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General Parenting
"Defiance" is diagnosis of child therapist
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 55116" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>Well, I wouldn't do that, but I would put her in her room and refuse to interact with her until she stopped. You don't say how old she is, so it's hard to know what time period we are talking about.</p><p></p><p>Believe me when I say that M was totally defiant from about age 6 on. Things got better when he was about 10 or so and we got a therapist who said essentially the same thing about him, and recommended time outs. We thought he was a total A S S to suggest it. But he explained to us that the point of the time out was to end the discussion/argument. There wasn't usually going to be a resolution, because really, the discussion was just over, period. </p><p></p><p>The recommendation was to get a timer, and timeout lasted as many minutes as he was old. Three years old, three minutes, etc. The timer started when he went into his room. He had to stay in there and be quiet - not interact with us in any way - for the time set. If he started kicking the wall or hollering at us, the timer stopped. I might quietly go to his door and say "The timer will start again when you are quiet." When he was quiet, the timer would start again. When it went "ding", he could come out. What he could <em>not</em> do when he came back out was take back up where he started. If it was an important issue, he could have a calm discussion at a later time, but acting out brought him back to time out. <em>Most</em> times, there was no valid reason to revisit the issue as we had made our decision before the hissy fit started.</p><p></p><p>I know that people pooh-pooh time outs, but it's the way you use the time out that makes it work, not the time out. Your difficult child and you both need to know what the time out is there to accomplish. The time out is about ending the craziness. It's not about punishment, it's not about bringing the argument down a notch. It's about your child knowing that you will not engage in their acting out anymore. You have a great head start by not giving in. Try the timer. We <em>never</em> thought it would work, but it kept the peace in our house. M still had his problems, believe me, but I would never have made it through my marriage or as his mother (I seriously would have walked out) if it weren't for the time outs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 55116, member: 99"] Well, I wouldn't do that, but I would put her in her room and refuse to interact with her until she stopped. You don't say how old she is, so it's hard to know what time period we are talking about. Believe me when I say that M was totally defiant from about age 6 on. Things got better when he was about 10 or so and we got a therapist who said essentially the same thing about him, and recommended time outs. We thought he was a total A S S to suggest it. But he explained to us that the point of the time out was to end the discussion/argument. There wasn't usually going to be a resolution, because really, the discussion was just over, period. The recommendation was to get a timer, and timeout lasted as many minutes as he was old. Three years old, three minutes, etc. The timer started when he went into his room. He had to stay in there and be quiet - not interact with us in any way - for the time set. If he started kicking the wall or hollering at us, the timer stopped. I might quietly go to his door and say "The timer will start again when you are quiet." When he was quiet, the timer would start again. When it went "ding", he could come out. What he could [i]not[/i] do when he came back out was take back up where he started. If it was an important issue, he could have a calm discussion at a later time, but acting out brought him back to time out. [i]Most[/i] times, there was no valid reason to revisit the issue as we had made our decision before the hissy fit started. I know that people pooh-pooh time outs, but it's the way you use the time out that makes it work, not the time out. Your difficult child and you both need to know what the time out is there to accomplish. The time out is about ending the craziness. It's not about punishment, it's not about bringing the argument down a notch. It's about your child knowing that you will not engage in their acting out anymore. You have a great head start by not giving in. Try the timer. We [i]never[/i] thought it would work, but it kept the peace in our house. M still had his problems, believe me, but I would never have made it through my marriage or as his mother (I seriously would have walked out) if it weren't for the time outs. [/QUOTE]
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