Delurk / Told my son to leave, finally

[ODAT]

Hello all -

I've been coming to the forum for a few months now. I've just been reading and relating and wishing I had found this place years ago.

I've decided to register and post today.

Last night, I finally "evicted" my 22 year old son from my home. I hope it sticks. I had to call the police to get him to leave but it wound up going very peacefully and smoothly once they got here and no one got arrested. He just left and went to stay at his girlfriends house for last night and I still haven't heard from him and hope that I don't. He was told by the police to come back for his belongings and to call an officer to accompany him to do this. That works for me.

I've been through years of hell like some of you have. I know I should probably give some background but I'm afraid that once I start typing I won't be able to stop. I just wanted to share this for now and say hello. Maybe I will come back again to post more or to respond to other posts.

I am glad I made this decision and it really feels right and I'm trying right now not to think about what might happen down the line, hence the name I choose for the forum -- ODAT = One Day At a Time. I'm still filled with sadness and some anxiety, I love my son but I don't love what he has turned into and his gross lack of respect for me.

I know I did make the right choice last night.

Thank you to all of you for being here and much thanks to whoever it was who started this place.

 

[judi]

I'm so sorry that you felt forced to do this. Many of us have been in the same boat. You will find many supportive folks here. I have been here on and off since 2001. Please relax and breathe and focus on YOU!

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes I have been there too. My son is 24 and presently in jail. I have been through all kinds of *&^% too for about 7 years. I found sanity here and in Alanon. It is important to not forget about yourself.

 

[WhymeMom?]

Know your pain, frustrations and relief......hope things get better for you and your family.....

 

[susiestar]

Glad you came out of Lurk mode. Welcome. It sounds like the decision to make your son leave was a long time coming and was probably the right thing to do. He is old enough to makehis own way in the world.

We would love to learn more about you.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[Suz]

Oh, I'm so glad you decided to come out and introduce yourself. It's pretty scary to do that but once it's done, it's so freeing!

Don't worry about not sharing your story right off the bat. It's not unusual to need to share a little at a time. It would help us if you post your signature, though. It's one of the ways we keep each other straight and recall each of our stories.

It sounds as if you are off to a good start. Welcome to the family.

Suz

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

ODAT,

Welcome. Here is some coffee. Pull up a chair. Don't feel obligated to have to share any more than you are comfortable with, but rest assured that if you do, we understand.

You found a safe, soft place to land. Glad you found us but sorry you had to.

 

[ODAT]

Thank you for the replies!

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome to the board ODAT!

I'm glad you found us and glad you decided to come out of lurkdom.

At 22 I was a wife and mother of 2 kids. I think difficult child is old enough to leave the nest and make a life of his own. Most especially if he can't treat you with respect.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Hugs

 

[hearts and roses]

Welcome ODAT - glad you found this board! It's an excellent place to come for support and to learn. You sound very strong and determined. I'm glad his leaving went well and everything was calm. He will land on his feet. In the meantime, you take care of you!

 

[DDD]

Adding my Welcome to the others. Chances are you will find it quite comfortable joining "the family" at your own pace. Most of us are very thankful that there is ONE place in the world where we can truthfully express our feelings with-o having to monitor what we say. Glad to have
you with us. DDD

 

[Kathy813]

Hi and welcome!

I'm another one that has been there done that. We had to make our 22-year-old leave our home because of drugs, lies, and stealing from us.

She has been gone over a year now and is doing very well. She lives on her own, delivers pizza for a living, and has gone back to the local community college. She even made the dean's list last semester.

I truly believe she made these gains because we made her stand on her own two feet. The best part of all is that our relationship has improved and we actually enjoy spending time together now.

Stay strong! It's time for your little birdie to fly the nest.

~Kathy

 

[Irene_J]

Let me add my welcome. If you feel you made the right choice, I'm sure you did. 22 years of age is old enough to live on your own, even if you were not a difficult child.

You don't mention if you have other children at home, but enjoy the peacefulness now that your difficult child is gone.

 

[BusynMember]

Welcome! Many of us were in your shoes. If this has to do with drugs, I strongly recommend Al-Anon.

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes - Alanon is great. I go every Monday night. I dont know what I would do without it. We had to make our son leave too - even when he turned 18, 20, 22 and now he is 24 and in jail. I hated making him leave but the drug use and the stealing and lying and lifestyle about killed us. We turned him in all the time.

 

[Star*]

ODAT-

I'm Star - Hi and welcome newest family member. I am glad you gave us a clue about your name. I was thinking it was like a pseudo-afterthought about your life - like OH....OH that...or ODAT!

Where EVER you have drawn your strength from in the past - just know that this group, this family as it has become to me - are some of the nicest, most understanding, caring, compassionate people in the world. It's really nice that you've come out of your lurker-dom and stepped into the sunshine.

There is always so much here to be shared - Just the parts of the story you shared may affect another lurker-mom who is struggling. You never know - your story may have already touched another curious and worn-out Mom. That's the beauty of this community!

Welcome!

 

[ODAT]

Thank you again for being here and for all the supportive responses!

I attend both Nar-anon and Alanon meetings and it really is SO immensely helpful! I first went years ago because of my ex's addiction problems. My difficult child has also been involved with drugs but it's mainly been heavy marijuana use and "recreational" drinking. No *serious* addiction problems, but the substance use certainly doesn't help his behavior issues and I do believe the heavy marijuana use since age 13 has taken a major toll on him. It's also gotten him in trouble with the law more than once.

I recently returned to going to 12 step meetings regularly at least once a week and that's probably where I got the strength and the serenity to finally pick up the phone the other night - although I wasn't 100% serene when I made that call, lol, it definitely was the right thing to do!

And here's an update -- son got on craigslist.org the very first night he left and found himself a place to rent. He called me the next day very calmly to tell me he was going to look at the place and asked for my input, which I gave him.

He had 800 dollars set aside which would cover a month's rent but not the one month's security the landlord wants. But he signed the lease today and got the keys to move in immediately after talking the landlord into accepting half the security deposit on the first of March and the other half in April.

I am pleasantly surprised that he acted so quickly and is indeed landing on his feet and seemingly, for today, doing the right thing. I hope this keeps up, he seems very happy and optimistic about his new venture....and I will be happy to offer guidance and support from a distance and avoid all the disagreements and ugliness and arguing that arises when he is here.


Just as some of you shared about your own children -- maybe a little "tough love/push out of the nest/boot in the seat of his pants" is just what he needed to get motivated.


One day at a time, though. For today, all's well.

 

[Hound dog]

Well! Good for difficult child!!

Amazing what they can manage sometimes when forced to. lol

Keeping body parts crossed he continues to do well, and your relationship benefits from this bit of healthy distance.

Hugs