Determined to look.....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Nov 3, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    on the bright side.

    Of late, things have hit our family ~ seemingly one thing after another. Home repairs we can't afford, car repairs, health issues, tweedle issues, etc.

    My health has been in a bit of a decline driving me up a wall & driving husband into somewhat of a depression.

    The economy is a worry; I can't control that. My health is a worry ~ other than following dr's orders I can't control that either. husband will have to handle his depression issues ~ I can support him & encourage him to go to the doctor for a refill on his medications; if he chooses not to do it, I cannot control that either.

    kt & wm's upcoming IEP's - very little control of the SD since they have both hit the high school level. I have a very competent team handling the tweedles & their issues. Currently, both sides are brushing up on the treatment plans & such as I can no longer manage it.

    Saying that, I can do my best to address the issues I can & let go of what isn't going to happen anyhow.

    I've been up for the past several nights ~ mostly thinking over the past year. At first I was angry, very angry - stomping about the house & accomplishing nothing but adding to the pain I was already feeling. Next I went onto researching anything & everything that might have been missed. I doubt that anything has been missed & I once again acknowledged I have an exceptional medical team.

    I got into a hissy fit over the length of time it's taking to recover & the fact that no doctor is even talking recovery anymore. It's maintenance now. Than I got into a hissy fit over the word maintenance - what kind of word is that? If a doctor is going to tell you that you are in a remission & need to work on maintenance it should be a more pleasant word. How can I make it sound more musical - a bit more "artistic"?

    I finally decided this is the way it is ~ it may get better; it may not. Life is life ~ good, bad or indifferent. It's my reaction that needs to change. I think I'm over my tantrum.....I may have a few more. You may hear about them, you may not.

    I have positives; kt & wm's smiles. husband's support & "seemingly" strong job in this economy (thank goodness). We have a roof over our heads & food on the table. The food may include more mac & cheese & hamburger than in the past, but it's food. I have my coffee! :coffee:, my painting :painter:, my piano (still iffy) to keep me occupied on those days I'm not sleeping. I now have a safe way to get out of the house - to take walks with my PT, my husband & my ktbug. It may only be half a block but that's more than I did a year ago.

    Thanks for letting me ramble ~ I hope this didn't sound like a big old whine. It wasn't intended that way. Just thinking out loud to my favorite people.:yourock:

  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    You are an awesome person. You have managed to find some bright spots. I have been haveing a hard time with that lately. Let the doctors talk maintenanc, you can always try for more. The reason that doctors practice medicine is that they don't have it perfected yet and they are wrong at times.

    Hang in there, and you can make it. I know you can.
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I always quote my sister in law who always says, "What else can you do? I mean really, what else can you do?" whenever she (or anyone) is faced with some new level of adversity in their lives. She has two difficult child's and two on the border of easy child/difficult child...and she always manages to find a way to muddle through it...happily. She finds the brighter spots in each day, even if that means the simple thing of not experiencing pain in her back while walking to her car or a clean kitchen or that my brother was able to get off work early and they could share an extra moment together.

    Sometimes when I am going through something, I try to think like my sister in law. And, now, like you! I think it's awesome that you're able to appreciate the good things in life even when they are seemingly at their worst. Sending giant hugs to you~
  4. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Well, since I can send cyber hugs, without causing you any physical pain....I'm sending the biggest, warmest and snuggiest cyber hug!

    I'm glad you are able to get out and walk around the block a bit. That's great that you are able to do that. Keep going....we are cheering you on.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member


    There's alot to be learned from what you posted here. There is always a bright side, there is always positive to search and look for and there is always a way in which to change our mode of thinking, and being greatful for the positive that lies within our hectic lives.

    Your an example of that.

    Thanks for sharing your random thoughts. :) Sometimes "random" thoughts are the best ones. I hope you sleep peacefully tonight.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    :DFavorite??? (blinks and smiles like Sponge Bob) - OH YOU!!!!! Go on!!!! no really - go on....tell me more about how much I'm the favorite.

    Nice to see you smile - really. Giving yourself credit for all you've been through this past year and how you worked it out in your head? VERY clever!
  7. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Sending hugs up to you. You stand up and deal with so much that it amazes me that one person can. Glad you are finding a brighter side. It makes things so much easier.

