Defiant daughter - what do I do?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by memeliza, Sep 22, 2011.

  1. memeliza

    memeliza New Member

    I had a defiant daughter that did drugs,stole, was sexually active and she does have bipolar but she uses it as an excuse for being rude and mean, she was very abuseive to her younger sister which is *orca auntie* and there was so many problems she was pregnant at 15 and yes all her crying and me feeling like I was a bad mother always gave in. I paid her rent,food etc... she had a loser boyfriend tha was and still is a drunk. I have custody of her 3 children and now the oldest of the 3 female 13 years old is acting just like her mother and I will not be jello in her hand I am srtict as I was with her mom we constantly dis agree she thinks she can do what ever she wants her yponger sibling are (sick) of her drama I have put jer in the court diversion program even though she has not committed a crime. I feel that if she sees a third part that sets rules will work. so far it has not not sure what to do next I really think her mom is (brain washing her) what do I do?
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Guest

    Hi memeliza, welcome to our community.

    Your post has been moved from the watercooler thread into this thread so it doesn't get lost.
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hi and welcome. Give it some time and I'm sure others will be along to offer their advice.

    I am wondering, how often do your granddaughters see or spend time with their mother? How much influence does she have over them if you have custody? Are you working with any doctors? Is the 13 y/o on medications or under a doctors care? Does your husband help support your efforts? Sending lots of hugs, prayers and support.

    It would help if you created a signature to help us better understand your situation.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    What type of things to you have in place already to difficult child and you besides the courts diversion system. Is she in counseling, or been tested for a mental illness?
  5. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Wanted to send a welcome. X brain washes difficult child 1. I haven't found anything to counteract it yet. I'm still looking; haven't given up. Right now I just try to be very consistent and challenge the yucky thinking any time it comes up. I also enlist the help of anyone I can to reinforce normal thinking. I try to show him that its not just me, but his therapists and doctors. and church members and family members, ect.... all tell him to act the same way I tell him to act. I think eventually I'll get through to him, but it might be even after he is 18. When the contact isn't court ordered.
  6. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator


    First, I would talk to your lawyer about limiting contact between your daughter and her kids. Second, I would make sure granddaughter has been properly evaluated so treatment can begin if necessary. Third, I'd ensure that she has not been abusive to her siblings. Those kids may need to access to counseling because of any chaos caused by their mother & sister. I think you are doing a wonderful thing, an act of love for your grandchildren especially after the chaos and heartbreak your daughter has already caused. Not everyone can do it.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey...I think I understand your situation. I am wondering some of the same things the others are. Does your 13 year old have a lot of contact with her mother? Is that how she is brainwashing her? If so, I would attempt to limit that contact. Obviously that is causing issues. Like TM suggested, therapists for everyone would be something I would want as well as information on any diagnosis for this 13 year old.
  8. memeliza

    memeliza New Member

    There was supervised visits, but I have stopped that because the person doing the supervising was not following her own policy she is suppose to be in the room at all times. but the kids told me she never was and the lady told me she was infact NOT, so I called her supervisor and told him, they are handeling it accordingly, My grandaughter freinded her mom on facebook. I read the chats I was appauled of what her mom was saying to her, her mom was engouraging the bad behavior so now FACEBOOK is gone and I have filed contempt charges through the court because there is a no contact order My daugter thinks she is hurting me through her grandaughter the bad behavior started when she was visiting her mom and chatting, I have stopped all and I am still the blame ?? some people beileve there own lies
  9. keista

    keista New Member

    Yes, unfortunately they do. Keep doing what you know to be right. Do not let your daughter "ruffle your feathers" She's wrong, plain and simple. She's just too sick to see that.

    You are doing your very best to make sure your granddaughter doesn't end up the same way as your daughter. And in the end, our very best is all we can do.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    in my opinion it is time to call children's services and ask what would happen if you turned her over to the state. NOT because you WANT to give up on her, but because it is not SAFE for her to run around the way she is and you can't keep her from contact with her mom because mom won't comply and the probelms are overwhelming and you have 2 other children to raise and keep safe also. Usually asking what they can do to help doesn't get much, but actually letting them know that you are pretty close to letting them have her (foster care for her) will get help because it is very expensive, far more than providing respite, Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers and PCA's (independent living skills and personal care attendants) and keeping her living with you.

    be SURE that she is not hurting the other kids in any way. Their needs have to be as important as hers and if she is hurting them or violent to you or the home it may be damaging them so that is another thing to let CPS know is a worry and a reason that they need to provide help.

    I am sorry it is so hard.