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Deep Breaths...trying to stay at least semi-detached
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704045" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Lil. Your son always lands on his feet. Every single thing he does, he is developing resilience and a sense of what he wants or does not want. This is exactly what a parent wants. He is learning. You are letting him.</p><p>I think I am in the same age cohort as PASA. I lived in Berkeley. My mother was pretty indifferent to how I lived. My father, completely unconcerned.</p><p></p><p>I was never a wild kid, but the milieu then was wild. Rioting in the street (I got an FBI file). Orgies in college housing (I politely left.) I worked but at night as a waitress. There I was thrown in over my head. Alcohol. I drank a lot at bars. Every night. Near, too near, serious crime. Hells Angels. I was exposed to heavy drugs. Which I mostly did not use. The early punk thing. Everywhere was heroin, even where I lived. Shooting up. Beaten up by boyfriends. Guns drawn. Victimized sexually. I lived like that from 21 to 23, and to a lesser extent to 25. To give myself credit, I managed to graduate from a good university and start a professional job while all of this was going on. How I did this I am not quite sure.</p><p></p><p>In a million years from my posts you would not guess that that had been my past. I am certain of that.</p><p></p><p>PASA is one hundred percent correct. Our experiences shape us. To decide based upon experience what we do not want. How we do not want to live.</p><p></p><p>What we need to do to overcome our false starts or wrong turns.</p><p></p><p>From your son's posts over the year and a half or so I have been here, he is learning. He seems more confident, more resilient, more stable, more independent, and more socially competent. He seems to whine way less. He has more self-control.</p><p></p><p>And he left of his own accord. OK. He might have had to get out of Dodge. But he did it on his own steam.</p><p></p><p>And you are doing it, too.</p><p></p><p>I think my son has not been served by our attempts to "help him" grow up, to accept responsibility, to become productive. While he may have accepted in part our aims, he did so to accomplish his own.</p><p></p><p>My son cares deeply about his physical security. He wants to be in an a middle class or upper class environment. He does not enjoy street life. He has learned that it is dangerous and anxiety provoking. He has been attacked and robbed several times. Once by several people at once. Once, he was hit over the head and robbed. Once, somebody came at him with a knife. Maybe he has PTSD, now, too.</p><p></p><p>So, this he has learned. To want to get out of the cold and to want to stay out of danger's way. To keep problematic people at bay. To avoid conflict when he can. To check himself before he explodes in anger, so as to avoid attacks or retribution by others. This, I will give him.</p><p></p><p>Now. What my son has not learned is reciprocity, or really, to learn that love or any other favor that is granted-does not come without conditions. In our case, we spelled them out.</p><p></p><p>For some reason, he believed he could continue to fool us because we love him or because we are fools. Or is he such a fool that he continued to try. I do not know anymore who is the fool. Who knows?</p><p></p><p>Maybe they live moment by moment, and they do not think down the road. At this point I do not care anymore. He will have to find a way to survive, or not.</p><p></p><p>Maybe he can never ever be by us. I do not know. Maybe he will never love me.</p><p></p><p>I do believe that it helped him to come out of the cold. Because it could help him feel safe, he was less defensive on the street, and could evaluate his circumstances and better control his emotions. That I know for sure.</p><p></p><p>But will I be able to keep him alive for ever? Can I prod him to go to the doctor for his liver until I am 85 if he lives that long? Can M scan the yards for marijuana when he is 80? Do I really want to choose to have in my environment somebody who lies to me and tries to deceive me actively?</p><p></p><p>M I believe would accept my son back, if my son accepted responsibility and cleaned up his drug test. Myself?</p><p></p><p>I think part of my despair is I am beginning to fear that I am at the end of the line. That I cannot do it anymore without great cost. And I will not.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is hard. It is hard for me, too, but not as hard. I can hide out in anger. You do not seem to have this refuge.</p><p></p><p>In this long, long post I just want to tell you that you are doing very, very well. And I believe you are acting in the best interests of your child.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704045, member: 18958"] Lil. Your son always lands on his feet. Every single thing he does, he is developing resilience and a sense of what he wants or does not want. This is exactly what a parent wants. He is learning. You are letting him. I think I am in the same age cohort as PASA. I lived in Berkeley. My mother was pretty indifferent to how I lived. My father, completely unconcerned. I was never a wild kid, but the milieu then was wild. Rioting in the street (I got an FBI file). Orgies in college housing (I politely left.) I worked but at night as a waitress. There I was thrown in over my head. Alcohol. I drank a lot at bars. Every night. Near, too near, serious crime. Hells Angels. I was exposed to heavy drugs. Which I mostly did not use. The early punk thing. Everywhere was heroin, even where I lived. Shooting up. Beaten up by boyfriends. Guns drawn. Victimized sexually. I lived like that from 21 to 23, and to a lesser extent to 25. To give myself credit, I managed to graduate from a good university and start a professional job while all of this was going on. How I did this I am not quite sure. In a million years from my posts you would not guess that that had been my past. I am certain of that. PASA is one hundred percent correct. Our experiences shape us. To decide based upon experience what we do not want. How we do not want to live. What we need to do to overcome our false starts or wrong turns. From your son's posts over the year and a half or so I have been here, he is learning. He seems more confident, more resilient, more stable, more independent, and more socially competent. He seems to whine way less. He has more self-control. And he left of his own accord. OK. He might have had to get out of Dodge. But he did it on his own steam. And you are doing it, too. I think my son has not been served by our attempts to "help him" grow up, to accept responsibility, to become productive. While he may have accepted in part our aims, he did so to accomplish his own. My son cares deeply about his physical security. He wants to be in an a middle class or upper class environment. He does not enjoy street life. He has learned that it is dangerous and anxiety provoking. He has been attacked and robbed several times. Once by several people at once. Once, he was hit over the head and robbed. Once, somebody came at him with a knife. Maybe he has PTSD, now, too. So, this he has learned. To want to get out of the cold and to want to stay out of danger's way. To keep problematic people at bay. To avoid conflict when he can. To check himself before he explodes in anger, so as to avoid attacks or retribution by others. This, I will give him. Now. What my son has not learned is reciprocity, or really, to learn that love or any other favor that is granted-does not come without conditions. In our case, we spelled them out. For some reason, he believed he could continue to fool us because we love him or because we are fools. Or is he such a fool that he continued to try. I do not know anymore who is the fool. Who knows? Maybe they live moment by moment, and they do not think down the road. At this point I do not care anymore. He will have to find a way to survive, or not. Maybe he can never ever be by us. I do not know. Maybe he will never love me. I do believe that it helped him to come out of the cold. Because it could help him feel safe, he was less defensive on the street, and could evaluate his circumstances and better control his emotions. That I know for sure. But will I be able to keep him alive for ever? Can I prod him to go to the doctor for his liver until I am 85 if he lives that long? Can M scan the yards for marijuana when he is 80? Do I really want to choose to have in my environment somebody who lies to me and tries to deceive me actively? M I believe would accept my son back, if my son accepted responsibility and cleaned up his drug test. Myself? I think part of my despair is I am beginning to fear that I am at the end of the line. That I cannot do it anymore without great cost. And I will not. I am sorry this is hard. It is hard for me, too, but not as hard. I can hide out in anger. You do not seem to have this refuge. In this long, long post I just want to tell you that you are doing very, very well. And I believe you are acting in the best interests of your child. [/QUOTE]
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