Despite my broken heart, we put my 16 year old son out of the house

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Devestated

Your son's father said son has to hit rock bottom to get help. He would know since he is an addict. He probably doesn't want to see his/your son spend as many years fighting this demon as he did.

The truth is, we just never now. I also hope my son does not have to deal with this monkey on his back the rest of his life which leaves him powerless. But I know we have done all we can and the rest is up to him. Your son is SO young and there may be many years of this ahead I'm afraid. It takes a long time for maturity to kick in. I'm still waiting and my son is 21 now.
 
Mother !!!! Be tough and stay tough...

I know how hard it is and heartbreaking to kick your son out of the house. At least you have a strong desire to get your son back and trying to
teach him a lesson. Hope he learns and accepts your action. It is all from your love. Some people can learn things from other people but some
have to learn through his/her own experience. Everyone is different and common things I see here on the forum is our children are the ones
that have to learn in hard ways.. We have done the best what we can but have to take an extra step for our children. They all are precious but
boundaries must be set which is the hardest point for loving parents to swallow....

As our therapist said, they will stay out then come back in telling you he will follow the rules. Then they break the rules and go out again. Depending on the person, it can be only once or multiple times. I just heard that from my therapist. So prepare for it as we all hope once is enough for him to check into reality.

I wish my wife were as strong as yours.... Keep posting and let us know. We hope for you and your son. We wish he wakes up and doesn't get into
more troubles...
 

NotSafeNSound

New Member
I am crying.
DevastatedMom: Your story is mine exactly except my 16 year old is a girl. I feel for you. I am also in Canada (GTA). My husband and I are at the critical decision of kicking her out to protect our 2 much younger kids. She just came out of 1-week detox (wouldn't go to offered rehab) and didn't last 2 days at home before selling some of my stuff and taking off to get high (xanax, coke, pot and other pills). I didn't know we could legally kick her out....where should I look to for more information about getting her out of the house and getting her into a shelter? I am losing my mind and don't know how to help. She won't take any of the assistance anyone is offering.
 

missangelk

New Member
I created an account to answer my fellow Canadian parents.

My daughter is 17 and I have been on this road for almost 6 years now. Started with drinking, cocaine by 15 and straight to meth. I've learnt a lot of hard lessons and if it will help any parent, it is worth talking about.

Don't kick them out. There are abandonment laws that could kick you in the arse. Give them the option to protect yourself. An example is:
To live in my home you must follow these:
1. Go to detox amd commit to a treatment program. While waiting to go to treatment you are to see an AADAC councillor weekly and not associate with any of the peers you have been.
2. Give up your phone. If you are serious about sobriety, the phone needs to go.
If you are not willing to do these things you need to leave the house immediately and can return once it is completed.

It then gives them the choice. It seems harsh but I had child welfare threatening to charge me with abandonment for refusing to get my 16 year old child from detox early. Crazy, right?!! It's best to head that off before it happens.

Follow through. If they can find dope, they can find a couch. By law, you have to ask them if they have food and shelter. What you do from there is your choice. I always told my daughter that supper was at 5 and she was always welcome to come. She liked to moan about starving but rarely came to eat. She just wanted groceries to sell or cash for her pocket. I never let my daughter use my shower but I reminded her of where the food bank and shelters were. I also had to track her period. It was incredible how often she needed tampons. Turns out they have a street value and can be used in exchange for drugs. I ended up stopping the supply of those altogether.

Also by law, parents must report their minor child missing if you do not hear from them every 72 hours. I told her no texting, no facebook. I had to hear her voice. I've reported her missing three times.

There is a book I got off of Amazon called, "Don't let your kids kill you". I suggest reading it twice.

My biggest mistake was nearly destroying myself and the other children, all because she wanted to set her life ablaze. Exposing other children to the outbursts and aggression, even if not physical, can be seen as domestic violence. I had child services say that, if she remained in the home, I could run risk of losing the two younger ones because they were being exposed to domestic violence.

Phone the police. Phone the police. I can't stress that enough. I didnt. Somehow I thought I could save her from being a criminal if I didn't report the beatings I took, the theft of my property, the vandalism... If they are doing drugs, they will have no choice but to fund the addiction illegally. It's best for them if you start the process as soon as it starts. We don't have services for youth under the family enhancement act. All the way up to the Supreme Court, they try very hard to let the youth self-destruct. We are almost 3 years in of involvement with the Police. She has.... six or seven charges and about two dozen breaches of probation conditions. Even still, they release her. I'm hoping Thursday is when they Section 34 her under mental health and remand her.

