This post is about the "with love" part of detaching. I am grasping the detachment part, but having a hard time balancing that with love, to be honest. How does the "with love" part come into play when it is so trying to even be in the presence of difficult child? JT is not just struggling with substance abuse. He is a downright difficult person with potentially sociopathic behaviors. The following is the short list: Extreme Narcissism - Brags about himself endlessly; believes he is especially talented and superior to others; truly believes everything he says; has not changed, despite his obvious failings in life; "big head" fails to begin to capture the magnitude of difficult child's self love. Grandiosity - Has inflated ideas; delusional about his capabilities. Self-Centered Behavior - Displays 100% concern for self and 0% for others. Lack of Conscience - Has no empathy for others or the impact his behaviors have on them. Irresponsibility - Does not keep commitments or pay bills; does not acknowledge mistakes or hurting others. Impulsivity - Fails to achieve goals due to constant impulsive decisions that sabotage his future; little ability to self-regulate or implement self-discipline; ADHD/ODD. Promiscuity - Behaves in sexually promiscuous ways; many, many very short-lived relationships; STDs, and porn watching; claimed he was getting married numerous times over the past six months to different people, but has not been able to maintain a serious committed relationship. Taking Advantage of Others - Uses others to get what he wants, i.e. girlfriends who let him use their vehicles, wash his clothes, clean up his apartment; a moocher; very entitled attitude and behavior. Condescending - Puts down others every chance he gets; insults our lifestyle, religion, skills, employment, and even our vehicles. Lying - Lies non-stop about everything; cannot be trusted; pretends and wears social masks in order to manipulate and get what he wants. Legal Issues - Has underage drinking violations and arrests. Swearing - Uses foul and slang language that is repulsive and disrespectful. Disrespect - Refuses to behave in respectful ways in situations where it is expected, i.e. does not wear clean clothing or shave or wash his face; rude. Drug Use - Uses alcohol, prescription drugs, and cigarettes, and possibly others as well. Ingratitude - Does not show thankfulness for the things he has or what people give him. Mean Behavior - Purposefully says and does things to upset his parents, i.e. insults and sarcasm and guilt and drama through text messages and phone calls, especially; takes pleasure in causing trouble and drama. Gun-Toting Red-Neck Behavior - Feels proud of his red-neck image, complete with dirty camo clothing, attitude, and gun. You get the idea. Anyway, maybe some of you have difficult children that are abusing alcohol and drugs but are still likable in some way, but this is not the case for us. Our JT is extremely challenging to even tolerate for any length of time these days. He has caused us unspeakable grief over the past two years, and yet, he has offered zero acknowledgement of this. In fact, if anything, he seems to feel more entitled than ever. For example, he recently texted me an insult about going to church and also in the middle of the night that he was drunk and still expected that I would want to visit his new girlfriend a couple of days later. I just didn't feel like seeing him. He told us after his arrest a couple of months ago that he was turning his life around, blah, blah, blah! Yeah, right! I think husband and I are doing well with detaching, but because of JT's difficult attitudes and behaviors, we rarely have contact with him any more. We don't call or text him, except in response to his texts or calls (if respectful). Things have really deteriorated. Even his grandparents and their friends cannot stand him right now. They feel used. Unbelievably, JT continues to expect to use their garage for his projects and boast about himself to the high heavens all the while. No one can stand his egotistical, self-centered, ridiculous, delusional world any more. Honestly, we don't like JT the least bit these days. How do we detach "with love"? I don't feel loving at all. I feel hateful, even, to be honest. And, I don't like that I feel this way. I am judging myself for it. I would like to have a clear conscience, but I don't. I would like to keep the "with love" part intact, even in detachment, but I am struggling with it. I should love JT no matter what, right? I want to see him, in theory, but then, when I do see him, it is very upsetting and takes me days to recover, emotionally. husband wants pretty much no visits or contact unless and until JT turns his life around. We also have Bubby, our 13yo boy, to think about.