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Substance Abuse
Desperately in need of advice for my son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 656679" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Welcome to our forum. I'm so sorry you had to come, but you'll find support here.</p><p></p><p>What do you think you can do since he is over eighteen and refuses to listen?</p><p></p><p>Sometimes all we can do is let go and let him face the consequences. I think I know what is wrong with your son. He is a drug abuser and acting just like one. They definitely lie, steal and make promises that they never keep if only to shut us up. They also claim depression, low self-esteem, and often blame us...but this is just for pity. They may well have those problems, but they don't have to use drugs. That's a choice. And, by the way, this is NOT your fault. You didn't cause it, no matter what your son says to guilt you out so that you'll hand out more money or soften up on him. Drug users are pretty much all the same. They have the same manipulations...has he threatened suicide yet? That's always a big one when you refuse to give them something.</p><p></p><p>Many of us here dealt with and still deal with substance abuse and we can't change our adult children. All we can do is change our reponses to their dangerous behavior. We can cut off the money first off and the perks. We can give them contracts saying that if they do not comply to this or that, they have to be out in six months. Has he stolen from you? Abused you verbally or physically? Ruined your property? Used drugs under your roof? Do you have other children who don't need this around them?</p><p></p><p>Nobody can make another person, even a beloved adult child, do one thing that they don't want to do. Some of us have had to let our adult children stand on their own with no aid from us. Talking to them does no good. They don't care. They have to learn on their own...by themselves...and your son dosen't sound like he is ready to quit drugs. Unless he is, he won't. It's hard work.</p><p></p><p>Have you ever gone to an Al-Anon meeting to learn how to cope and to detach with love? Or use Tough Love, if necessary? Do you see a private therapist for yourself so that YOU can get on with YOUR life? Most of us have decided to try to detach and live the best life we can. We can not make our adult children fix their hurts, their addictions, their demons, nothing. Only they can decide to do that and then they have to actually find help in the community and do it. The more we hold them up, the weaker they become until we have an adult baby on our hands who expects us to rush to his side every time he makes a bad decision.</p><p></p><p>Many of our adult kids are doing better, but only after tough love. Many of them are not doing better, but we remain in Tough Love mode. Nobody should take all the oxygen out of our world, when WE are trying to help them and THEY won't help themselves. There is something wrong with our caring more about their well being than they do and it can't be changed by our loving hearts.</p><p></p><p>Your son is young and has already been in serious trouble. Jail actually helps some of our adult kids as we know where they are and what they are doing and they can't run around the streets with drug dealers. Jail has not been bad for all of the kids who end up there.</p><p></p><p>Remember that although I just called your son a kid, he is a man. I don't care about how young he is emotionally. Many boys are young emotionally but still don't get into the kind of trouble your son willingly got involved in. He is a MAN legally. He is old enough to fight for his country and many young men and women his age are. He is old enough to be in college, planning his future and many young men and women his age are doing just that. He is old eough to be clean and have a full time job and his own place and many young men and women his age do.</p><p></p><p>If I can give you any advice at all that may help you it is to stop treating him like he is a poor little boy, the one who skinned his knee when he was six, and you made it better. He has to learn to solve his own problems and face the consequences all adults face when they are criminals and break the law or he will not learn. There are eighty-five year old mothers living with their sixty-five year old drug addicted senior citizen sons...and they have never lived their own lives at all and it has not changed the person one bit. There are others who let go and, if you believe, let God. We have a right to a good life. Your entire family has a right to live their lives without throwing money at a young man who doesn't appreciate it or try to help himself.</p><p></p><p>If he were mine, he would not be living at home.</p><p></p><p>I hope you don't find this harsh. We always advise people to take what they like and leave the rest. But this is what worked for my daughter when she abused drugs and she cleaned it up going on eleven years now. Once we knew she was involved in drugs, she got not one penny from us after that. She had to leave when we found a drug party going on in our house. She quit everything, even cigarettes. She is a productive member of society now with a long time SO and a baby girl who she is a great mother to. If I hadn't seen it, I would not believe that she ever took meth.</p><p></p><p>There is hope, but there is more hope if you stop trying to fix your son and let him man up and take his punishments and do it himself. Enabling drug addiction is a huge fail.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting heart. I hope you post often. Others will chime in...others with more experience and worse stories who can talk first hand about jail. My daughter was on parole twice, but never in jail. She used from age 12 (yes, that is twelve and we did not guess it) to age 19.