Finally, if your child turns to prostitution, there are services through social services. It is the Protection of Sexually Exploited Youth. Under this order they can be detained for a maximum of 26 days. A court order can extend it as well. My daughter was sleeping with men all the way up to 40 years of age. She said they were boyfriends who cared about her. She only saw it for what it was once she was put in the safe house. They were clearly exploiting and using her though. Did it do any good? No. But it did give me room to breathe for 26 days.

It's hard. And it will hurt. But it's their journey to take. All a parent can do where drugs is involved is to be there to support positive choices, and to have VERY VERY strong boundaries. And please remember, if they are doing drugs, only actions speak. Their word is worth nothing anymore.

Best wishes. I hope this helps and if you hve any questions please just ask :)
 

lovemyson1

Well-Known Member
So sorry you're going through this. I'll never ever forget the times we kicked our son out. Totally broke my heart. You see, your son sounds like mine at that age. He didn't want to give up the weed smoking. But smoking weed leads to other drugs as you've already found out. Some drugs can be quite deadly. My son was addicted to heroin. I watched him turn into a skin and bone man who ended up stealing for his high. Long story short, he's been clean for 525 days and currently training to be a Marine, he's changed completely. There's hope. It took us several years but there's hope. What scares me is if they choose deadly drugs they can overdose & die and then there's no more hope. So I'm writing you to ask you if there's anything he's interested in? Some type of hobby or purpose to his life? If so, my suggestion is to help him focus on that purpose. Get him excited about his future. I truly believe this is what everyone needs, goals. If he doesn't have one, try to find one for him and encourage him to go for it. If he's striving for a healthy goal, he won't want to lay around high with no purpose. Hope this helps! ((hugs))
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
. So I'm writing you to ask you if there's anything he's interested in?
I agree with lovemyson.

My son who is 28, 10 years ago had strong interests: he is multilingual, native fluency in 2 languages beyond English, he loved martial arts, adored Brazilian culture, and travel. He read books for pleasure on linguistics, cultural anthropology.

Ten years later his interests have narrowed to conspiracy theories, maintaining his SSI and marijuana. He constantly fights the sense that he does not deserve more. An extremely good looking and social young man he struggles with the sense he is ugly and social anxiety.

I have for 5 years tried to detach, with the hope that his own sense of direction, need for purpose and motivation would be triggered. He seeks to be dependent and to rely on other people to provide support, and direction, and to take responsibility. I have accepted that this is the status quo until he decides to change it, and that by thrusting him away I contribute to the problem.

I believe my son is mentally ill. But I struggle with my own sense that everybody has a purpose and the responsibility to be productive to the extent that they are capable. That all of us need to live in society and to behave in a way that does not endanger others or ourselves. While my son little by little is nudging himself (with our help) towards these ends, it is very slow going, and we despair sometimes.

Some of our children, like lovemyson's child kick drugs and are able to find something that triggers their mobilizing and reaching towards their potential. Others. like my own child, seem to use marijuana and other drugs to self-medicate. My own son is fearful of physician-prescribed medication and while he has tried some medications, has rejected them all as dangerous or without effect.

What I am left with is the sense that none of us really chooses our lives, in their entirety, and must learn to accept that which we cannot change or is not in our power to change. Grace. I think is the word for this. (I have to say I am particularly ungraceful, but I am trying.)

I want to conclude with these goals, which I have for myself (the ones I can think of now.):

Keep yourself and your home safe and serene.

Look for support.

Root your own sense of value in things that are in you, and that you control.

Recognize that this is not your fault, nor is it under your control. You only control yourself.

Remember that my son has his own life, and it is not mine. I can be separate. He should be separate.

This is a very hard road. I am on my own hero's journey. I need safety, nourishment and encouragement along the way. From myself.
 
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DevastatedMom

New Member
My heart breaks for you! We just kicked our 18 year old son out for continuing to smoke weed in the house. He just quit school at the beginning of December. He have zero respect for our rules. He is acting exactly like your son except for the part of using the harder drugs at least that I know of. You are doing the right thing! Our love for our children hopefully one day will concur their need for their addictions. ***hugs***
MyOfTwoBoys

Hugs right back at you, MomOfTwoBoys. Thank you so much for the support! Is your son still out of the house? I will be posting a detailed update on my situation shortly... wishing you and your family peace and healing!
 

