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Deep Breaths...trying to stay at least semi-detached
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<blockquote data-quote="so ready to live" data-source="post: 704133" data-attributes="member: 20054"><p>LIL. Oh Lil. It's so hard especially when it's cold...add the holidays?</p><p>I'm having a worse time now than in months. Last year at this time, we let our son come home for the LAST time. </p><p>It was cold.</p><p>He had no where to go.</p><p>Sleeping in his car.</p><p>"I don't have anyplace to goo, you are my family..."</p><p>He was home for 2 months, started out great, gradually went back to old friends, old ways and then we found drugs in our home and once again made him leave. I don't want to go through that again with him. Here we are, 1yr. later, he is being evicted, no where to go again. and it's cold...</p><p>Copa's broad description of "want the cake and eat it too" mentality fits my son to a tee. Our son is adopted and I'm always afraid that his "can you help me?" calls equate to do you love me? If he only knew how much we do. </p><p></p><p>I will think on this although who plays what role at any one time is fluid. Is the fool the one trying to figure out who the fool is?</p><p></p><p></p><p>I believe this but am not so sure of the<em> I will not</em>, for us. There's a part underneath my skin that fears stopping still. I know this is about me. It's the PTSD of years of him failing. I expect it, I'm so afraid of it. </p><p></p><p></p><p>My anger lasted a few months only. Now it is cold again and I am so sad. For me, it is tears brimming many times a day. It is awakening over and over at night with my son as the first and only thing on my mind. For hubs it is inability to concentrate at work. </p><p></p><p>Isn't this the leap of detachment? Lil, your son is young and has landed on his feet many times. I feel he is out there figuring it out. I have hope for him.</p><p> I try to remember when I'm sad all I have learned here, it is easy to speak a good case to you, so much harder for me to live it. When my heart beats hard at the sound of a loud truck, a car door, I am afraid yet again. Afraid I am not better, that I just talk better. When we go to pick out a Christmas tree and I think I don't feel like it, then remember I didn't feel like it last year or the year before...Can one person, even one we love so much wield that much power? To ruin our years? </p><p>My love and blessings to us all this season, praying that our understanding of "can't control it" would equate to health for us. To happiness despite our circumstances, to living above what happens or doesn't. Prayers.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="so ready to live, post: 704133, member: 20054"] LIL. Oh Lil. It's so hard especially when it's cold...add the holidays? I'm having a worse time now than in months. Last year at this time, we let our son come home for the LAST time. It was cold. He had no where to go. Sleeping in his car. "I don't have anyplace to goo, you are my family..." He was home for 2 months, started out great, gradually went back to old friends, old ways and then we found drugs in our home and once again made him leave. I don't want to go through that again with him. Here we are, 1yr. later, he is being evicted, no where to go again. and it's cold... Copa's broad description of "want the cake and eat it too" mentality fits my son to a tee. Our son is adopted and I'm always afraid that his "can you help me?" calls equate to do you love me? If he only knew how much we do. I will think on this although who plays what role at any one time is fluid. Is the fool the one trying to figure out who the fool is? I believe this but am not so sure of the[I] I will not[/I], for us. There's a part underneath my skin that fears stopping still. I know this is about me. It's the PTSD of years of him failing. I expect it, I'm so afraid of it. My anger lasted a few months only. Now it is cold again and I am so sad. For me, it is tears brimming many times a day. It is awakening over and over at night with my son as the first and only thing on my mind. For hubs it is inability to concentrate at work. Isn't this the leap of detachment? Lil, your son is young and has landed on his feet many times. I feel he is out there figuring it out. I have hope for him. I try to remember when I'm sad all I have learned here, it is easy to speak a good case to you, so much harder for me to live it. When my heart beats hard at the sound of a loud truck, a car door, I am afraid yet again. Afraid I am not better, that I just talk better. When we go to pick out a Christmas tree and I think I don't feel like it, then remember I didn't feel like it last year or the year before...Can one person, even one we love so much wield that much power? To ruin our years? My love and blessings to us all this season, praying that our understanding of "can't control it" would equate to health for us. To happiness despite our circumstances, to living above what happens or doesn't. Prayers. [/QUOTE]
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Deep Breaths...trying to stay at least semi-detached
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