Desperate for peace

[ATragicLife]

I honestly don't know what to do anymore, my life feels irrevocably broken! My son is only 9, but I already feel like he's completely lost to me. He's set fires, is physically violent, has a foul mouth, steals, lies, is lazy, oppositional, defiant, lacks remorse or feelings for others, does odd random things that most don't, he's impulsive, volatile, angry, horribly destructive, and just draining to know. I feel like I'm raising a sociopath and it's a constant struggle with guilt in how I feel about him. I'm tired, physically, emotionally, and spiritually tired. Our whole house burnt down when he was 3. I'm divorced, with a lot of the reason coming down to my ex husbands inability to handle being around him. I am now a single parent without an ounce of joy in my life. Over the years I've tried medication (years now anf mutipke combos) counseling (for 3 months wasn't making a difference and he was refusing to go at the end and not participating when he did), time outs (in his room until he started destroying everything,then in a chair in the center of a room ever since), loss of privileges (electronics etc, he doesn't seem to care), reward systems (for years, in school, at home, using money, things, places, activities, etc nine seemed to be abke to grab his attention for longer than a day or two) charts and structure, being strapped to my hip 24/7 (literally for a year), spankings (yes I even tried this too when it seems I'd exhausted all my other resources with zero effect come to find out all it does is make him push back even harder, parenting classes (love and logic anyone). Only problem is nothing motivates, changes, registers in his head or sparks any conscience or forethought. I feel like I'm in hell, and I simultaneously have a heart that is breaking for him, and a strong desire for someone to take him away so he can stop tormenting me and his siblings. The guilt is unbearable at times. This week alone I have dealt with broken door trim from slamming doors, a crack in my wall, 2 boxes of spaghetti noodles down my vent, him peeing in bottles and hiding them around the house, and peeing off the back deck, a cop call because of him breaking glass on the walking trail at the park (the park is our back yard), him breaking more glass again the day after the cop call. Refusal to pick up after himself, he stole from on of his brothers friends and from Wal-Mart. He was calling his sister's (17) friend a whore while out front with neighbors in witness, multiple fights with his brother (15), hitting and kicking one if his brothers friends, then turning on me when I was physically removing him calling us all names in the process. When I allowed him a video (at the beginning of the week when do was trying to reward for good behavior) on Amazon (how to train your Dragon 2) he got my password and proceeded to order 300 dollars worth of candy, which I might add got shipped to an address we no longer live at. No sooner than dealt with that and he took my phone while I was taking a bath, downloaded a game, and ordered 343 dollars worth of in game purchases through Google play. This caused me to not have rent money. There's never a moment of peace, every time I turn around there's some kind if disaster and I feel hopeless. I've cried multiple times this week, my daughter's cried, my son keeps telling me to "get rid of him cause he's not gonna change" I can barely hold down a job (although I have 2) because it's always calls from school or some natural disaster happening. When I'm at work (The only place I feel like I have any control over ) I constantly worry about what's currently going wrong wherever he is, because it is daily... hourly and consistently so. I can't have a relationship, no one wants to deal with this, and I can't blame them. I barely have friends. I work to death to have the money stolen or used up to fix the many broken things. I'm constantly trying and yet im not getting anywhere. I just want it all to stop because I've been being way too strong for way to long and im reavjing my bresking point

 

[RN0441]

Hi:

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through and just wanted to tell you that. I have no experience with this but I know that others here do and they will be along shortly to give you advice.

Praying for you to have some peace.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

I would contact your local child protective services office, honestly explain what is happening in your home and ask about how to get the courts involved in getting you and him some help.

From what you describe here It sounds like your son is dangerously mentally ill. He is right, he won't change, and you have yourself and other children in the home to think about. He will destroy your family unless you start the wheels turning to have him placed outside the home. He likely needs a residential treatment facility full time.

Does he act like this in school? Is he in special education?

 

[ATragicLife]

He's been on an iep for quite some time, however the last 5 months or so I've had him at home homeschooling (when I can get him to comply). That decision came after having relentless issues with him "missing the bus" even when his brother walked him to the bus, and always having issues at school. He wasnt getting any kind of education, which is sad because he's smart. He was having fights, stealing, not doing his work, etc etc etc. He is getting more work done than before, barely. I'm thankful for the replies. Part of me agrees, he is definitely destroying our family, home, finances etc, but the other part of me feels guilty like I'd be giving up on him and how would placement make him feel....its seems a constant battle in my mind and heart on what's the right thing to do for him, for his siblings, for me....