DevastatedMom

New Member
I am crying.
DevastatedMom: Your story is mine exactly except my 16 year old is a girl. I feel for you. I am also in Canada (GTA). My husband and I are at the critical decision of kicking her out to protect our 2 much younger kids. She just came out of 1-week detox (wouldn't go to offered rehab) and didn't last 2 days at home before selling some of my stuff and taking off to get high (xanax, coke, pot and other pills). I didn't know we could legally kick her out....where should I look to for more information about getting her out of the house and getting her into a shelter? I am losing my mind and don't know how to help. She won't take any of the assistance anyone is offering.

Hi NotSafeNSound, thank you for heartfelt response!!. My heart goes out to you, too! I know firsthand that there's a whole other area of concern when your prodigal child is a daughter. I'm so sorry to hear the one week detox didn't work... I was thinking of trying to get my son into something similar. I'm in the GTA too...can we direct message on here?
 

DevastatedMom

New Member
So sorry you're going through this. I'll never ever forget the times we kicked our son out. Totally broke my heart. You see, your son sounds like mine at that age. He didn't want to give up the weed smoking. But smoking weed leads to other drugs as you've already found out. Some drugs can be quite deadly. My son was addicted to heroin. I watched him turn into a skin and bone man who ended up stealing for his high. Long story short, he's been clean for 525 days and currently training to be a Marine, he's changed completely. There's hope. It took us several years but there's hope. What scares me is if they choose deadly drugs they can overdose & die and then there's no more hope. So I'm writing you to ask you if there's anything he's interested in? Some type of hobby or purpose to his life? If so, my suggestion is to help him focus on that purpose. Get him excited about his future. I truly believe this is what everyone needs, goals. If he doesn't have one, try to find one for him and encourage him to go for it. If he's striving for a healthy goal, he won't want to lay around high with no purpose. Hope this helps! ((hugs))

Dear LoveMySon,

Thanks so much for your kind words, and for sharing the amazing news about your own son's triumph through these turbulent waters!! I think it's so important for us parents walking through the middle of this fire to see light on the other side!! I can't imagine your joy and relief..congratulations to him for overcoming such a terrible unthinkable ordeal!

My son loves cars. I have been hesitant to discuss the prospects of helping him get a car until I see him turn the corner, but I have always thought that it could be a powerful motivation for change. I will mull that over in the weeks to come. Thanks so much for your suggestion, and for taking the time to respond to my post.
 

DevastatedMom

New Member
I agree with lovemyson.

My son who is 28, 10 years ago had strong interests: he is multilingual, native fluency in 2 languages beyond English, he loved martial arts, adored Brazilian culture, and travel. He read books for pleasure on linguistics, cultural anthropology.

Ten years later his interests have narrowed to conspiracy theories, maintaining his SSI and marijuana. He constantly fights the sense that he does not deserve more. An extremely good looking and social young man he struggles with the sense he is ugly and social anxiety.

I have for 5 years tried to detach, with the hope that his own sense of direction, need for purpose and motivation would be triggered. He seeks to be dependent and to rely on other people to provide support, and direction, and to take responsibility. I have accepted that this is the status quo until he decides to change it, and that by thrusting him away I contribute to the problem.

I believe my son is mentally ill. But I struggle with my own sense that everybody has a purpose and the responsibility to be productive to the extent that they are capable. That all of us need to live in society and to behave in a way that does not endanger others or ourselves. While my son little by little is nudging himself (with our help) towards these ends, it is very slow going, and we despair sometimes.

Some of our children, like lovemyson's child kick drugs and are able to find something that triggers their mobilizing and reaching towards their potential. Others. like my own child, seem to use marijuana and other drugs to self-medicate. My own son is fearful of physician-prescribed medication and while he has tried some medications, has rejected them all as dangerous or without effect.

What I am left with is the sense that none of us really chooses our lives, in their entirety, and must learn to accept that which we cannot change or is not in our power to change. Grace. I think is the word for this. (I have to say I am particularly ungraceful, but I am trying.)

I want to conclude with these goals, which I have for myself (the ones I can think of now.):

Keep yourself and your home safe and serene.

Look for support.

Root your own sense of value in things that are in you, and that you control.

Recognize that this is not your fault, nor is it under your control. You only control yourself.

