Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Jan 3, 2008.
Who is paying for this apartment? I'm a firm believer in not picking up the tab for our difficult children. They never learn that way. If you're footing the bill, she's not independent and you have every right to tell her what to do. In fact, I hope she has a job and is at least paying half the rent. If SHE is paying the rent, she can do what she wants to do. I just wouldn't let her move back with you if she gets evicted. Yes, if her friends smoke pot, she probably does too, if not worse. We learned the hard way. And, yes, the parents are the last to know because we don't want to believe it. Also, I'm learning fast that "I just use pot" is often, if not usually, a big fat lie. in my opinion the other mom has every right to set her difficult child up in any apartment she likes. If your daughter is going to find the losers, she'll find them with or without this young adult in her complex. There is no shortage of loser young adults who get into trouble and take drugs. It's in my opinion none of your business where this other young lady lives. You can't shield your daughter. She has to decide to make better choices in her friends. Good luck.
I agree with Midwest Mom.
The most difficult part of parenting children like ours is defining our own boundaries and then, standing firm.
Once you have gone over the information your difficult child already knows ~ that illegal activities will get you evicted everytime, and that if your friends are performing illegal activities, that will get you evicted everytime too ~ then all you can do is encourage difficult child to remember that grown ups do not live at home with their parents, and she is a grown up.
Remember those responses in the PE archives:
"How are you going to handle the situation with your friends engaging in illegal activities in your yard and caring so little about you that they don't care whether you are evicted or not?"
"I'm so sorry this is happening to you ~ but this is what adults must learn to do. They must make decisions about their own lives, and about whether their friends are true friends, or are only using them."
There are lots of other great responses there, too.
As to the other mother, I would be honest with her.
You will need to stop trying to shelter difficult child.
She has decisions to make.
She will never grow if you do not allow her to choose her own path.
Make it very clear to difficult child that she is an adult now, and that adults do not live at home with their parents.
Ask her to consider where she will live if she refuses to deal with this problem and is evicted.
From the sounds of your update, it sounds like difficult child has made some positive moves and you are developing a good plan.
I hope you can get her to go for the voc rehab training. Sounds like it's the most promising way for her to have independence in the future.
As for the aquaintance's difficult child....I think I'd back away from that one. The last thing your daughter, who is now on the right path, needs is another difficult child living with her who has many of the same problems she does. I don't see how the difficult child's being roomates would benefit either of them, except that her daughter would have a cheap place to live. Not a good idea in my opinion.
Sounds to me like you're handling everything else about as well as you can. Hopefully difficult child's pot smoking friend will stay away now.
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