  8. dreamer

    dreamer New Member


    Life can be so hard sometimes. It sure caught me off guard when I got sick. I had been peoples care provider thru gruesome illness, how could I now be the ill person in need? I had taken care of my family alone, on my own, and now what would happen?
    It took quite awhile. But while I sat here in my brain fog of intense pain, I learned more and grew more. I remembered when my husband was first displaying his intense symptoms of mental collapse. I remember trying hard to find a way to connect with something inside him- when difficult child began to also gather her list of diagnosis'es, I remembered trying hard to teach her that in spite of her diagnosis'es, in spite of her difficulties - she still had a Life to live. Haveing her diagnosis'es might mean we changed some things, and it might mean she had to try harder.....but she still had the gift of Life.They say that which does not kill us makes us stronger. Things that happen often are prepareing us for things to come. My difficult child was born a difficult child, and I was able to ?? adapt? as she grew and her symptoms grew right along with her, and she was my first child, so I sorta thought ALL kids were so difficult. SO I learned as we went along on the journey of Life. I was bound and determined to make it work.becuz I had 14 miscarraiges thru the years and I finally HAD a child. Things I learned with my difficult child I also then later applied to my husband. Altho my husband got ill pretty early in our marriage, - and it was hard, but I was determined to make it work, becuz I came from a broken home, and my first husband died so young (I was 25)
    SO there I was struggleing and learning and growing and WHAM......"I" got sick.
    Eventually I realized the things I learned for raising a special child, and the things I learned for haveing a very ill partner all could be used on myself. "I" am "special", too. I am deserving and I am good, and even if I could not walk or use my hands etc, I still had a purpose. And I could still love and be loved. Some of this I learned working Hospice and ALzheimers, some I learned from my children and my husband.
    When I first was sick, I begged to die. The pain was unbearable, and I could not figure out how to be a useful person......and I had no hhope.
    SLowly, tho- I guess I must have gone thru the stages of grief, just as I had with the diagnosis'es of my daughter, and my husband.and later my son. Eventually I learned to feel welcome in Holland, myabe becuz there was little I could do to change my diagnosis, my dhs diagnosis or either of my childrens diagnosis. Sure I could help them grow and learn but their diagnosis were pretty concrete. These were the cards we were dealt, so, I decided to play those cards finally, instead of wishing for better cards. This is what I had tried to teach my daughter and husband before I got sick, it was something I had to learn to face for myself.

    The cracked pot helped me accept that I DO have a purpose and it is good....and no one persons purpose is more important than anyone elses. Maybe I am no longer helping patients, but, I am still here and I can cheer my kids on, I can offer guidance, support and encouragement, I can still love them and be here for them.

    When both my daughters were little, the easy child would explain to me "mommy, difficult child is just difficult child" easy child did not need a diagnosis to explain her sister was just who she is. easy child meant it to encompass all the good things, and all the quirks and all the not so good things. My son lost his eye, and as it was occuring, I myself put a patch over my eye, to try to understand, to help iidentify problems I could learn. Well, I was not doing very well that way! MY son fared far far far better than I did, navigating, adjusting, performing. SOme docs have explained it to me that it was becuz he was 10 yrs old, and not 45. He accepted it better than I did. At 10 a child still mostly kinda understands they are not the one in control all the time.and he had not lived as long to make the adjustment be as difficult as it would be for an adult. He was more ...resilient. My difficult child does not hate her manifestations of mental illness.she knows no other way to think, behave or feel.
    I DID know different ways for my body to function, and I was ANGRY, and scared, and devastated.
    BUT after watching my children struggle with what Life threw at THEM>...gradually I reached a point where I said well, it is what it is, this is my Life, now. If I keep on spending all my energy fighting it, I will lose my oppportunity to LIVE this life I DO have.
    Don't get me wrong, I do still have many days where I am angry, frustrated, sad......scared, depressed, want to give up- want to break things, whatever. After all I AM human and I DO have a wide range of emotions, LOL.
    Surpriseing to me, my illness helped me with coping and dealing with my DHs illness and my difficult children diagnosis'es and my sons. Our illlnesses are not going to recede or cure.....but it does not mean we are stagnant or stalled or anything.

    I am so happy for you- it took you less time than it did me to come to some acceptance. :) I am jealous. Once I DID reach some acceptance, I was able to settle down some and enjoy things in Life again. Or maybe.I was able to enjoy Life for the first time IN MY LIFE ever? Ironically, things began to then get better in many ways. Not just for me, but for my kids and my husband, too.

    I think I might join the Red Hat Society. :)

    Very gentle hugs to you. I KNOW it could not have been easy to get where you are today.
  9. Hey Linda,

    May I join you on the sunny side of the street?
    Sometimes I forget that it is there, but you have reminded me.
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your post didn't sound like a whine in the least. You have been through so much in the last year or so. It would be very easy to not see any positives (by the way, it is very normal and o.k. that you went through the anger stage and may will probably continue to do so) but you choose to see the positives. It really is a choice, like you say life is life.

    I really needed your post today, I think lately I've been in a rut of not seeing the positives and that isn't like me-thanks for the reminder my friend.
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Linda -

    I want to be you when I grow up.

    I so admire your ability to maintain a positive attitude. I know you have days where it's harder to do that, but you always bounce back to it. :yourock: