Depressed and wondering why I bother

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, May 28, 2012.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child stole the remaining one dollar bills out of my wallet sometime yesterday or this a.m. I have two ones left. I normally sleep with-my purse but we had company Sat and Sun nights and I forgot to bring my purse upstairs.
    He lied about it, of course. (His lips were moving. No, wait, that was last time. His text was smoking.)
    I think we have to tally how much he has pd from what he owes us, and then reinstate his allowance, but put it in a special acct and spend it when WE pay for things, so that emotionally, he will feel like he has money, (I think that's part of his motive for stealing, because he thinks no matter what he does, we say "no,") but financially, he won't actually have cash in hand. I will discuss it with-the therapist tomorrow.

    I woke up at 4:30 with-a horrid migraine and threw up. I was finally able to take some Imitrex and keep it down and made it back to bed at 6 a.m. difficult child of course woke me up around 8 a.m. demanding the cord and I told him he had chores and gave him some, verbally, but he was back in 5 min. demanding again.
    I told him I would give him the cord on MY schedule, not his, and he is not the mom.
    He did a half-*assed job on the chores and I had to be somewhere so I ran out the door and just hope it worked out.

    husband was car shopping for easy child and I couldn't get a hold of him until after difficult child had been picked up by his girlfriend's mother ... because he
    went to the beach with-his girlfriend and actually went swimming (in his clothes, no less) but had a good time.
    When he got home, I said, "Did you have a good time?" and he refused to discuss it with-me, which I suppose is typical teen, but he shouts so it seems so mean when he yells, "I had a good time! So what? Shut up and let me play my game."
    The girl's mother never bothered to call me (this is the cutter whose mom is clueless and I wonder why she thinks her daughter doesn't wear a cute swimsuit when she swims?) so I left a msg on her cell ph with-both of my numbers. She did not call me back, but difficult child finally called me and gave to the ph to the girl's mother while they were on their way home. I thanked her for taking the kids and said I had heard rumors that they might go, but never knew for sure until difficult child called me and said he was leaving the house. I told her I'd left a msg on her cell with-my ph #s for future ref. She said, "Oh, okay."
    And of course she didn't ring the doorbell either picking up or dropping off so there's no way I can actually talk in person to the Invisible Mom Who Doesn't Communicate. (On the few occasions when difficult child has been to their house, I have gone to the door and spoken with-them.)

    husband called one of difficult child's friends and asked him how much the new game cost (a new game that appeared magically last night) and the friend said, "Oh, nothing, I just gave it to him."
    So *that* little plan didn't work.

    And difficult child ran out of Imiprimine 2 nights ago ... I guess we miscounted, and his psychiatrist appointment is tomorrow at 5:30.

    A local kid from the same school where easy child graduated, and where difficult child went for 1 yr, who just graduated this weekend drowned today, and it is so tragic, and all I can think of is that at least difficult child swam at a diff beach and came home safe. When easy child told me the news a little bit ago, I felt like throwing up.

    So, even though he said he doesn't feel like he's part of this family and I'm not his real mother and his bio mother isn't either and he refuses to respect me or listen to me, at least he came home safe.

    I can hardly wait for therapy in the a.m. (Two appts in one day are a very bad idea, but this is all that the doctors could fit in. That's another reason difficult child hates me because I always tell him the bad news. It's on the calendar and he's supposed to look, but rarely does.)

    easy child's internship is in the same office, so she will have to slip into work when we're in the middle of therapy and shut the door behind her so we don't run into one another in the hallway.
    What a 3-ring-circus.

    At least I was able to pick up my Imitrex today so I can sleep with-o another migraine.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Wow! It just never ends does it. LOTS of supportive {{{{HUGS}}}} to you.
  3. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    Sorry it's so rough right now. Hope your migraine goes away and therapy is productive.
  4. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Hang in there! Hope the migraine goes and stays away because I know first hand how it makes everything else unbearable! Hoping for a good therapist session.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I just can't imagine migraines. I woke with a mild headache felt a tiny bit nauseous, and was able to take my ultram to get rid of it. Just can't even imagine it going past that and having them repeatedly. I am so sorry for that.

    Geeze Terry, he sounds compelled to take the money. He fully well knows he will get into trouble, knows bullying you will get him a longer time without the game cord, but he just gets so stuck in his thinking. As usual when I read your post about how he talked, I could hear Q's voice. Just would add a slap on the arm to it these days. Lately he is using a tone that sounds like an adult scolding him...I wrote to school asking them to pay attention to someone who m ay sound like that from Q's perspective (not saying the person is bad, but Q will imitate that and it is a whole other level of what he does already)... He needs them to talk like we want him to talk to be able to get away from some of it. I WISH we could get rid of all of it but hejust doesn't get the rule about how we dont talk to adults like a dults talk to kids or like kids can talk to kids.

