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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 31380" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: katmom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">...My way of detaching from my son's drug use and continuous issues is by allowing him to continue with choices that I have no control over. For years I made myself crazy trying to keep track of him, get him to get a job, go to school, do what he should be doing. I gave that up....</div></div></p><p></p><p>Oh, how wife and I have flirted with taking that stance. I applaude your ability to do so - how has it worked for you? We've even contemplated "renting" a room in our house to our difficult child, complete with renters contract and house conduct stipulations/rules.</p><p></p><p>The book I'm currently reading says that the first way to regain control is to have clearly written, unambiguous contracts with consequences and rewards spelled out. If I tried that by itself, my son would go beserk and not sign it. <strong>But</strong>, if I were a little sneakier and tied it into something he wanted (like moving into the basement), it might work.</p><p></p><p>Might.</p><p></p><p>Right now, primary stimulus for his acting out is rebelling against us as the parents. Someone else here posted that the conflict and rebellion between them and their difficult child had taken on a life of its own, long after the original issue was dead. </p><p></p><p>I'm pretty sure that's what's happened with our son. Not sure what the original issues were. Now, though, the main issue is that he is NOT going to be controlled by us. Every time we try, we give him license to act out. </p><p></p><p>The hope with such an arrangement is that we'd be removing his primary stimulus to act out, i.e. <u>us</u>. In the past, he's responded VERY well when we removed or avoided something that triggered his rebellion in order to deal with an issue. Like another poster said, it was in how something was stated that either provoked a response or got their difficult child's attention.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Maybe this would give him the breathing room he "says" he needs to figure things out and grow up. More likely, though, this would mean we'd be there when he finally hit bottom to help him back up (yes, we're still hopeful, or hopelessly co-dependent, depending on your perspective).</p><p> :hammer: </p><p></p><p><strong>BUT</strong> (there's always a but, isn't there?)...</p><p></p><p>We live in Kansas, where we're still liable for his actions until he's 18 or out of HS (whichever is later). Because of that, we can't treat him (yet) like a tennant in our house. Regardless of any paper we all sign, if difficult child went and really screwed the pooch we'd be on the ropes for it, and maybe even in worse shape since in this mega-conservative state such an agreement with an underage dependant might be seen as parental neglect.</p><p></p><p>So for now, that wouldn't work for us, and we don't know if it ever would. But we sure have thought about it a lot, and may still use it once it becomes viable.</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 31380, member: 3579"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: katmom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">...My way of detaching from my son's drug use and continuous issues is by allowing him to continue with choices that I have no control over. For years I made myself crazy trying to keep track of him, get him to get a job, go to school, do what he should be doing. I gave that up....</div></div> Oh, how wife and I have flirted with taking that stance. I applaude your ability to do so - how has it worked for you? We've even contemplated "renting" a room in our house to our difficult child, complete with renters contract and house conduct stipulations/rules. The book I'm currently reading says that the first way to regain control is to have clearly written, unambiguous contracts with consequences and rewards spelled out. If I tried that by itself, my son would go beserk and not sign it. [b]But[/b], if I were a little sneakier and tied it into something he wanted (like moving into the basement), it might work. Might. Right now, primary stimulus for his acting out is rebelling against us as the parents. Someone else here posted that the conflict and rebellion between them and their difficult child had taken on a life of its own, long after the original issue was dead. I'm pretty sure that's what's happened with our son. Not sure what the original issues were. Now, though, the main issue is that he is NOT going to be controlled by us. Every time we try, we give him license to act out. The hope with such an arrangement is that we'd be removing his primary stimulus to act out, i.e. <u>us</u>. In the past, he's responded VERY well when we removed or avoided something that triggered his rebellion in order to deal with an issue. Like another poster said, it was in how something was stated that either provoked a response or got their difficult child's attention. Maybe this would give him the breathing room he "says" he needs to figure things out and grow up. More likely, though, this would mean we'd be there when he finally hit bottom to help him back up (yes, we're still hopeful, or hopelessly co-dependent, depending on your perspective). [img]:hammer:[/img] [b]BUT[/b] (there's always a but, isn't there?)... We live in Kansas, where we're still liable for his actions until he's 18 or out of HS (whichever is later). Because of that, we can't treat him (yet) like a tennant in our house. Regardless of any paper we all sign, if difficult child went and really screwed the pooch we'd be on the ropes for it, and maybe even in worse shape since in this mega-conservative state such an agreement with an underage dependant might be seen as parental neglect. So for now, that wouldn't work for us, and we don't know if it ever would. But we sure have thought about it a lot, and may still use it once it becomes viable. Mikey [/QUOTE]
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