like a dog walking/sitting company or something. A job that I can have on my own terms, that does not require any mental energy. I feel like I am 18 again, literally. The thought of a "hard" job starts to give me hives.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Sadness - takes your time.

    Happiness - gives you time.

    If I were to give you one gift? I'd give you a broken watch.

    Find the SOMETHING in your life that GIVES you something back instead of....allowing all the things in your life that have taken from you to contine to TAKE your time from you.

    Our time on this earth is short. What time you are given? Use it to make yourself happy! :flirtysmile3:and tell the rest of those thoughts to let you be in peace.

    Hugs and Love
  14. ML

    ML Guest

    I wanted to chime in and send love and vibes of healing our way. You have just had one crushing disappointment and loss after the other for so long now. I really feel badly for you and hate that I have nothing more insightful to say here. Your writing is wonderful and I hope that passion to finish your book comes back soon. Hugs and Love, ML
  15. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Steely, I truly don't know what to say to help you -- you have had so many knocks.

    I'm just sending you a hug, and my "ear" to "listen." You are not alone with your board family here all caring about you and sending you strength to get through this difficult time.

    Love, Esther
  16. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I really hope you find peace in your new endeavor. I don't mean to proselyize, but if you are a church goer (or not), perhaps you can find peace in a church where you are moving to. Begin and then go from there. You really need that sense of peace to come over you.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are many people that are looking for a cheap place to put a difficult child kid in...(just look at how many of us would take a run down trailer to stick our kids in!). The first place Cory had was so beat up and atrocious it should have been condemned. The little house he is in right now is just a few steps up but he thinks it is a palace. At least the floor is solid and it doesnt have holes in the walls and the doors are (I really have to take pics of this place and post it)

    I truly believe someone would buy the trailer from you for their difficult child. I was looking for a run down trailer for Cory for a couple of months and was gonna pull one over on our land if I could find one cheap enough. Now Im sure you wont get what you paid for it...if you bought it new. You never will. Mobiles lose value quick just like cars. Especially singlewides. I have no idea what it looks like inside but if you can just get the trash out, then eyeball it. If the sink works, the water heater works, it just has some cosmetic damages like some holes in the walls that can be fixed with patches...not too bad. What year is it? You can probably get about 5 to 7k if its not torn up too badly.
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You've been through a lot and you are still worn out. And guess what? You're still carrying the burden of helping other people.
    by the way, in regard to the "novel" you have been requested to fill out about work, that's why a lot of people drop lawsuits. They just can't take it any more.
    I agree with-what the others have said.
    I'm sending hugs.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh...about this novel thing and the lawsuit. I forgot you mentioned that. I assume that it is extremely hard because you have to get the dates and people and places etc in order right?

    I found a piece of software online that might help with that and its free. If you want, just let me know and I will give you the name. It allows you to put the characters (main and minor), places, times, etc all in and then you can see if you are missing data. It might help you get this together easier.
  20. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thanks Janet for the offer - but I actually just finished my "novel" for work, and I feel a thousand pounds lighter!!! I do wonder if that was some of what was pulling me under - having to go and relive that crazy place again, day after day - it was horrible. It was almost as bad as working there. Terry, I do see now, why my dad always told me that it would not be worth my sanity to file a suit - but - I did......oh well......

    Janet, I am glad you brought this whole trailer thing up, because the trailer that matt is in, is exactly that, a difficult child trailer. I bought it for 8K, and it was clean, sort of. But you are right, I could probably still sell it at 8K despite the fact that he drilled holes in the kitchen cabinet to do what???? And that a pane of glass is broken, stove burners are missing, the gate is falling off, and the carpet has many spots. I am trying to reel that whole thing in, and not worry about it. I just don't want to lose too much, because it is that money that is buying the trailer in Oregon.

    I know Janet, Star, and Terry you guys all mentioned me still taking care of other people - but I do think I am doing better, right? Or am I still disillusioned?