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Detaching but not understanding?
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 47949" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I am now blubbering. I guess accepting that she is what she is is not what I want/can do. She is everything to me. I would die for her, give up everything so she could succeed and, yet, all she wants to do is fail. You're right, there is nothing I can do but accept. I am gradually getting to that spot but I sure don't like it! </div></div></p><p></p><p>MeowBunny, I know where you are, and it's a hard place to be. I came here not so long ago, and felt exactly the same way about my son as you do about your child. The only thing I can tell you for sure is this: just as your difficult child has to "hit the brick wall" before she'll consider changing, we parents <strong>also</strong> have to hit a brick wall with our difficult child's before we learn to change (or accept reality, if you will).</p><p></p><p>As others here can tell you, I clung to the image of what my son <em>was</em> for a long time, hoping that the son I knew and loved was still "in there". Even now, I don't know if he is; I can only go by the person he is "now" - and that person is NOT the son I want him to be.</p><p></p><p>It took many months, many episodes of him acting out, and many, many supportive and helpful conversations with the good folks here on CD who have been there done that before I finally hit <strong>my</strong> brick wall. Until that happened, I <strong><u>couldn't</u></strong> detach. Detaching felt like I was abandoning him, which goes against every parental instinct I had. But I finally realized that detaching wasn't abandonment. It's a necessary space between you and your loved one to keep the damage to <strong>you</strong> and the others in your family to a minimum.</p><p></p><p>Maybe it would help if you viewed detachment from the perspective of the 1st step of the Families Anonymous 12-step program:</p><p></p><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over drugs and other peoples lives that our lives had become unmanageable.</div></div></p><p>That was certainly true in my case. To an extent, it still is. Learning to detach is hard. It sucks. But it's also necessary so that you can approach the situation with a clear head and make somewhat rational choices (when they occur - we don't often get choices with our difficult child's).</p><p></p><p>I'll be the first to admit that it's a hard thing to do. But I'm learning. And it helps, since I can't learn to cope until I detach. And I couldn't detach until <strong>I</strong> hit my own brick wall. </p><p></p><p>I hope this helps in some small way. There are lots of folks around here who can help you talk things through, just listen, or maybe direct you to help you didn't know about (books, groups, other sites, etc..) Keep trying, keep coming back, and don't give up hope.</p><p></p><p>Prayers for you and yours,</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 47949, member: 3579"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I am now blubbering. I guess accepting that she is what she is is not what I want/can do. She is everything to me. I would die for her, give up everything so she could succeed and, yet, all she wants to do is fail. You're right, there is nothing I can do but accept. I am gradually getting to that spot but I sure don't like it! </div></div> MeowBunny, I know where you are, and it's a hard place to be. I came here not so long ago, and felt exactly the same way about my son as you do about your child. The only thing I can tell you for sure is this: just as your difficult child has to "hit the brick wall" before she'll consider changing, we parents [b]also[/b] have to hit a brick wall with our difficult child's before we learn to change (or accept reality, if you will). As others here can tell you, I clung to the image of what my son [i]was[/i] for a long time, hoping that the son I knew and loved was still "in there". Even now, I don't know if he is; I can only go by the person he is "now" - and that person is NOT the son I want him to be. It took many months, many episodes of him acting out, and many, many supportive and helpful conversations with the good folks here on CD who have been there done that before I finally hit [b]my[/b] brick wall. Until that happened, I [b]<u>couldn't</u>[/b] detach. Detaching felt like I was abandoning him, which goes against every parental instinct I had. But I finally realized that detaching wasn't abandonment. It's a necessary space between you and your loved one to keep the damage to [b]you[/b] and the others in your family to a minimum. Maybe it would help if you viewed detachment from the perspective of the 1st step of the Families Anonymous 12-step program: <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over drugs and other peoples lives that our lives had become unmanageable.</div></div> That was certainly true in my case. To an extent, it still is. Learning to detach is hard. It sucks. But it's also necessary so that you can approach the situation with a clear head and make somewhat rational choices (when they occur - we don't often get choices with our difficult child's). I'll be the first to admit that it's a hard thing to do. But I'm learning. And it helps, since I can't learn to cope until I detach. And I couldn't detach until [b]I[/b] hit my own brick wall. I hope this helps in some small way. There are lots of folks around here who can help you talk things through, just listen, or maybe direct you to help you didn't know about (books, groups, other sites, etc..) Keep trying, keep coming back, and don't give up hope. Prayers for you and yours, Mikey [/QUOTE]
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