Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Something has changed in the way I see. All these months I have tried so hard to figure out how to detach. It worked. It seems to be happening for me now at the speed of light. I remember my own hopelessness regarding ever reaching a point where I was not vulnerable to my children. I am not there yet, but every single thing I thought was rock bottom solid is being reinterpreted.
****
After difficult child daughter received her tax return, we weren't hearing so often from her. We decided that was a healthy thing, and tried to let go of that worried feeling. When I did get to talk to her, difficult child daughter was all about how she'd stopped taking her medications for three days and gone into a manic state. She made a big thing about how she'd been shoveling snow at 4 in the morning, and added that she was lucky there had been so much snow, or she might have been tempted to go to the casino. And in that manic state, she made sure to clarify, she might have spent all her money.
We learned last night that difficult child's aunt has seen her at the casino, twice.
We are not hearing from difficult child, and she does not pick up when we call.
I remember MWM posting that having a mental illness does not excuse irresponsibility. I have been reading the post she did this morning about personality disorders combined with mental illness. Thank you, MWM, for posting about such things so clearly and knowledgeably. (Whatever hat you are wearing!)
I am trying really hard to hold COM's idea of both the cloud and the silver lining in my mind. The bad that is visible, and the good that is unseen. This imagery is helping me very much to stay in a calm place emotionally.
husband was angry this morning. It feels like everything is starting all over again. Bad dreams, and he had trouble sleeping, last night. I seem to be holding steady. A little broken place, where I had hoped this was all turning around.
I am so thankful for this site, and for all of you.
It is chilling to consider that difficult child daughter may be using her illness as an excuse ~ to understand that she is prepping us for when her money is gone; to understand she is going to blame her illness....
Had it not been for MWM's postings on mental illness and responsibility, that strategy would have worked, seamlessly and probably, for the rest of our lives.
I feel like a nasty, blaming, disgusting person, to think like this. I don't want to be that person who believes bad things were all the person was ever capable of, will ever be capable of.
I realize this is the cornerstone of how I con myself into enabling.
I don't want to be my mother.
I don't want to be that person, to my children.
I realize the truth is that, to my knowledge anyway, I could never be that person. Here is an exciting thing: With a thunderous crash the abuser's valance collapses.
Back to difficult child daughter, then. I am working on just seeing what is, without judging anything about it.
It is a fine line to walk.
I understand that if I can do this, I will have addressed and removed the emotional charge from whatever poisonous brokenness is left of my mother's valance.
I see that, see myself doing that.
I remember the picture you posted, Recovering. The one where the eyes had to be cut open before they would open.
Seeing without judging or blaming or anger makes the whole thing less threatening, less traumatic.
It is what it is.
Same set of facts, but how different an interpretation.
Nothing to do with hope or pain or joy. Without judgment, the situation just is what it is.
***********
difficult child son called, said it had been a misdial. He asked whether difficult child daughter was here. husband told him she wasn't, that she had been living in a shelter for battered women since being released from the hospital. The whole conversation had this kind of unreal quality. At one point, husband told difficult child son he was done sending money. He told difficult child son he did not like the way he had been treating his mother. (Me.) It was a good and healthy thing. My poor husband. He had this kind of defensive, hangdog look about what he had said to difficult child son. I usually light into husband about how important a father's words are, about how he needs to let the kids know he believes in them and etc. (I know. I am groaning now. There was a time I believed we had to look for the best, encourage growth in a healthy direction and...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)
husband was so happy when I told him he did great, that what he said needed to be said, and that I was done blaming him for coming up on the kids for the crummy things they do.
:O)
Another huge step forward for me. And the funny thing is it was so easy to see it. I used to bend over backwards to talk positively to the kids. And get up on husband about how he talked to them.
Shame on me. Better late than never, and I see it now.
difficult child ended the conversation with something about calling tomorrow morning. The implication there being that husband had had too much to drink.
husband did not catch that, but I did.
Grrr...!
That is an example of what I mean about detaching at the speed of light. All those hurtful things either difficult child has said about one or both of us make me so angry now.
That is almost the strangest piece about everything that is happening, now. There was a time when not only did i not display anger, I truly did not feel it.
I understood, I had compassion, I came up with solutions, but I did not get angry. I am so done with all that! And I have no guilt, and I feel no sorrow, and I am so disgusted with every lie, with every broken dream and promise.
This morning, husband said that, with all we have, with as fortunate as we have been...we don't really have anything, because we don't have family the way we always believed we would. And while this is true, and it does feel pretty empty at the heart of things sometimes...this is a better place to be than trying so determinedly to save something we never really had, or to pretend that what we had was enough, when it never was. In fact, most of the holidays were just awful. And now that I really let myself think about it without judging and adjusting my emotional reactions...so many of the rest of the days were pretty bad, too.
