Desperate for help

[jgttlb]

My son just turned five. He has been labeled as gift, diagnosed with ADHD, and kicked out of kindergarten all in the same month. The main problem is impulse control, he has none. He hits, and apparently spits on kids when he doesn't like their behavior. He was sent to the office almost daily, and I had to go get him at least 3 times a week. Finally yesterday was the last straw they said he can no longer come to the full day class. He will start the half day class tomorrow but I do not think it will help him.

Nothing I do seems to work, he doesn't understand consequences or doesn't care I'm not sure which. I seem to be the only person on the planet he listens too and he only behaves if I stay on him like a hawk. I have an 8 month old so it's a bit harder to stay on Zach.

He is the sweetest, smartest little guy, he's a great big brother and very sensitive. I'm scared to medicate him, he's so young I'm worried it will affect his growth. I would like to homeschool him but my husband thinks that's insane.

Please help.

 

[tiredmommy]

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm assuming you live in the US. I live in NY and children must be enrolled in school the year they turn six by December (it varies by state). Is it possible for your son to wait a year for kindergarten and take part in a pre-k program instead? They tend to focus on very limited academics (colors/letters/shapes/numbers, etc) but focus on sitting in circle time, standing in line and taking turns. I think, also, that you may want to request that your son receive a full and complete evaluation through the school to determine what, if any, accommodations may be needed. Send the letter in writing, by certified mail, to your school principal or head of your district's special education department. This kicks in federally mandated deadlines for any evaluations to be completed and a plan formed for your son.

 

[BusynMember]

Who diagnosed him? Has he ever seen a neuropsychologist? How was his infancy and his milestones? Did he have any chaos in his early life?

It does not sound to me, as a layman mom, as if this is a discipline problem or just ADHD. I've kinda been around the block with this and found it takes perseverence on Dad and Mom's part to get the right diagnosis and help. It's a lucky person who gets the right answer the first time, especially in such a young child. My son was diagnosed at first with ADHD/ODD then with childhood bipolar and finally with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified,which is his correct diagnosis. Took the right diagnosis to get him the right help in school and elsewhere, but he thrived afterward. Sadly, he had been on every medication for ADHD by then and many heavy duty medications for bipolar. We warrior moms have to fight hard for our answers!

Welcome to the board. There is hope and help, but we need to go after it. The first thing I'd do is get him completely evaluated by a neuropsychologist. Don't trust the school, a therapist, or an educator to know how to test him right.

 

[Malika]

We do tend to focus on labels. These are obviously helpful to a degree, in getting accommodations and in (hopefully) enabling caregivers and educators to understand that something more than "naughtiness" or "bad parenting" is going on. But for the moment, you know there is a problem with impulse control that leads to aggression... in my experience and reading, this IS or can be related to ADHD. At least in Europe - I cannot talk about American varieties of ADHD I too am just taking the apparently insane decision to homeschool, at least for a time. I totally get you about your son also being sweet, smart, and very sensitive too. You need somewhere that will be able to see the whole child, and the qualities, not just the problems. IS there anything like this available to you in your area? If not, maybe you need to thrash out the apparently insane decision some more with your husband. The fact that your son is gifted is also relevant, I would have thought... a gifted ADHD child will not thrive in conventional education. They need to think outside the box and be outside the box, to some degree.

 

[fun fam]

I'm sorry. My son is very much like yours, but backwards. He acts out at home and hits, kicks and spits on me, but is somehow an angel at school. (for which I'm grateful) He does go to half-day kindy (that's all they offer here) and I'm glad because I do think it helps that its so short. He has poor impulse control and is easily frusterated/bored and very gifted in math.

husband and I are his "punching bags," but he is very sweet to our pets and his little brother and friends. I also do not want to medicate if I can avoid it. I wish I had some answers for you!

 

[InsaneCdn]

He will start the half day class tomorrow but I do not think it will help him.

Keep an open mind... and watch and RECORD (journal, log, whatever) as you go.
The switch to a half-day format may in fact have some impact... the problem could be as simple as the number of kids and sights and sounds and activity and so on all adding up to "overwhelmed"/"overloaded". He might be able to handle a lighter load... for now.

There are no easy answers, but it pays when possible to try step-wise adjustments. It's about the best way we parents have of figuring things out, finding out what works, what doesn't and why.

 

[Malika]

I'm sorry. My son is very much like yours, but backwards. He acts out at home and hits, kicks and spits on me, but is somehow an angel at school. (for which I'm grateful) He does go to half-day kindy (that's all they offer here) and I'm glad because I do think it helps that its so short. He has poor impulse control and is easily frusterated/bored and very gifted in math.

husband and I are his "punching bags," but he is very sweet to our pets and his little brother and friends. I also do not want to medicate if I can avoid it. I wish I had some answers for you!

Each child is unique. And, to misquote Tolstoy, each unhappy child is unhappy in its own way... but actually, just to clarify things for you, my son was just like yours - sometimes explosive at home, generally controlled at school and outside - until recently, when he has started melting down in front of people other than me. He's never had a real meltdown at school like he does at home, though.
My own jury is still out about medication. I can see myself never doing it, I can see myself trying it again (as if it were me who was going to be taking it!!) Other ways are always preferable, the more difficult and time-consuming and creative ways, but I can see that sometimes they can't be put in place if the child is constantly out of control. But on the whole I tend to prefer the notion that children are much more than their ability or not to fit into our social norms and conventions and that a different approach to a child can sometimes work wonders, though doubtless not overnight.

 

[jgttlb]

Thank you all, he has not been seen by a neuropsychologist I wasn't aware there was a such a thing. So thanks for the advice. His pediatrician made the first mention of ADHD and referred me to a child psychologist.

He has always been like this, even as an infant he was different from his siblings. Needy, loud, and utterly inconsolable for the first 6 months.

He does have the option to wait until next year, I actually searched to find a school that would take him this young (it's a charter school) because he is so smart. I know it sounds crazy but he's been reading since 18 months, I didn't teach him, he's just always been crazy smart and I have no clue where it comes from. He's currently reading at a 3rd grade level and doing 2nd grade math. I can't even begin to understand how he learned these things, I thought school would be best since I can hardly keep up with him academically. But I am open to pulling him if half days don't work.

Yesterday was his first half day and he did great, so I am hoping this will continue. Meanwhile I will seek out a neuropsychologist.

 

[Confused]

jgttlb, you all have been through a lot in one month, and everybody here already gave you great advice Try to record him when hes happy, and in one of his moods because Im hoping this will show even greater detail ( yes like they said still write journals, food list etc ) Im sure you do watch his sugars and foods, but I just started the ADHD Diet again for mine, even though hes not tested yet! Maybe you can try that too Hugs and good luck- keep us updated how he likes his half days!