Detachment just doesn't want to happen! Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Estherfromjerusalem, May 17, 2011.

  1. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    My difficult child has been in Australia for about 3 months. He has tried this work, and he has tried that work, and it isn't going well. I know that over the internet he has taken out a loan from his bank account. Dammit! I was so hoping that he would really love doing his own thing. I so controlled myself all through the time leading up to his going away. I really wanted to shout out "Hurrah! he's going. Go already, go now!" But I went through the motions, and I lied through my teeth and am still doing it. I speak to him on Facebook and I write to him that I miss him. On Skype we chat. And on the phone, I tell him I love him, and that I miss him. Well, I'm lying! I DO NOT MISS HIM. Life in our household is just glorious without him here. Every evening when we lock up the doors (even quite late sometimes), we know that that's it, no one is going to come in, talking very loud, slamming doors and faffing around in the kitchen. No, it is peaceful. I can get on with my work and concentrate. I can leave the computer, and come back to it an hour or two later and it is as I left it. No one has "by accident" deleted any of my work. I'm not handing out bits (quite large bits) of cash money as loans which are conveniently forgotten to be repaid. There is hardly any shouting (only when I lose my temper with my husband!). The whole extended family is calmer.

    Two days ago he told my husband on the phone that he is giving this new job (selling Dead Sea beauty products from a trolley in the mall) one more week, and if he's not successful, he will probably come home.

    And there I was, all detached.

    Oh well. He is 24 years old. I can't grumble, when I read other people's postings here. And as the years go by, he IS improving. He has held down a job here for 18 months, selling motorbikes and being a really successful salesman. He does have friends. He has had a steady girlfriend in the past, although now he hasn't.

    I hope he is successful and doesn't come back, for my sake and also for his sake, for his self-respect. He wanted to be away for a year. I truly wish him every success, because I know that if he succeeds, he will feel so much better about himself. But you know, these difficult children have a sort of self-destruct mechanism built in.

    Oh and by the way, when he left he told me that when he comes back, he will want to live at home!! No comment!

    I just re-read what I have written -- I apologise for the vent. That is the first time I have put into words how I feel about the possibility of his return.

    Love, Esther
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Don't apologize for how you feel, dear. You have good reason to feel the way you do.

    Is there some way he could return home and not live at home again? I think if it were me, I'd look into other options. At 22 he's finally left the nest.......may be time to inform him returning to it is not an option. If something were to ever happen to you or husband, what would he do then? He needs to learn independent living skills, and the only way to do that is by living independently.

    It's a shame it's not working out for him there, for both him and you.

    (((hugs))) Will be praying he finds something that pays well enough he can at least make his year goal.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    No apologies necessary. I feel the same way about my difficult child---it really makes me feel guilty. He is just so needy and if I do give anything---it's never enough and starts the who cycle of asking for stuff to start again---I didn't give him the jeans he requested for his birthday (the first of the month) and I waited until yesterday to drop off a pair of shorts I bought him at a huge discount---I expect a call anyday now asking for something...learning to detach is hard :(
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Alot can happen in a week! He can be successful at the job & fall in love. Or even just meet a new friend that is cool to hang with.

    Praying for these things for your difficult child!!!

    Did husband ask him where he plans to live? That would have been my response.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I completely understand Esther. My difficult child has been out of the house now for 6 1/2 weeks living in a sober house. I am terrified she is going to want to come home at the end of the six months, or before. I don't want her to, for the same reasons you mentioned. My house is now peaceful and I can actually sleep thru the night and my house stays clean and I can go on and on. I wish her well but I don't want to go back.

    I will cross my fingers that he decides to stay there.

  6. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your replies and your understanding. I was a bit amazed that I wrote all those horrible (but honest) things about how I feel about difficult child, but your replies have comforted me somewhat. I am soon going to be 66 years old (another two months) and it is difficult to have all these years with the tensions and stress. I would like some peace and quiet BEFORE I am too old to enjoy them (I almost am too old now). Well, I suppose it's my own fault for having him when I was already 41 years old!