Cedar
****
After difficult child daughter received her tax return, we weren't hearing so often from her. We decided that was a healthy thing, and tried to let go of that worried feeling. When I did get to talk to her, difficult child daughter was all about how she'd stopped taking her medications for three days and gone into a manic state. She made a big thing about how she'd been shoveling snow at 4 in the morning, and added that she was lucky there had been so much snow, or she might have been tempted to go to the casino. And in that manic state, she made sure to clarify, she might have spent all her money.
We learned last night that difficult child's aunt has seen her at the casino, twice.
We are not hearing from difficult child, and she does not pick up when we call.
I remember MWM posting that having a mental illness does not excuse irresponsibility. I have been reading the post she did this morning about personality disorders combined with mental illness. Thank you, MWM, for posting about such things so clearly and knowledgeably. (Whatever hat you are wearing!)
I am trying really hard to hold COM's idea of both the cloud and the silver lining in my mind. The bad that is visible, and the good that is unseen. This imagery is helping me very much to stay in a calm place emotionally.
husband was angry this morning. It feels like everything is starting all over again. Bad dreams, and he had trouble sleeping, last night. I seem to be holding steady. A little broken place, where I had hoped this was all turning around.
I am so thankful for this site, and for all of you.
It is chilling to consider that difficult child daughter may be using her illness as an excuse ~ to understand that she is prepping us for when her money is gone; to understand she is going to blame her illness....
Had it not been for MWM's postings on mental illness and responsibility, that strategy would have worked, seamlessly and probably, for the rest of our lives.
I feel like a nasty, blaming, disgusting person, to think like this. I don't want to be that person who believes bad things were all the person was ever capable of, will ever be capable of.
I realize this is the cornerstone of how I con myself into enabling.
I don't want to be my mother.
I don't want to be that person, to my children.
I realize the truth is that, to my knowledge anyway, I could never be that person. Here is an exciting thing: With a thunderous crash the abuser's valance collapses.
Back to difficult child daughter, then. I am working on just seeing what is, without judging anything about it.
It is a fine line to walk.
I understand that if I can do this, I will have addressed and removed the emotional charge from whatever poisonous brokenness is left of my mother's valance.
I see that, see myself doing that.
I remember the picture you posted, Recovering. The one where the eyes had to be cut open before they would open.
Seeing without judging or blaming or anger makes the whole thing less threatening, less traumatic.
It is what it is.
Same set of facts, but how different an interpretation.
Nothing to do with hope or pain or joy. Without judgment, the situation just is what it is.
***********
difficult child son called, said it had been a misdial. He asked whether difficult child daughter was here. husband told him she wasn't, that she had been living in a shelter for battered women since being released from the hospital. The whole conversation had this kind of unreal quality. At one point, husband told difficult child son he was done sending money. He told difficult child son he did not like the way he had been treating his mother. (Me.) It was a good and healthy thing. My poor husband. He had this kind of defensive, hangdog look about what he had said to difficult child son. I usually light into husband about how important a father's words are, about how he needs to let the kids know he believes in them and etc. (I know. I am groaning now. There was a time I believed we had to look for the best, encourage growth in a healthy direction and...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)
husband was so happy when I told him he did great, that what he said needed to be said, and that I was done blaming him for coming up on the kids for the crummy things they do.
:O)
Another huge step forward for me. And the funny thing is it was so easy to see it. I used to bend over backwards to talk positively to the kids. And get up on husband about how he talked to them.
Shame on me. Better late than never, and I see it now.
difficult child ended the conversation with something about calling tomorrow morning. The implication there being that husband had had too much to drink.
husband did not catch that, but I did.
Grrr...!
That is an example of what I mean about detaching at the speed of light. All those hurtful things either difficult child has said about one or both of us make me so angry now.
That is almost the strangest piece about everything that is happening, now. There was a time when not only did i not display anger, I truly did not feel it.
I understood, I had compassion, I came up with solutions, but I did not get angry. I am so done with all that! And I have no guilt, and I feel no sorrow, and I am so disgusted with every lie, with every broken dream and promise.
This morning, husband said that, with all we have, with as fortunate as we have been...we don't really have anything, because we don't have family the way we always believed we would. And while this is true, and it does feel pretty empty at the heart of things sometimes...this is a better place to be than trying so determinedly to save something we never really had, or to pretend that what we had was enough, when it never was. In fact, most of the holidays were just awful. And now that I really let myself think about it without judging and adjusting my emotional reactions...so many of the rest of the days were pretty bad, too.
Cedar