    Is the reason you dont just get rid of the games because it would be such a dramatic...maybe unrecoverable reaction? (I have some things like that, any other p arent could just give the consequence of "never again" but for a few things that would be TV/Nascar here.

    Wish we could create a respite/camp whatever...for kids this intense. Pipe dream.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Terry, I can't help you with the bigger issues, although I suspect some of what difficult child says is true (about not feeling he fits in) and part is to upset you. If he is stealing, which Sonic does, you need to lock up your money. That's what we were told. Sonic mostly took a few bucks so he could buy potato chips or some other kind of junk food, and seemed to think that it "was only $3!" But we went to therapy and he was upset that he was taking money and getting into trouble and asked us to lock it up so he's not tempted and therapist agreed. It was hard to get hub on board ("I shouldn't have to lock anything up in MY house"), but after talking to therapist, he is doing it.

    Do you think maybe you difficult child needs more supervision than his age would dictate? We were trying to give Sonic more freedom, like befitting an eighteen year old, but he can't handle it, really. He took our car out joyriding a few times too (I suspect to be like everyone else) and when he got caught cried and begged us also to lock up our keys because he doesn't want to be tempted. Well, we lock them up too because he would go driving at night. This is all to keep Sonic safe. If he steals he could get into trouble. If he drives without a license, he could get into trouble or hurt somebody. Now he can only go out with our permission and if we are there with him. We treat him like a much younger child because he wants us to keep him safe, much like a younger child does.

    I'm not sure I'd like a difficult child with Aspergers to have a girlfriend whose parents don't keep in close touch with me. Sounds like trouble in my opinion. The older Sonic gets, the more I see that Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) teens/adults are different and may need more supervision for a much longer period of time. What is the deal with these elusive parents????

    Hugs to are trying so hard. I'm sorry about your migraines. I can barely function with a caffeine-deprived headache let alone getting migraines with a difficult child bugging me! Please remember to take care of yourself.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That is a great way to put it. Q DOESN"T want me to keep him safe or want my help not to make mistakes. Says, you gotta take a risk mom, or you never know. (well, I HAVE son, and you blew it!)..... But wanting the help or not....I guess this is exactly what I have gone back to. Though last year at this time I would have thought very differently because he was on such an upward spiral. (I know part is puberty/medications but I am really angry with the school the more I realize how different this school is, they really made things so much worse).

    Q obviously has more cognitive delays, but probably isn't much different in the sense that he wants to do what the other kids his age are doing socially. He just can't. He is not ready. It is really hard to take a step backward though, right? I mean for things I haven't let him do yet, it is not such a fight....but this going back to higher level of supervision and structure really blows. Especially for a kid who gets aggressive verbally and physically.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Lately he is using a tone that sounds like an adult scolding him...I wrote to school asking them to pay attention to someone who m ay sound like that from Q's perspective (not saying the person is bad, but Q will imitate that and it is a whole other level of what he does already)

    Ah, yes, we've been through this, too. Some teachers just don't get it.

    difficult child used to poke me in the arm while repeatedly saying, "Mom. Mom. Mom."
    Now he only pokes me in the arm once every 10 days or so. (Not that I'm keeping track ... :) )
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    MWM and Buddy, lol! Yes, "We've tried giving you more freedom and you blew it!"

    On one hand, he gets out on his bike and makes purchases on his own. (No, convenience store type, lol.) He used to be so terrified that he would refuse to go up to the store clerk to buy something and I had to stand next to him. He still has days like that but he's gotten much better.

    on the other hand, he lies. And lies. And lies.

    husband FOUND THE WALLET with-ALL THE MONEY IN IT!!!!!:money: He found it in difficult child's jeans, of course.
    Not a smart hiding place.
    difficult child said he bought a game, and sold a game to his friend, K.
    Hmm. K said he *gave* him a game. I will talk to husband tonight to see how far we should push this.

    Anyway, I brought the wallet into the therapist's office and put it on his desk. difficult child was slouched and obnoxious, rubbing his face with-his hands, saying "I don't know" and "whatever" and "sort of" and the therapist laid into him. Finally he told me to leave the ofc which was fine by me.:rollingpin:
    I sat and flipped through beautiful home decorating magazines while therapist read difficult child the riot act again.
    When I was called back in, difficult child was sitting up straight and speaking in complete sentences :)

    T doctor had also discovered that difficult child is signed up for HS AP English! WTH!? I am so excited. Why couldn't difficult child have told me that? Every day I ask him how school was and he blows me off. :(
    by the way, I started the t-session by saying that even though difficult child believes he doesn't fit in, and hates me and I hate him, I am still very relieved and happy that he went to a regular beach instead of one that had a warning sign about riptides. (I told him about a local kid who just graduated from HS and drowned yesterday.)
    I mean, that really sent me for a spin and I had a hard time getting to sleep.
    Then, I talked about stealing the money and finding the wallet with-money and things took off from there.

