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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 762172" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>More on detachment. Unsure where it originated. </p><p></p><p></p><p>How is detachment a control issue?</p><p>Detachment is a control issue because:</p><p>* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."</p><p>* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.</p><p>* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."</p><p>* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.</p><p>* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.</p><p>* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.</p><p>* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.</p><p>* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.</p><p>* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.</p><p>* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.</p><p>* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.</p><p>* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.</p><p></p><p>What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?IRRATIONAL/FALSE/HARMFUL</p><p>* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?</p><p>* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.</p><p>* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.</p><p>* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.</p><p>* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.</p><p>* You need them as much as they need you.</p><p>* You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.</p><p>* They have so many problems, they need you.</p><p>* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.</p><p>* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.</p><p>* How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.</p><p>* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.</p><p>* You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?</p><p>* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.</p><p>* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.</p><p>* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.</p><p>* When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.</p><p>* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.</p><p>* You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.</p><p>* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.</p><p>* You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.</p><p>* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.</p><p>* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 762172, member: 4152"] More on detachment. Unsure where it originated. How is detachment a control issue? Detachment is a control issue because: * It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control." * If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control. * The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control." * If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control. * You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach. * You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved. * You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself. * You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems. * If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs. * By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them. * Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility. * It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become. What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?IRRATIONAL/FALSE/HARMFUL * If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you? * They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement. * What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this. * You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them. * They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime. * You need them as much as they need you. * You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs. * They have so many problems, they need you. * Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all. * If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be. * How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them. * Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural. * You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others? * The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life. * If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles. * When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman. * When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems. * When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction. * You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help. * You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful. * You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish. * No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support. * Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems. [/QUOTE]
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