 

[litbitblack]

Has he been evaluated by psychiatric? Are there any private behavioral schools ran by a mental health agency or private doctor? Here we have one called rose street-its ran by the doctors in that practice- take insurance and Medicaid- have counselors ect....Sounds like some inpatient tx and diagnosis could benefit

 

[Crayola13]

When your son is doing things like putting spaghetti in the vents, what is he feeling? Does he think it's funny, or does he do it out of anger or anxiety? It sounds like he gets enough attention. Does he fully comprehend that he burned down the house? I ask because my nephew burned down his family's home 20 years ago, and kept saying repeatedly, "I didn't start the fire. The lighter did." Does your son have an obsession with fire? Does fire symbolize rage for him, or was this a curious act that you don't think will happen again? Does the thought of juvenile detention scare him? Does he realize that could happen? When he destroyed the glass at the park, did the police do anything other than counsel him? I think it would have been good if the police had told him he was going to go before a juvenile judge and have to do community service to pay off the damage.

This suggestion may sound silly and old-fashioned, but have you considered asking the local police if your son can be given a tour of the jail or ride handcuffed in a police car?

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds a lot like attachment disorder. The kids who develop this had severe breaks in the first three years from their major loved ones and have difficulty caring about people and rules and tend to have no conscience. They are dangerous. Or can be. Clearly your son is. Did his father leave abruptly in his first three years? Any chaos at the time besides the fire? Any losses?

Put "reactive attachment disorder" in your search engine. Its common in adopted kids who were adopted at older ages, but is also seen when parents divorce early and there is chaos, abuse and sometimes no one consistent caregiver. Its a hard disorder to get diagnosed, treat and often the kids need 24/7 monitoring in a mental healthcare residential facility. One psychiatric hospitsl visit isnt enough. Where is Dad in his life?

Thete are three red flags in childhood that indicate budding antisocial behavior. One is fascination with fire. Two is cruelty to animals. Third is inappropriate pooping and peeing. Also common is inappropriate sexual acting out. We adopted a boy who was like that.in the end he had to leave. We found out he had been terrorizing and molesting our much younger kids. We didnt learn the extent of it until he was gone. He did not feel remorse. He was finally diagnosed when taken to a residential home for young sexual predators with Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. He was thirteen and finally in serious trouble with the law.

Be careful. Our younger kids were too scared of him to tell us what he was doing as he threatened to kill us all if they told. So it went on quite a while. Your son in my opinion may do best in out of home treatment. The other kids are important too. They could get PTSD from living with him.You dont want the others to suffer because of him when he can be treated more effectively elsewhere.

Good luck.

 

[mollyzuzu]

Hello, I am rather new here, just did my first post last week. My son is adopted, at 3.5 years and we are experiencing many of these issues. I agree that residential may be a good idea. But, getting the reisdential is not an easy task. I have been asking for this for my son for the past 2 years. It is very expensive, we cannot afford the $15,000 plus a month and the county just won't pull the perverbial trigger. Son just came home from Mental hospital stay of 4.5 months two weeks ago and just this last Saturday I needed to call the police because he is back to stealing OTC medications and he punched a hole in hid bedroom wall when I asked him about doing it. Sighhh. I do not think I am strong enough for this and I too wonder whether it wouldn't be better for the family to just make him a ward of the state, then it would force the issue of residential care.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Does your son have a caseworker? Is there anyone from the state following up with your family post adoption? Did he have known issues before you adopted him?

 

[BusynMember]

Once adoption happens, they are yours and no caseworker follow up. You do not always get all info for various reasons. Often they dont know. Our son hid his attachment order from all adults and even psychiatrists missed it in him. The children he knew in other families were terrorized by him and nobody from any of his former foster families ever caught on to how sick our child was. Or how dangerous. This is after he admitted that he had maliciously (not child curiousity) acted out sexually on younger kids "since I was five years old." And none of them ever told their parents about his abuse of them.

He learned to con mental health professuonals and caseworkers. If we had known his true history, he never would have joined our family. After we found out, well, sexual abuse would be a dealbreaker for us for any child in our home. Evrn a biological child. We knew it was beyond our ability to deal with a child who would hurt his siblings and other kids that way.

And we had loved him so much.

 

[mollyzuzu]

Well, we adopted independantly from Ukraine, so totally on our own. I have finally gotten him social workers involved the past couple of years, up until then, they didn't want to help at all. Felt he didn't need it? I feel the state needs to provide more options or programs for these kids. We are finding that there is little to nothing available to adolescents. Maybe when they hit 18 as adults, but then you may be looking at jail. It's too bad that more can't be done at the younger level, that's when things are budding. But on the other hand, I do understand that there is so much variablility that how in the heck can you cookie cutter every child? Sigh...........

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

It's good you have social workers involved - that is better than nothing. I will keep your family in my prayers. You can't sacrifice your other children, or even your own sanity and health (emotional and otherwise), for him; it sounds like he cannot live safely and sanely in a traditional family setting. Did he come from an orphanage? How old was he when you adopted him?

My difficult stepson's story is very different, and I married his mom when he was 13 so I missed his infancy and childhood years. But from what I understood he showed signs of his current dysfunction from a very, very young age. Maybe my stepson could have been helped with the right intervention at the right time, then again maybe not. His situation like all of ours is unique.