</p><p></p><p>There is hope. Detach. You can do it. We are all in this together and all of us are here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 656679, member: 1550"] Welcome to our forum. I'm so sorry you had to come, but you'll find support here. What do you think you can do since he is over eighteen and refuses to listen? Sometimes all we can do is let go and let him face the consequences. I think I know what is wrong with your son. He is a drug abuser and acting just like one. They definitely lie, steal and make promises that they never keep if only to shut us up. They also claim depression, low self-esteem, and often blame us...but this is just for pity. They may well have those problems, but they don't have to use drugs. That's a choice. And, by the way, this is NOT your fault. You didn't cause it, no matter what your son says to guilt you out so that you'll hand out more money or soften up on him. Drug users are pretty much all the same. They have the same manipulations...has he threatened suicide yet? That's always a big one when you refuse to give them something. Many of us here dealt with and still deal with substance abuse and we can't change our adult children. All we can do is change our reponses to their dangerous behavior. We can cut off the money first off and the perks. We can give them contracts saying that if they do not comply to this or that, they have to be out in six months. Has he stolen from you? Abused you verbally or physically? Ruined your property? Used drugs under your roof? Do you have other children who don't need this around them? Nobody can make another person, even a beloved adult child, do one thing that they don't want to do. Some of us have had to let our adult children stand on their own with no aid from us. Talking to them does no good. They don't care. They have to learn on their own...by themselves...and your son dosen't sound like he is ready to quit drugs. Unless he is, he won't. It's hard work. Have you ever gone to an Al-Anon meeting to learn how to cope and to detach with love? Or use Tough Love, if necessary? Do you see a private therapist for yourself so that YOU can get on with YOUR life? Most of us have decided to try to detach and live the best life we can. We can not make our adult children fix their hurts, their addictions, their demons, nothing. Only they can decide to do that and then they have to actually find help in the community and do it. The more we hold them up, the weaker they become until we have an adult baby on our hands who expects us to rush to his side every time he makes a bad decision. Many of our adult kids are doing better, but only after tough love. Many of them are not doing better, but we remain in Tough Love mode. Nobody should take all the oxygen out of our world, when WE are trying to help them and THEY won't help themselves. There is something wrong with our caring more about their well being than they do and it can't be changed by our loving hearts. Your son is young and has already been in serious trouble. Jail actually helps some of our adult kids as we know where they are and what they are doing and they can't run around the streets with drug dealers. Jail has not been bad for all of the kids who end up there. Remember that although I just called your son a kid, he is a man. I don't care about how young he is emotionally. Many boys are young emotionally but still don't get into the kind of trouble your son willingly got involved in. He is a MAN legally. He is old enough to fight for his country and many young men and women his age are. He is old enough to be in college, planning his future and many young men and women his age are doing just that. He is old eough to be clean and have a full time job and his own place and many young men and women his age do. If I can give you any advice at all that may help you it is to stop treating him like he is a poor little boy, the one who skinned his knee when he was six, and you made it better. He has to learn to solve his own problems and face the consequences all adults face when they are criminals and break the law or he will not learn. There are eighty-five year old mothers living with their sixty-five year old drug addicted senior citizen sons...and they have never lived their own lives at all and it has not changed the person one bit. There are others who let go and, if you believe, let God. We have a right to a good life. Your entire family has a right to live their lives without throwing money at a young man who doesn't appreciate it or try to help himself. If he were mine, he would not be living at home. I hope you don't find this harsh. We always advise people to take what they like and leave the rest. But this is what worked for my daughter when she abused drugs and she cleaned it up going on eleven years now. Once we knew she was involved in drugs, she got not one penny from us after that. She had to leave when we found a drug party going on in our house. She quit everything, even cigarettes. She is a productive member of society now with a long time SO and a baby girl who she is a great mother to. If I hadn't seen it, I would not believe that she ever took meth. There is hope, but there is more hope if you stop trying to fix your son and let him man up and take his punishments and do it himself. Enabling drug addiction is a huge fail. Hugs for your hurting heart. I hope you post often. Others will chime in...others with more experience and worse stories who can talk first hand about jail. My daughter was on parole twice, but never in jail. She used from age 12 (yes, that is twelve and we did not guess it) to age 19. There is hope. Detach. You can do it. We are all in this together and all of us are here for you. [/QUOTE]
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Desperately in need of advice for my son
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