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Substance Abuse
Despite my broken heart, we put my 16 year old son out of the house
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 708022" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi DevastatedMom.</p><p></p><p>I want to tell you that I am glad for you both that your son feels able to treat you better and more lovingly. I know how that feels. My son was hostile and rejecting for years and years and only recently has my son come back--he was such a loving and sweet child--and he is again now that person, with me, most of the time.</p><p></p><p>I am filled with questions. I want to know how your husband is dealing with having your son back, for starters. And how your son is interacting with the other kids, and they with him; and how he is doing in regards to your husband, his attitude and way of interacting. I know how this is too. I kicked out my son when he was 23. I had not heard of detachment but that was what I did, at least on the surface. But I could not emotionally detach. I had to cut off my feelings, filling my heart with anger. I only have become aware of this recently, that I was frozen for years, in order to cope.</p><p></p><p>I believe my son regressed and got into more trouble away from me. I feel conflicted, though. Because he was so hostile and intractable. He would not conform. He was aggressive, self-indulgent and impossible. He would call the cops on us to put us in jail. He would put holes in doors and walls. He would not work or do one thing productive. He would not seek treatment. What in the world was I going to do?</p><p></p><p>But I believed (or convinced myself) that he would swim, not sink, when he had to "work" to survive away from me. That did not happen. He found people to rescue him without conditions. He fell in love with marijuana. He never again worked for money, except for a few months. He let his work certification lapse. He regressed.</p><p></p><p>If I had to do it over again, push him out or not, I do not know what I would do. Because even if I had a do-over, I could not allow him to either abuse us or himself. </p><p></p><p>He is back either living with us, or in another property we own. I will not let him stay here anymore without a clean drug test. I will not let him stay here unless he finds some purposive activity. I do not know, really, what is next if he neither finds purpose or stays off the marijuana. I do not know what I will do. I fear this.</p><p></p><p>He will work for us, but we will not allow it anymore. We insist he find a way to be productive for himself. This does not mean he need do paid work.</p><p></p><p>My son is mentally ill. I have resisted this for so long. I am trying to come to grips that his motivation and volition are influenced by his mental illness. Duh.</p><p></p><p>On the basis of my own experience (only) I want to mention my thoughts and feelings about the drug use/and my own son. I believe to allow my son to use (even marijuana) drugs around me or be under the influence around me is to condone it. I live in a state that has voted to legalize marijuana. I still feel that way. I researched the law and I found that I have the right to set these limits in my home. I will not allow him to stay here on drugs. Period. End of story. I will not have a discussion whether marijuana is or is not a drug. For me, it is.</p><p></p><p>I would worry about your son's drug use at home, or being at home under the influence. I would worry that tolerating it would be construed as consent. I would worry about the potential for conflict between son and husband/and the influence on the other kids/or their perceived safety in your home, if you are aware of your son's drug use around them. (I live in the USA and the laws here may be different.)</p><p></p><p>I would also worry about your son's safety. Cocaine and xanex are dangerous. And their potential combination may be seriously dangerous. The withdrawal from xanex can be lethal. These are difficult, terrifying circumstances and I can imagine you feel between a rock and a hard place.</p><p></p><p>But I believe there is a stand to be taken, however hard it is to do.</p><p></p><p>First, let me say that I understand you may feel that your son may be safer with you. I understand this because my son has a mortal illness for which he requires medical treatment. When I kick him out it seriously affects his medical compliance. He does not see a doctor and I worry he will die.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is I am between the devil and the deep blue sea. Because on the one hand I fear he will die before me and on the other hand, I fear I will die and leave him alone and unprepared, without the skills to take care of and maintain himself as much more than a vagrant.</p><p></p><p>You see, you and I have no entirely good choice. There are costs either way. We have to choose which way we pay. Either standing up or being afraid.</p><p></p><p>I believe our adult children need us to take a stand for their potential, their safety and their dignity. I believe they have a greater potential to take a stand for themselves, if they see us setting and living up to a boundary with them.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, I feel harsh even writing this because it is harsh. That we are in these circumstances with our beloved children is impossible. But it is real.</p><p></p><p>When my son started suffering it should not have been a surprise. He had had a difficult history before I adopted him. But our relationship had been so close, so loving, so satisfying for the both of us. I was stunned and appalled when it changed. How could this have been so?</p><p></p><p>I know how gratifying it is to have them back. I struggle so much about knowing what to do. I seem clear in this post, to you. In myself I am filled with doubt. Do I ask too much? Is this insistence that he can live better, live more productively, find and maintain abstinence, <em>a goal he does not value or want...</em>wrong on my part?</p><p></p><p>Because you see, as clearly as I may articulate my position I am uncertain too.</p><p></p><p>At the end of the day I wonder if there really is a right or wrong way to do this. And I am using your thread to reflect my uncertainty and my lack of real clarity that what I am thinking or doing is the right way to go.</p><p></p><p>I would love to hear feedback on what I have posted.