Best of luck.

 

[ATragicLife]

Hello, I am rather new here, just did my first post last week. My son is adopted, at 3.5 years and we are experiencing many of these issues. I agree that residential may be a good idea. But, getting the reisdential is not an easy task. I have been asking for this for my son for the past 2 years. It is very expensive, we cannot afford the $15,000 plus a month and the county just won't pull the perverbial trigger. Son just came home from Mental hospital stay of 4.5 months two weeks ago and just this last Saturday I needed to call the police because he is back to stealing OTC medications and he punched a hole in hid bedroom wall when I asked him about doing it. Sighhh. I do not think I am strong enough for this and I too wonder whether it wouldn't be better for the family to just make him a ward of the state, then it would force the issue of residential care.

Is it possible to make one child a ward of the state while keeping your other children?

 

[BusynMember]

I would ask a lawyer. I think so, but dont have my family law degree.

 

[Tylersmom1979]

I have a 15 year old in and out of residential and hospitals. Suicidal all the time. He calls the cops on himself all the time because he is trying to get himself put into facilities all the time. He tried to kill me this time. He has autism and mood disorder and conduct disorder and adhd and odd. I had to quit my job just to watch him because he is not allowed to be by himself at all. He can only go to school part time in a specialized behavior program. He is his own demon. I have all the resources in the world and everyone telling me they don't know how to help me at the same time. My son receives ssi because of his disability.

What kind of diagnosis does your son have and what are your resources?

 

[mollyzuzu]

diagnosis of bipolar 1, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) cognitive, behavioral and learning disabled, substance abuse of cannabis, benadryl, and metha something or another. Resources are human services in our county. I am so afraid that it is going to lead to him wanting to kill us. He has not been violent in the past. Only hurts self. But I cannot leave him alone as well and I feel quite isolated by this because he doesn't wan to be with me all the time, can't blame him either, he is almost 16 and his brother can come and go as he pleases. Same thing with help (there seems to be none). Just last weekk, social worker told me that he has sooo many resources they are using for him, but yet, he is siiting here in the office right now, because we can't leave him at home and there are no programs to put him into. Lots of counselors, which he WILL NOT talk to by the way. He will be doing a summercamp kind of like respite, which I thank my stars for from mid june to mid august IF HE BEHAVES. Trial for the first month and then they may oust him.

I just do not want to live so secluded all the time, I wished there were daycares or something for these guys and picked up by insurance. Hey, one can wish right? LOL

 

[Tylersmom1979]

Hey hope your still reading. Sorry I haven't checked the page lately. Mine is 15. He has asperger. Conduct disorder. Mood disorder. Anxiety. Depression. Adhd. Opposition defiant disorder.

Mine has a lot of sexual issues. He would look at porn. Any chance he could. I cannot give him any devices with internet access at all. Also he no longer has a cellphone because of inappropriate use.

He is suicidal all the time. I had to quit my job so in can babysit him all the time. So pretty much Where i go he has to go. When in with other adults I can't talk about him because he is always there. I am lonely all the time and I am working through resources to help him as much as I can
So I feel for ya.

 

[seek]

I feel so bad for any family going through this level of stress - your home should be your sanctuary. Social services aren't what they used to be, but these types of problems are not anything a typical parent can handle - you must get professionals involved - if he can be placed, it seems like that would be a survival solution for your family. If you feel guilt, think of the guilt you will feel when your other kids tell you how they were traumatized.

Sending hope and good wishes to all. Stay strong. Don't give up. Find help!

 

[mollyzuzu]

Thanks, yes, lots of stress to the hilt acutally. Hubby and I are learning to deal with son differently since he has been home from hospital. Have trauma care sppecialist involved, but still stressful when it doesn't seem that son listens to our wishes. I guess we need to phrase it so he can digest it, not that it sounds like we are nagging. Sometimes I think it works and others I don't. He just does not wan to stp doing extracurricular drugs. Acutally it is pot now. He wants medical pot, aint gonna happen , but wants it. So, instead he is trying to get it however he can. I just really want to get him to the point so we can leave him home alone, I am not sure that will ever happen.

Social services seem to be a joke. They have no programs or suggestions or so it seems. We have lots of professionals involved, but when they go home, we are left to junior without them and when we leave the appoitments, we have junior to deal with. It seems so easy for the professionals to tell us what to do and how to do it, wonder if it would be so easy if they had it 24/7/365?

Tylers mom, yours sounds so much like mine. Mine is not suicidal, but he needs to be watched, alot of bad choices. He toook the whole roll of aluminum foil in his room last week to make foil pipes to smoke the pot he bought with money stolen from his brother last week. I only work limited at our business, so have not had to quit............yet. Husband is quite angry too, wants me to do more at work, Ican't even focus, let alone do work. do you think we will ever be able to be free of our little babushkas?