    Love, Esther
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am with you I definitely do not want my son back in my house!!! No way. Right now it feels clear cut because I have a 16 year old daughter that I am determined to protect from any more chaos and so he knows he can't come back in theh house.... but it may mean me cosigning a lease on an apartment which I am not crazy about doing either.
  8. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Hi Esther, I understand completely how you feel and yes, you deserve peace! Do you consider that a promise was made that he could live at home if he comes back? If not, I'd tell him (or get husband to tell him, if possible) that when he returns, he'll need to find a place for himself. How's he planning to get back, by the way? Is he expecting you to pay for his ticket?
  9. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Well, it wasn't exactly a promise, but I did agree to it when he said that when he returns he wants to come and live at home. But I'm hoping that now he's tasted freedom, he won't want to come back home. I suppose it depends when he finds a job. As for his ticket: When you go to Australia on a work visa, they don't take any chances and he had to buy a return ticket, so there's no problem there! I must admit that I don't want to fork out any more money on any of my children, I've just had it with helping them out financially. I'm almost 66, and I'm still working like a slave. I must admit that I enjoy my work, since I am self-employed and I do editing and proofreading, and when my clients come back to me again and again it really flatters my ego. But nevertheless, staying up night after night until 2 or 3 in the morning working is no longer the pleasure it used to be. I laugh at myself when I say this, but sometimes I dream of sitting listening to the radio while I embroider or knit, and I just don't have time for those things. Oh well, at least I do Sudokus every day -- to keep my brain going!!

    Love, Esther
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Vent away, Esther. That's what we're here for.

    I am really struggling with Youngest being back home,with two kids in two. "Struggling" is an understatement these days, actually. I completely understand your reluctance, your dread, even (my word, not yours), at the thought of him living at home again.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Esther. Knowing Miss KT is only home until August 18 makes it much easier to deal, but I wonder what will happen once she graduates and can't find a job?
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I think it is good to be honest with yourself. And with discretion and care, honest with him. If you don't want him back in your home (for good reason), I would do whatever you can to make sure that just doesn't happen!
    I really like what you have said...your adult child has improved. It is not at the rate you want or in the way you want. But, it seems, you have seen small steps in the right direction. And that is a good thing. But, honestly, if at all possible, avoid having him back in your home. Your words were has been "glorious" having him out of your home. Hmmmm...that is NOT a word I see here on this forum often (if at all). I would really really push for more of THAT.
  13. helpme

    helpme New Member

    I'm proud of you for the great work detaching. Good luck with the situation :)
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I absolutely understand the feelings...and the guilt about them. Is there any chance that you can slant future conversations toward independent living should he come back to his home town? Yes, I know it sounds "sneaky" (and perhaps it is) but since there is such social ambivalence in adult difficult children perhaps you and husband could "suggest" "volunteer to explore" or in other ways seek out a place of his own should he come the seed would be planted well in advance that you all know he wants to continue to be independent even if he does opt to live in town??

    Were he to move back into "his room" it would be a long stressful battle to get him relocated. I'm hoping that by presenting the concept to him as may either one take away the idea of going backwards into dependence or trigger thoughts of future pride in finding his own home. Hugs. DDD
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Esther, I think that there is probably hope that he will come home with a better understanding of how much easier it is to make a go of it in a familiar place. I know you will be strong and that he will still have to make his own way. But there will be the added bonus of knowing how things work in your country, not worrying about a work visa, the security of having references that are people someone might actually know.

    I hope he will be well. Big hugs.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I so get how you feel about it being wonderful when they are Cory has been gone now for what, maybe almost 2 weeks now and its simply heaven! We all get along so much better when he is gone. He even gets along with himself better! He has already managed to get his rent saved up for the coming month and put back some money for his probation fees. When he was here, we couldnt get him to save a dime. It was all arguments. Right now, Cory and his dad are out fishing. When he lived here, they could hardly be in the same room together. Once they dont sleep under the same roof, they get along fine.
  17. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Witz, you put a completely new angle of thought into my mind, and do you know what, I think you have given me something very positive to consider. Yes, he probably will appreciate things here that previously he took for granted, especially vis-a-vis the work situation. Thank you for that insight.

    He spoke to my husband on Skype this afternoon. He has left that job. He can no longer afford the rent on the apartment he was in and has gone to a sort of free hostel run by some religious outfit. I suppose it's only a matter of time now until he comes home, and I must work on myself to be calm about it. My husband and I will have to be careful how we cope with him because he will probably be so disappointed with himself.

    Truly, I don't hate him. Sometimes I even love him. But it is soooo lovely having him so far away.

    Love, Esther