Desperate Mom needing advise with adult daughter of 22 with Borderline (Borderline (BPD))

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Desperate_Mom, Jul 23, 2019.

  1. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    JayPee, I was encouraged by your comments. It is a process--the detaching. Sometimes it's one step forwards and two backwards, but it has to be done. I like the expression of "lines of peace" too.
    You said, "The minute I slip back into feeling their feelings is when I need to climb back out of the rabbit hole (of worry) again." I thought that was very insightful. I do tend to "feel" my son's feelings, and pretty soon I'm enmeshed in worry again. Thanks for posting.
  2. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Ultimately, we'll figure out that the letting go of our denial (that we can change them) is a gradual process of awakening involving going back and forth between denial, awareness and acceptance.

    Where we sometimes misstep is thinking that there's even a small chance -even a minute one-that "we" will alter the outcome for our children for the better.

    Any changes must come from them. Not accepting this truth impacts our serenity.

    I read something recently, Beta that I think you will relate to as well. I know it helps me...

    "No one wanted to rescue their son more than Mary, the mother of Jesus, when he began his journey to Calvary towards his death and
    crucifixion. She had ever right to rescue her innocent son, but didn't because she was doing the will of God. She had to let God's plan play out through obedience."

    "Let go and Let God" , I have to say this over and over all the time because I keep taking the responsibility back on myself and it's too much to handle.
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Anyone read that book I talked about regarding acceptance? I really think that acceptance is what lots of us, myself included, fight the most. The book is my second Bible. I slip it in my purse to read when there is something I can not accept, that I think I have to change or can change.

    The book reminds me that I can't change things I don't like, including Kay. That she is what she is for now and I radically accept her. This doesn't mean I like it. It just alleviates my own suffering to accept in this moment that this is reality (I accept without judging as this part is imortant). If I try to twist reality in my mind and make useless gestures to change what is, I just hurt me. And reality remains reality. So then I devestate me, not anything or anyone else.

    The book is something my husband and I work on together as well as absorbing the good lessons of Al Anon. In the end we can only change our reaction to reality, not reality itself.
  4. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    I'm reading it as well and gaining a lot of insight.

    Thanks for recommending it!
  5. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    I do get a sense at times that God wants me to step aside and get out of His way. I do tend to believe I can be "God" in Josh's life. It would be nice if God would send text messages that clearly spell out His will. I tend to go back and forth, wondering if I'm impeding what He is trying to do in Josh's heart or abandoning whatever my responsibility is to Josh.

    I looked at the book you all are reading. It looks good. I will plan on getting it as soon as I can. Accepting things as they are is soooooooo hard.
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Maybe we were finally ready to listen. After all, Kay is 33 and this game has been playing for over a decade. But the idea of accepting what is, even if we wish it were different, just clicked with my husband and me. After all, the alternative is for us to suffer and nothing to change anyway.

    This book touched me in every aspect of life, even in areas not related to Kay. To me I see how much better I feel on a spiritual level when I just go where God is taking me.

    I personally sit with God a lot and do not feel that I am supposed to interrupt Kay's learning path. I feel as if we overstayed our welcome, that at her age she is her own responsibility and that she knows what to do, but is just lazy. Or in her own denial.

    At any rate, at 33 most people are functioning well. Kay and Lee need to learn how or else little Jaden will end up probably in my other daughter's care of with Lee's parents. They are a decade younger than us.

    It took my husband and I over a decade, thousands upon thousands of dollars, being robbed, being abused, being lied to, seeing no change, almost getting divorced and aging to finally realize that God wants us to get out of the way. Kay would be doing great if His plan had been for us to sacrifice our lives for hers.

    So now we accept her as she is and know that only she can walk her path for the better or the worse. It stopped being our responsibility when Kay turned 21, but we continued. Now she acts helpless yet she is able bodied and not unintelligent. She can work. Although she claims anxiety and depression, she won't seek help for either and considers pot the cure.

    Also we have many employees that have the same diagnosis. I don't believe these issues stop you from working. Considering she has anxiety, or says so, our Kay sure takes many dangerous risks in her life. She could be lying. This is somebody who went skydiving and also snuck around dangerous neighborhoods for drugs. With anxiety?

    We are finally in acceptance. Whatever it is, it is. We both feel so much calmer.
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2019
  7. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

  8. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    Thanks for your words of wisdom and strength. I want so badly what you have. That serenity to let go. I pray God leads me there too.