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are back. I hope you stay with us for awhile. By everything you write I see you are a loving and caring and responsible mother and woman.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 708022, member: 18958"] Hi DevastatedMom. I want to tell you that I am glad for you both that your son feels able to treat you better and more lovingly. I know how that feels. My son was hostile and rejecting for years and years and only recently has my son come back--he was such a loving and sweet child--and he is again now that person, with me, most of the time. I am filled with questions. I want to know how your husband is dealing with having your son back, for starters. And how your son is interacting with the other kids, and they with him; and how he is doing in regards to your husband, his attitude and way of interacting. I know how this is too. I kicked out my son when he was 23. I had not heard of detachment but that was what I did, at least on the surface. But I could not emotionally detach. I had to cut off my feelings, filling my heart with anger. I only have become aware of this recently, that I was frozen for years, in order to cope. I believe my son regressed and got into more trouble away from me. I feel conflicted, though. Because he was so hostile and intractable. He would not conform. He was aggressive, self-indulgent and impossible. He would call the cops on us to put us in jail. He would put holes in doors and walls. He would not work or do one thing productive. He would not seek treatment. What in the world was I going to do? But I believed (or convinced myself) that he would swim, not sink, when he had to "work" to survive away from me. That did not happen. He found people to rescue him without conditions. He fell in love with marijuana. He never again worked for money, except for a few months. He let his work certification lapse. He regressed. If I had to do it over again, push him out or not, I do not know what I would do. Because even if I had a do-over, I could not allow him to either abuse us or himself. He is back either living with us, or in another property we own. I will not let him stay here anymore without a clean drug test. I will not let him stay here unless he finds some purposive activity. I do not know, really, what is next if he neither finds purpose or stays off the marijuana. I do not know what I will do. I fear this. He will work for us, but we will not allow it anymore. We insist he find a way to be productive for himself. This does not mean he need do paid work. My son is mentally ill. I have resisted this for so long. I am trying to come to grips that his motivation and volition are influenced by his mental illness. Duh. On the basis of my own experience (only) I want to mention my thoughts and feelings about the drug use/and my own son. I believe to allow my son to use (even marijuana) drugs around me or be under the influence around me is to condone it. I live in a state that has voted to legalize marijuana. I still feel that way. I researched the law and I found that I have the right to set these limits in my home. I will not allow him to stay here on drugs. Period. End of story. I will not have a discussion whether marijuana is or is not a drug. For me, it is. I would worry about your son's drug use at home, or being at home under the influence. I would worry that tolerating it would be construed as consent. I would worry about the potential for conflict between son and husband/and the influence on the other kids/or their perceived safety in your home, if you are aware of your son's drug use around them. (I live in the USA and the laws here may be different.) I would also worry about your son's safety. Cocaine and xanex are dangerous. And their potential combination may be seriously dangerous. The withdrawal from xanex can be lethal. These are difficult, terrifying circumstances and I can imagine you feel between a rock and a hard place. But I believe there is a stand to be taken, however hard it is to do. First, let me say that I understand you may feel that your son may be safer with you. I understand this because my son has a mortal illness for which he requires medical treatment. When I kick him out it seriously affects his medical compliance. He does not see a doctor and I worry he will die. But the thing is I am between the devil and the deep blue sea. Because on the one hand I fear he will die before me and on the other hand, I fear I will die and leave him alone and unprepared, without the skills to take care of and maintain himself as much more than a vagrant. You see, you and I have no entirely good choice. There are costs either way. We have to choose which way we pay. Either standing up or being afraid. I believe our adult children need us to take a stand for their potential, their safety and their dignity. I believe they have a greater potential to take a stand for themselves, if they see us setting and living up to a boundary with them. Honestly, I feel harsh even writing this because it is harsh. That we are in these circumstances with our beloved children is impossible. But it is real. When my son started suffering it should not have been a surprise. He had had a difficult history before I adopted him. But our relationship had been so close, so loving, so satisfying for the both of us. I was stunned and appalled when it changed. How could this have been so? I know how gratifying it is to have them back. I struggle so much about knowing what to do. I seem clear in this post, to you. In myself I am filled with doubt. Do I ask too much? Is this insistence that he can live better, live more productively, find and maintain abstinence, [I]a goal he does not value or want...[/I]wrong on my part? Because you see, as clearly as I may articulate my position I am uncertain too. At the end of the day I wonder if there really is a right or wrong way to do this. And I am using your thread to reflect my uncertainty and my lack of real clarity that what I am thinking or doing is the right way to go. I would love to hear feedback on what I have posted. I am glad you are back. I hope you stay with us for awhile. By everything you write I see you are a loving and caring and responsible mother and woman. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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Despite my broken heart, we put my 16 year old son out of the house
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