Remember that my son has his own life, and it is not mine. I can be separate. He should be separate.

This is a very hard road. I am on my own hero's journey. I need safety, nourishment and encouragement along the way. From myself.

Hi Copabanana,

Thank you so much for your kind and insightful reply! I think you sound like a great mom, with a very healthy realistic perspective, and I hope your son will soon start to make the kind of changes that will give you peace of mind. Hope to talk to you more soon!
 

DevastatedMom

New Member
I created an account to answer my fellow Canadian parents.

My daughter is 17 and I have been on this road for almost 6 years now. Started with drinking, cocaine by 15 and straight to meth. I've learnt a lot of hard lessons and if it will help any parent, it is worth talking about.

Don't kick them out. There are abandonment laws that could kick you in the arse. Give them the option to protect yourself. An example is:
To live in my home you must follow these:
1. Go to detox amd commit to a treatment program. While waiting to go to treatment you are to see an AADAC councillor weekly and not associate with any of the peers you have been.
2. Give up your phone. If you are serious about sobriety, the phone needs to go.
If you are not willing to do these things you need to leave the house immediately and can return once it is completed.

It then gives them the choice. It seems harsh but I had child welfare threatening to charge me with abandonment for refusing to get my 16 year old child from detox early. Crazy, right?!! It's best to head that off before it happens.

Follow through. If they can find dope, they can find a couch. By law, you have to ask them if they have food and shelter. What you do from there is your choice. I always told my daughter that supper was at 5 and she was always welcome to come. She liked to moan about starving but rarely came to eat. She just wanted groceries to sell or cash for her pocket. I never let my daughter use my shower but I reminded her of where the food bank and shelters were. I also had to track her period. It was incredible how often she needed tampons. Turns out they have a street value and can be used in exchange for drugs. I ended up stopping the supply of those altogether.

Also by law, parents must report their minor child missing if you do not hear from them every 72 hours. I told her no texting, no facebook. I had to hear her voice. I've reported her missing three times.

There is a book I got off of Amazon called, "Don't let your kids kill you". I suggest reading it twice.

My biggest mistake was nearly destroying myself and the other children, all because she wanted to set her life ablaze. Exposing other children to the outbursts and aggression, even if not physical, can be seen as domestic violence. I had child services say that, if she remained in the home, I could run risk of losing the two younger ones because they were being exposed to domestic violence.

Phone the police. Phone the police. I can't stress that enough. I didnt. Somehow I thought I could save her from being a criminal if I didn't report the beatings I took, the theft of my property, the vandalism... If they are doing drugs, they will have no choice but to fund the addiction illegally. It's best for them if you start the process as soon as it starts. We don't have services for youth under the family enhancement act. All the way up to the Supreme Court, they try very hard to let the youth self-destruct. We are almost 3 years in of involvement with the Police. She has.... six or seven charges and about two dozen breaches of probation conditions. Even still, they release her. I'm hoping Thursday is when they Section 34 her under mental health and remand her.

Finally, if your child turns to prostitution, there are services through social services. It is the Protection of Sexually Exploited Youth. Under this order they can be detained for a maximum of 26 days. A court order can extend it as well. My daughter was sleeping with men all the way up to 40 years of age. She said they were boyfriends who cared about her. She only saw it for what it was once she was put in the safe house. They were clearly exploiting and using her though. Did it do any good? No. But it did give me room to breathe for 26 days.

It's hard. And it will hurt. But it's their journey to take. All a parent can do where drugs is involved is to be there to support positive choices, and to have VERY VERY strong boundaries. And please remember, if they are doing drugs, only actions speak. Their word is worth nothing anymore.

Best wishes. I hope this helps and if you hve any questions please just ask :)

Thanks so much for your insightful response MissAngelK! I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through with your daughter. How is she doing now?

I am in Ontario, here they do let parents kick out their kids at 16..it was the police that let my husband know that on the day he kicked him out. I even called Children's Aid myself to see if there's anything they could do to help us and they said no - here, there is a real void in the system for kids ages 16 to 18, and that's a big part of the problem.

I will totally get that book you mentioned. Reading Beyond Addiction right now...anyone have any comments on that?
 

DevastatedMom

New Member
Hello fellow parents,

Thanks to everyone for all the advice, support and kind words!

