Desperate Times...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by LostInNC, Oct 1, 2019.

  1. LostInNC

    LostInNC New Member

    Hello, we are in an awful situation that we can't find any support for or a way out.
    My wife's father passed away last year, he had an 8 yr old boy, her 36 year younger half brother, that he was a single father of. His mother had died 4 years prior. He named us in his will to take his son into our family (My wife & I and our 2 daughters, 1 older than him, 1 younger). This was a rough adjustment for us all, but there is no other family for him to go to. His mother's family hasn't even acknowledged any attempts to reach out and contact them.
    Fast forward 16 months, and he is not adjusting into our family at all. He lies about everything (he's smart and a great liar), he's prone to violent outbursts against the girls, he's defiant to my wife and I, he tells stories at school to get the girls in trouble or embarrassed, and he hurts our pets. We've gone to various psychiatrists and family therapy sessions and nothing is working. On top of all of that, my wife has fibermyalgia and complex regional pain syndrome so stress and fatigue cause her intense pain.
    This is effecting all of our lives to the point where we can no longer function as a family. We've reached the point where we have argued about divorce, the girls are miserable, the boy is simply detached from everything and doesn't care when he gets in trouble or gets punished. Frankly at this point, he scares us. He hates our oldest daughter and has punched, scratched, bitten her, etc and we are afraid that as he gets older he could do much worse.
    We haven't formally adopted him, we've just been taking care of him since his father died last summer, but we can't do it any longer. We've never had any sort of formal guardianship hearing and the estate has yet to be closed. What can we do? What options do we have since we are the only family that has even acknowledged him? He is destroying our family and our lives. Please help, we are desperate.

    Thank you for any advice you can offer.
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome.Your situation is sad and hard. I would first call a family law attorney to find out your options. Hurting animals is a very scary red flag and if he hates your daughter how can he live with you? I am thinking that maybe due to all his loss he suffers attachment disorder or conduct disorder. Or both. Can't blame him.

    Maybe he needs to go into a residential treatment center to grieve and to get treatment before joining a new family. Since you didn't adopt him, maybe you would not have to pay for him to get help. Because of the trauma and loss it may be years before anyone can see who he really is. From your description he does not seem ready to or interested in being your child. Not yet.Time will tell. Wherever he goes you can stay involved, I assume. Or he can be prepped to go to another family or facility. Up to you.

    Foster care is another option.

    You need to protect your children and your pets, but you can do it without forgetting about him. You can parent from a distance.

    Let us know your thoughts after you read our suggestions. We will support you no matter what.

    If God is in your life this is a good time to lean on Him and pray.

    Be well.
  3. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    Hello LostinNC,
    I don’t really have any advice and I’m sorry for that. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone here. That we are here for you if and when you need to vent, cry and scream.

    I have a son with disabilities, he is a middle child who can be very violent, towards me, towards his siblings, etc.
    I know the exhaustion and pain you and your family are going through. I live it every day. We have considered and still talk about putting him in care. This breaks my heart as I’m sure this entire situation breaks yours and your family’s.

    we are here to support whatever decision you and your family decide is best.