    On the way home, I asked difficult child if his girlfriend swam in a swimsuit yesterday. He said yes, and she quit cutting because he told her to. Her wrists are mostly healed.
    Really? Cool! I assumed she swam fully dressed. I told him that was really cool.:yes:

    I still think the mom is an airhead and needs to communicate, but one thing at a time ...

    When I dropped him off from school, he asked me to pick him up at 4:15 because he's staying after for math tutoring and I said, "Okay. Good luck. I love you."
    He said, "I love you too."
    I wondered whether he was just parroting, then thought WTH, why not just listen to the nice words and appreciate the fact that he didn't call me a beeyatch. :puppet:

    So, I'm headed back to bed with-an ice pack to get rid of this headache. It's much better but I'm only functioning at 40%.
  10. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    Well, that's a good update! Now to be rid of the migraine!
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry I have really been mulling over this situation for awhile. I worry a lot over what your son is really doing and the way you are handling what he does. Now you know this is all my opinion after dealing with my kids all these years and its because I care about what happens to your son. If I didnt, I would just read your post and go on without saying anything.

    I think difficult child is manipulating the heck out of you because he knows you guys wont do anything but take his cord for a few hours or threaten him no video games but that doesnt last very long at all. He doesnt lose his phone because you desperately want him to have that way to reach him and he is tied to his girlfriend or girlfriend's at all hours it seems. If you cant even meet and know this girls parents well, they arent fit girls for him to hang around.

    Were his he getting this money to pay you back for all the money he supposedly owes you? I have a sneaky suspicion that you give him chores and pay him to allow him to pay you back. No, he hasnt to work outside the home to make the money even if he has to pick up cans and beg people to mow their lawns. You cant pay him.

    And speaking about the drugs and this whole dealer thing. You are never going to get the whole truth. These are young kids who are buying a little bit of pot and sharing it with each other. It could be one of them one day and another kid another day. Your difficult child could be the one buying the dime bag one day. You just never know. Or for this small a group it may be a nickle bag probably.

    This whole stealing the money thing has to come down harder on him than you have been. Just the tv cord and losing games for a day or two if that isnt going to do it. You need to show him that this is a serious crime that he can be prosecuted for and that when he does it with a debit or credit card that it is bank fraud. If he claims he is you, it can also be considered identity theft.

    I just think this needs to be clipped in the bud now while he is a teen and not when he becomes an adult and he faces adult consequences. I did all the things you did with making Cory pay me back and taking things away but it didnt work. Look where it got me. I dont want you or your son to have to go through what we did. You may think it never will but I didnt either.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    Right now, I have his wallet and all of his money.
    It would really help if I could get husband to spend more time with-difficult child ... but when I suggest it, he blows a gasket and gives me a list of all the things he does with-difficult child.
    I want him to play baseball, take him more places ... I feel like the therapist is taking husband's place.

    I do think that difficult child is manipulating us. As a friend put it yrs ago, he is a pitt bull in a house of poodles. :)
    But I also believe that difficult child is on the spectrum and for whatever reason, this is a defense mechanism he has built up.

    He doesn't "get it" when I continue to have him stay home for something he did a week ago. He explodes and remembers some obscure part of a sentence that stood out for him, but which I barely recall saying.
    I need to sit down with-him today and explain in detail about the money and how serious it is, and how close is it to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or a boot camp. And that it doesn't mean that we don't love him. He was sobbing yesterday and that was not manipulation. He was truly upset. The good part is that the psychiatrist made him stay in the room and talk it out. difficult child's initial response was to flee.
    Baby steps. For all of us.

    Oh, and yes, I do think that they have shared pot and that it is small amounts.
    I can't wait for camp when he's away from these kids.
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    We found that long-term consequences didn't work if they were "manufactured"... i.e. taking something away. Break something, and you don't have it... but it wasn't something the parent "did", Know what I mean?? But "taking away"... their whole sense of time, and cause-and-effect, isn't the same as a NT kid. Losing X for a week, for example... by tomorrow, they have lost the connection between what they did and what is happening now.

    Hanging onto and managing his money... is not the same as taking it away. He still "has" it, just not under his direct control.