It was a very sad holiday season for me this year. My son stayed away more and more, and I became a little reclusive from friends and family, just feeling so sad and not wanting to infect people with the negativity. But I survived. My son tried the same tactic he had previously close to New Years - that if we didn't let him come home then, he may not even come home. If I could have persuaded my husband to let him back then, I would have, but he held his ground. I had arranged the mediation for the 3 of us. We each went and spent close to 2 hours talking about our issues independently, but when it came time to proceed with the day-long mediation session, my husband insisted he could not take a day off work. I was very upset about this, because he and I had agreed we needed this in order to allow my son home. So in the end, I talked my husband into taking my son back in in early January, and it's been difficult, with no professional intervention. Lots of tension builds between them and besides formalities, they don't say much to one another.

My son behaved well the first week, but it don't take long for old habits to prevail. He shared with me that he was using cocaine daily while out of the house. :-( :-( :-(
He is still insistent that he does not need or want any professional help, he can kick it on his own. I feel the time out of the house was a huge setback for him. He got thinner, and has developed random episodes of shaking. It had been noticed at school by a teacher and his peers, and makes him not want to go to school. :-( :-( :-(

I am more worried for his health than ever. He tells me he is taking xanax again sometimes, as it alleviates the shakes. He tells me he is really trying to get off all the hard stuff, and has let me drug test him twice, but for cocaine only. And he still hasn't passed. :-( :-( :-(
The fact he keeps trying gives me a little hope, but I can't stop the knawing fear in my gut. I am still on the Internet and phone everyday rallying resources and looking for answers on how to help my son.

To touch on the couple of positives, since he came home, he has a much better manner in communicating with me. He stays calm, has not been angry and aggressive once, and tells me he loves me regularly. He hugs me too, sometimes without me asking. Our relationship is healing, despite everything else. And he has a girlfriend, who I think is a good girl. He has been seeing her for about 6 months now, but our relationship was so volatile in the months leading up to him being kicked out he had no intention of introducing us. Now he is planning to bring her around, and he has warned me not to say anything about his drug use, as she only known about the weed. He had recently told me that she makes him feel better than drugs, so I'm hoping her positive influence can be leveraged in the near future too.
So that's where we're at right now. Not out of the woods yet, some really bad days still, but also some snippets of hope. Thanks to you all for listening, and ai will keep your posted. Wishing the best for all of us, and our kids!
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hi DevastatedMom.

I want to tell you that I am glad for you both that your son feels able to treat you better and more lovingly. I know how that feels. My son was hostile and rejecting for years and years and only recently has my son come back--he was such a loving and sweet child--and he is again now that person, with me, most of the time.

I am filled with questions. I want to know how your husband is dealing with having your son back, for starters. And how your son is interacting with the other kids, and they with him; and how he is doing in regards to your husband, his attitude and way of interacting.
I feel the time out of the house was a huge setback for him.
I know how this is too. I kicked out my son when he was 23. I had not heard of detachment but that was what I did, at least on the surface. But I could not emotionally detach. I had to cut off my feelings, filling my heart with anger. I only have become aware of this recently, that I was frozen for years, in order to cope.

I believe my son regressed and got into more trouble away from me. I feel conflicted, though. Because he was so hostile and intractable. He would not conform. He was aggressive, self-indulgent and impossible. He would call the cops on us to put us in jail. He would put holes in doors and walls. He would not work or do one thing productive. He would not seek treatment. What in the world was I going to do?

But I believed (or convinced myself) that he would swim, not sink, when he had to "work" to survive away from me. That did not happen. He found people to rescue him without conditions. He fell in love with marijuana. He never again worked for money, except for a few months. He let his work certification lapse. He regressed.

If I had to do it over again, push him out or not, I do not know what I would do. Because even if I had a do-over, I could not allow him to either abuse us or himself.

He is back either living with us, or in another property we own. I will not let him stay here anymore without a clean drug test. I will not let him stay here unless he finds some purposive activity. I do not know, really, what is next if he neither finds purpose or stays off the marijuana. I do not know what I will do. I fear this.

He will work for us, but we will not allow it anymore. We insist he find a way to be productive for himself. This does not mean he need do paid work.

My son is mentally ill. I have resisted this for so long. I am trying to come to grips that his motivation and volition are influenced by his mental illness. Duh.

