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Decisions, decisions... Now what??
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 679218" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome to the forum, Lmack, and I'm so sorry for your shock and pain and fear about your son. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I could have written this almost word for word. It stuck me how much your story sounds like my son's story at the very beginning. One thing I learned (over time) is that what I knew was just the tip of the iceberg. I am sure that today, I still don't know 1/10th of it, and you know what, I don't need to and don't want to. The details don't matter. </p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>The part about him not talking to you is very interesting. He likely doesn't want to hear it, and since you are so far away, is he possibly wondering what you can do about it? </p><p></p><p>One thing I learned that really gets their attention is this: Stop the flow of money. That doesn't mean jerk him out of school, but how do you handle his spending money? Stopping that until he agrees to communicate with you might be something to consider. Communicating with you, his parents, while you are paying his college bills, needs to be non-negotiable. The fastest way to get some response from him, if reason doesn't work, is to stop the money. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very true. I believe for many, this will be the case, and there will be some drama and issues, and then they will be resolved. I have two sons, and one pretty much did what we expected him to do and went on to grad school as well. Our younger son went off the rails very very quickly at age 19 and proceeded to continue to go down, down, down rapidly for the next five years. That doesn't mean your son will, at all. I believe my son has the brain disease of addiction, like his father does. Do you have a family history of addiction? Could this be a possibility? If it is, it's a much bigger issue than simply boys being boys. But that doesn't mean you have to handle it differently at this point. Setting boundaries is always the first step regardless of the seriousness of the origin of the problem. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Absolutely great advice. I made this mistake many many times. I would blow up in my fear and despair and say all kinds of things I couldn't back up and even if I thought I could back them up, he would manipulate me and wear me down. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is why Go Slow is also excellent advice. All of this with your son didn't happen overnight and it won't get cleared up overnight. So take a little time, a few days and try to reach consensus with your husband first about next steps. You two can always change your minds as information requires. Go Slow. It's okay. </p><p></p><p>I am sure you are very upset and scared, and I remember that very very well. It drives you to want to DO SOMETHING and do it NOW. Resist the impulse. Slowing down and taking stock and determining first small steps is the way to go. It's not an emergency right now and it's been going on for a while so give yourselves time to think and decide.</p><p></p><p>We are here for you. We have been through the ups and downs and quagmire of this. Most of the themes are the same...only the details are different. Setting boundaries and living our own lives, and letting our adult children (I know they are immature but they are still considered to be adults) learn how to navigate life and live with the consequences of their own choices is what we have to learn how to do. It's very hard, and we all need lots of support and you'll find that here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 679218, member: 17542"] Welcome to the forum, Lmack, and I'm so sorry for your shock and pain and fear about your son. I could have written this almost word for word. It stuck me how much your story sounds like my son's story at the very beginning. One thing I learned (over time) is that what I knew was just the tip of the iceberg. I am sure that today, I still don't know 1/10th of it, and you know what, I don't need to and don't want to. The details don't matter. The part about him not talking to you is very interesting. He likely doesn't want to hear it, and since you are so far away, is he possibly wondering what you can do about it? One thing I learned that really gets their attention is this: Stop the flow of money. That doesn't mean jerk him out of school, but how do you handle his spending money? Stopping that until he agrees to communicate with you might be something to consider. Communicating with you, his parents, while you are paying his college bills, needs to be non-negotiable. The fastest way to get some response from him, if reason doesn't work, is to stop the money. This is very true. I believe for many, this will be the case, and there will be some drama and issues, and then they will be resolved. I have two sons, and one pretty much did what we expected him to do and went on to grad school as well. Our younger son went off the rails very very quickly at age 19 and proceeded to continue to go down, down, down rapidly for the next five years. That doesn't mean your son will, at all. I believe my son has the brain disease of addiction, like his father does. Do you have a family history of addiction? Could this be a possibility? If it is, it's a much bigger issue than simply boys being boys. But that doesn't mean you have to handle it differently at this point. Setting boundaries is always the first step regardless of the seriousness of the origin of the problem. Absolutely great advice. I made this mistake many many times. I would blow up in my fear and despair and say all kinds of things I couldn't back up and even if I thought I could back them up, he would manipulate me and wear me down. That is why Go Slow is also excellent advice. All of this with your son didn't happen overnight and it won't get cleared up overnight. So take a little time, a few days and try to reach consensus with your husband first about next steps. You two can always change your minds as information requires. Go Slow. It's okay. I am sure you are very upset and scared, and I remember that very very well. It drives you to want to DO SOMETHING and do it NOW. Resist the impulse. Slowing down and taking stock and determining first small steps is the way to go. It's not an emergency right now and it's been going on for a while so give yourselves time to think and decide. We are here for you. We have been through the ups and downs and quagmire of this. Most of the themes are the same...only the details are different. Setting boundaries and living our own lives, and letting our adult children (I know they are immature but they are still considered to be adults) learn how to navigate life and live with the consequences of their own choices is what we have to learn how to do. It's very hard, and we all need lots of support and you'll find that here. [/QUOTE]
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