On the basis of my own experience (only) I want to mention my thoughts and feelings about the drug use/and my own son. I believe to allow my son to use (even marijuana) drugs around me or be under the influence around me is to condone it. I live in a state that has voted to legalize marijuana. I still feel that way. I researched the law and I found that I have the right to set these limits in my home. I will not allow him to stay here on drugs. Period. End of story. I will not have a discussion whether marijuana is or is not a drug. For me, it is.

I would worry about your son's drug use at home, or being at home under the influence. I would worry that tolerating it would be construed as consent. I would worry about the potential for conflict between son and husband/and the influence on the other kids/or their perceived safety in your home, if you are aware of your son's drug use around them. (I live in the USA and the laws here may be different.)

I would also worry about your son's safety. Cocaine and xanex are dangerous. And their potential combination may be seriously dangerous. The withdrawal from xanex can be lethal. These are difficult, terrifying circumstances and I can imagine you feel between a rock and a hard place.

But I believe there is a stand to be taken, however hard it is to do.

First, let me say that I understand you may feel that your son may be safer with you. I understand this because my son has a mortal illness for which he requires medical treatment. When I kick him out it seriously affects his medical compliance. He does not see a doctor and I worry he will die.

But the thing is I am between the devil and the deep blue sea. Because on the one hand I fear he will die before me and on the other hand, I fear I will die and leave him alone and unprepared, without the skills to take care of and maintain himself as much more than a vagrant.

You see, you and I have no entirely good choice. There are costs either way. We have to choose which way we pay. Either standing up or being afraid.

I believe our adult children need us to take a stand for their potential, their safety and their dignity. I believe they have a greater potential to take a stand for themselves, if they see us setting and living up to a boundary with them.

Honestly, I feel harsh even writing this because it is harsh. That we are in these circumstances with our beloved children is impossible. But it is real.

When my son started suffering it should not have been a surprise. He had had a difficult history before I adopted him. But our relationship had been so close, so loving, so satisfying for the both of us. I was stunned and appalled when it changed. How could this have been so?

I know how gratifying it is to have them back. I struggle so much about knowing what to do. I seem clear in this post, to you. In myself I am filled with doubt. Do I ask too much? Is this insistence that he can live better, live more productively, find and maintain abstinence, a goal he does not value or want...wrong on my part?

Because you see, as clearly as I may articulate my position I am uncertain too.

At the end of the day I wonder if there really is a right or wrong way to do this. And I am using your thread to reflect my uncertainty and my lack of real clarity that what I am thinking or doing is the right way to go.

I would love to hear feedback on what I have posted.

I am glad you are back. I hope you stay with us for awhile. By everything you write I see you are a loving and caring and responsible mother and woman.

Thank you.
 

pigless in VA

Well-Known Member
Devastated Mom,

Yes, there is a way to have conversations (like internal email) on this site. Click on your name in the upper right hand corner of the screen. Then click "conversations". I think you can figure it out from there.

Hold onto those snippets of hope. I think it means that your son is learning what the drug use is doing to his life, but he has a long road ahead of him. He has to really want his sobriety in order to have the strength to fight for it.
 

Rosey

New Member
I created an account to answer my fellow Canadian parents.

My daughter is 17 and I have been on this road for almost 6 years now. Started with drinking, cocaine by 15 and straight to meth. I've learnt a lot of hard lessons and if it will help any parent, it is worth talking about.

Don't kick them out. There are abandonment laws that could kick you in the arse. Give them the option to protect yourself. An example is:
To live in my home you must follow these:
1. Go to detox amd commit to a treatment program. While waiting to go to treatment you are to see an AADAC councillor weekly and not associate with any of the peers you have been.
2. Give up your phone. If you are serious about sobriety, the phone needs to go.
If you are not willing to do these things you need to leave the house immediately and can return once it is completed.

It then gives them the choice. It seems harsh but I had child welfare threatening to charge me with abandonment for refusing to get my 16 year old child from detox early. Crazy, right?!! It's best to head that off before it happens.

Follow through. If they can find dope, they can find a couch. By law, you have to ask them if they have food and shelter. What you do from there is your choice. I always told my daughter that supper was at 5 and she was always welcome to come. She liked to moan about starving but rarely came to eat. She just wanted groceries to sell or cash for her pocket. I never let my daughter use my shower but I reminded her of where the food bank and shelters were. I also had to track her period. It was incredible how often she needed tampons. Turns out they have a street value and can be used in exchange for drugs. I ended up stopping the supply of those altogether.

Also by law, parents must report their minor child missing if you do not hear from them every 72 hours. I told her no texting, no facebook. I had to hear her voice. I've reported her missing three times.

There is a book I got off of Amazon called, "Don't let your kids kill you". I suggest reading it twice.

My biggest mistake was nearly destroying myself and the other children, all because she wanted to set her life ablaze. Exposing other children to the outbursts and aggression, even if not physical, can be seen as domestic violence. I had child services say that, if she remained in the home, I could run risk of losing the two younger ones because they were being exposed to domestic violence.

Phone the police. Phone the police. I can't stress that enough. I didnt. Somehow I thought I could save her from being a criminal if I didn't report the beatings I took, the theft of my property, the vandalism... If they are doing drugs, they will have no choice but to fund the addiction illegally. It's best for them if you start the process as soon as it starts. We don't have services for youth under the family enhancement act. All the way up to the Supreme Court, they try very hard to let the youth self-destruct. We are almost 3 years in of involvement with the Police. She has.... six or seven charges and about two dozen breaches of probation conditions. Even still, they release her. I'm hoping Thursday is when they Section 34 her under mental health and remand her.

Finally, if your child turns to prostitution, there are services through social services. It is the Protection of Sexually Exploited Youth. Under this order they can be detained for a maximum of 26 days. A court order can extend it as well. My daughter was sleeping with men all the way up to 40 years of age. She said they were boyfriends who cared about her. She only saw it for what it was once she was put in the safe house. They were clearly exploiting and using her though. Did it do any good? No. But it did give me room to breathe for 26 days.

It's hard. And it will hurt. But it's their journey to take. All a parent can do where drugs is involved is to be there to support positive choices, and to have VERY VERY strong boundaries. And please remember, if they are doing drugs, only actions speak. Their word is worth nothing anymore.

Best wishes. I hope this helps and if you hve any questions please just ask :)
I created an account to answer my fellow Canadian parents.

My daughter is 17 and I have been on this road for almost 6 years now. Started with drinking, cocaine by 15 and straight to meth. I've learnt a lot of hard lessons and if it will help any parent, it is worth talking about.

Don't kick them out. There are abandonment laws that could kick you in the arse. Give them the option to protect yourself. An example is:
To live in my home you must follow these:
1. Go to detox amd commit to a treatment program. While waiting to go to treatment you are to see an AADAC councillor weekly and not associate with any of the peers you have been.
2. Give up your phone. If you are serious about sobriety, the phone needs to go.
If you are not willing to do these things you need to leave the house immediately and can return once it is completed.

It then gives them the choice. It seems harsh but I had child welfare threatening to charge me with abandonment for refusing to get my 16 year old child from detox early. Crazy, right?!! It's best to head that off before it happens.

Follow through. If they can find dope, they can find a couch. By law, you have to ask them if they have food and shelter. What you do from there is your choice. I always told my daughter that supper was at 5 and she was always welcome to come. She liked to moan about starving but rarely came to eat. She just wanted groceries to sell or cash for her pocket. I never let my daughter use my shower but I reminded her of where the food bank and shelters were. I also had to track her period. It was incredible how often she needed tampons. Turns out they have a street value and can be used in exchange for drugs. I ended up stopping the supply of those altogether.

Also by law, parents must report their minor child missing if you do not hear from them every 72 hours. I told her no texting, no facebook. I had to hear her voice. I've reported her missing three times.

There is a book I got off of Amazon called, "Don't let your kids kill you". I suggest reading it twice.

My biggest mistake was nearly destroying myself and the other children, all because she wanted to set her life ablaze. Exposing other children to the outbursts and aggression, even if not physical, can be seen as domestic violence. I had child services say that, if she remained in the home, I could run risk of losing the two younger ones because they were being exposed to domestic violence.

Phone the police. Phone the police. I can't stress that enough. I didnt. Somehow I thought I could save her from being a criminal if I didn't report the beatings I took, the theft of my property, the vandalism... If they are doing drugs, they will have no choice but to fund the addiction illegally. It's best for them if you start the process as soon as it starts. We don't have services for youth under the family enhancement act. All the way up to the Supreme Court, they try very hard to let the youth self-destruct. We are almost 3 years in of involvement with the Police. She has.... six or seven charges and about two dozen breaches of probation conditions. Even still, they release her. I'm hoping Thursday is when they Section 34 her under mental health and remand her.

Finally, if your child turns to prostitution, there are services through social services. It is the Protection of Sexually Exploited Youth. Under this order they can be detained for a maximum of 26 days. A court order can extend it as well. My daughter was sleeping with men all the way up to 40 years of age. She said they were boyfriends who cared about her. She only saw it for what it was once she was put in the safe house. They were clearly exploiting and using her though. Did it do any good? No. But it did give me room to breathe for 26 days.

It's hard. And it will hurt. But it's their journey to take. All a parent can do where drugs is involved is to be there to support positive choices, and to have VERY VERY strong boundaries. And please remember, if they are doing drugs, only actions speak. Their word is worth nothing anymore.

Best wishes. I hope this helps and if you hve any questions please just ask :)
Our middle child has terrorized and traumatized us all. It is too late for us, but your advice is excellent and so important for families still at the beginning or middle of a similar situation.
Our daughter is now in college. She prostitutes herself through an online site even though we cover her tuition and expenses. She focused her aggression on her boyfriend instead of me, routinely hitting him and throwing things at him, until he finally broke up.
I wouldn’t allow her home for Thanksgiving, but my husband brought her home for Christmas. There has been no acknowledgement or discussion of her behavior. I am having a very hard time acting like everything is fine.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. This is an old, old and long thread. Yours may get lost and not read. The poster of this is not here anymore. You may want to start a new thread, if you want feedback

My thought immediately is that it is not too late for you to stop the abuse of you and your generosity. Of course you and husband need to be on the same page so therapy needs to happen if husband is in any sort of denial.

If this were my daughter, she would never get a dime for school if she were prostituting ??? and not doing college the normal way. It's our money, we can impose standards. She is harming herself and I wouldn't pay a dime for anything for her to be harming herself. Also, you and Dad need to get of one mind if she comes home and visits.

I get why you don't want her home.

I hope you can get help to come together over what measures to take regarding this daughter. Nothing will change for the better unless YOU change. You can't control your daughter but you can decide if she gets your money, visits or how much you are willing to see her. And you have total control over how you interact with husband. If your husband refuses therapy I think you should go yourself, to learn how to cope with daughter and your husband too. Be good to yourself. It is never too late to learn to love and pamper yourself and to let go of other's drama, even beloved children and spouses.

Love and hugs!
 

Rosey

New Member
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and helpful reply, SomewhereOutThere!
I reposted in what I’m pretty sure is a new thread.
Thank you!
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Your son still thinks he is in control. He told you which drug he was going to continue to use and is using emotional blackmail saying you won't see him for a while if you don't give in and let him come home for Christmas.

If you give in then you have proved to him that he is in control. You and your husband have set very fair and firm boundaries. No drugs and a treatment program. Stick to those boundaries. You have't kicked him out...you have given him a choice.

In a way I envy you. In my state, it is very hard to kick out even an adult who is using drugs in your home. We had to either go through a 60 day eviction process or go to court and get a temporary restraining order which is what we finally did.

The good news is that they can get better. After ten very long years of alcohol and drug abuse (heroin and benzoes), my daughter got serious about recovery. She has been sober for 22 months and is a different person now. It wasn't until two years of therapy where my husband and I learned how to set firm boundaries and stick to them that my daughter got better.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Your son still thinks he is in control. He told you which drug he was going to continue to use and is using emotional blackmail saying you won't see him for a while if you don't give in and let him come home for Christmas.

If you give in then you have proved to him that he is in control. You and your husband have set very fair and firm boundaries. No drugs and a treatment program. Stick to those boundaries. You have't kicked him out...you have given him a choice.

In a way I envy you. In my state, it is very hard to kick out even an adult who is using drugs in your home. We had to either go through a 60 day eviction process or go to court and get a temporary restraining order which is what we finally did.

The good news is that they can get better. After ten very long years of alcohol and drug abuse (heroin and benzoes), my daughter got serious about recovery. She has been sober for 22 months and is a different person now. It wasn't until two years of therapy where my husband and I learned how to set firm boundaries and stick to them that my daughter got better.
Kathy I love hearing that your daughter is 22 months into recover. Hope! No expectations but HOPE :angel:
 

Lost in sadness

Active Member
I am so sorry to hear your story. I feel your pain. I have no words of wisdom yet like some of the other fantastic people on this site. Keep coming back for support! Hugs and prays for a more peaceful new year! x
 
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