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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 699749" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Anonymous Lil- …</p><p></p><p>I have been following many of your posts over the last year. You have been holding on and trying to repeatedly <em>fix and plan and help</em>, while at the same time always hating it and wishing things were different and progressing better, and having hopeful dreams that all would resolve according to your best laid plans and intentions.</p><p></p><p>I know this difficult son situation is hard for you. It is hard for your son also to have you in panic / obsessing mode. Your son is still relatively so young (even though an adult). I believe he is your only child also, is that right? He has been your focus for so long. You have sacrificed much of your life, your time, efforts, thoughts and resources on him. Certainly you, as a very competent, efficient, skilled technical and professional person, have your own standards for the responsibilities in your own personal and professional life. I’m sure in your own “normal” adult circles; you take action to ensure things happen more or less the way you want and plan for them to happen. That’s how most responsible folks function, and it usually works. But you just can’t make it happen for anyone else, no matter how much you want it so badly, and no matter how much and how long you try.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. You do need to stay out of it. in my opinion you need to really try to let go (both for yourself, but especially for your son.) You do need to back off, but … <em>you don’t want to</em> -- (You said “I hate that … I want to know”) Yes, you keep thinking of what YOU want. – I’ve seen over the months of your posts how you want to fix – you want to make better - you want to plan for him, you want your dreams for him to happen the way you would like to see it. You try to make it happen (e.g. the convenient apartment, furnishings and food for prior apartment, the ease in transportation – giving rides /wanting him to be close to transportation now/ wanting him to have a responsible budget / good responsible roommates / comfort food, etc.).</p><p></p><p></p><p>in my opinion, it’s time now for you to slow down your obsession with your son. Time to try something <em>new</em>. I know this is hard –It has been going on so long that it seems an automatic established pattern of panicky / anxious reaction for you to want to fix, to make better, to continue the attachment and enabling / to keep taking him back into your home as a safety net, when he or you thinks he can’t make it or figure it out on his own. -- (Of course he will not figure it out on his own if he is always rescued.)</p><p></p><p>It’s time to Let go of the part of you that wants some control, that wants to know and try to figure things out for him the way you think would be best if you were doing it for you. Now at this time, it appears he wants to try it again on his own. It’s OK. Try to be calm about it. He can sense your uncertainty and fear and hesitancy and critical disapproval.</p><p></p><p>If you can’t change what you see, then change how to see it. Make a forceful effort to relax and freely and gladly give him the gift and freedom to spread his wings. Let him have this opportunity. Advise him that you are going to let go and he is going to have this freedom and release. Advise him that you are confident he can figure out and take care of the needs in his life. Advise him of Social Services options, if he really ends up again unable to care for himself. Tell him you can stay in touch now and then.</p><p></p><p>I think when the kids try and can make it on their own themselves, only then will they become more confident, become their own heroes. They can learn to save themselves and find their own self-respect. In another thread one time [USER=1721]@scent of cedar[/USER] related this image:</p><p style="margin-left: 20px"><span style="font-size: 15px"><em>We need to push them from the nest. Believe they can fly, and push them from the nest. They will flounder. Then they will fly.</em></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px"><span style="font-size: 15px"><em>The kids are scared, too. Like the fledglings are when they leave the nest. But here is the thing. If the mother bird did not push her fledgling to fly, the fledgling's body would grow so heavy, but the muscles in his wings would not have developed. Soon, he will be a flightless bird through no one's fault, really. </em></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px"></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px"><span style="font-size: 15px"><em> But he will be a worthless thing to himself, nonetheless. Birds are meant to fly. How can they respect themselves when the other fledglings fly with strength and grace and beauty and their wings are tiny, useless things?</em></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px"></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px"><em><span style="font-size: 15px"> That is why they come almost to hate us, in their anger and their shame at their tiny, useless wings</span>.</em></p><p></p><p>It helped me to see it this way. I hope I am not sounding too harsh. All of this is stuff I am learning and growing with also. Detachment and stopping the enabling is really loving and courageous - to let them go and also to let the part of us go that wants to keep holding on in fear and love (both for them and for us). I know it is very hard.</p><p></p><p>Take care, dear. Sorry if I just rambled on and on. I’m glad you are still with us, even though anonymous now. You are surely going to be alright and so is your son. <em>Trust the process</em>. Take heart and take care. <em>Breathe</em> ~~ and give thanks. <em>You are going to be alright </em>~ Kalahou</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 699749, member: 19617"] Anonymous Lil- … I have been following many of your posts over the last year. You have been holding on and trying to repeatedly [I]fix and plan and help[/I], while at the same time always hating it and wishing things were different and progressing better, and having hopeful dreams that all would resolve according to your best laid plans and intentions. I know this difficult son situation is hard for you. It is hard for your son also to have you in panic / obsessing mode. Your son is still relatively so young (even though an adult). I believe he is your only child also, is that right? He has been your focus for so long. You have sacrificed much of your life, your time, efforts, thoughts and resources on him. Certainly you, as a very competent, efficient, skilled technical and professional person, have your own standards for the responsibilities in your own personal and professional life. I’m sure in your own “normal” adult circles; you take action to ensure things happen more or less the way you want and plan for them to happen. That’s how most responsible folks function, and it usually works. But you just can’t make it happen for anyone else, no matter how much you want it so badly, and no matter how much and how long you try. Yes. You do need to stay out of it. in my opinion you need to really try to let go (both for yourself, but especially for your son.) You do need to back off, but … [I]you don’t want to[/I] -- (You said “I hate that … I want to know”) Yes, you keep thinking of what YOU want. – I’ve seen over the months of your posts how you want to fix – you want to make better - you want to plan for him, you want your dreams for him to happen the way you would like to see it. You try to make it happen (e.g. the convenient apartment, furnishings and food for prior apartment, the ease in transportation – giving rides /wanting him to be close to transportation now/ wanting him to have a responsible budget / good responsible roommates / comfort food, etc.). in my opinion, it’s time now for you to slow down your obsession with your son. Time to try something [I]new[/I]. I know this is hard –It has been going on so long that it seems an automatic established pattern of panicky / anxious reaction for you to want to fix, to make better, to continue the attachment and enabling / to keep taking him back into your home as a safety net, when he or you thinks he can’t make it or figure it out on his own. -- (Of course he will not figure it out on his own if he is always rescued.) It’s time to Let go of the part of you that wants some control, that wants to know and try to figure things out for him the way you think would be best if you were doing it for you. Now at this time, it appears he wants to try it again on his own. It’s OK. Try to be calm about it. He can sense your uncertainty and fear and hesitancy and critical disapproval. If you can’t change what you see, then change how to see it. Make a forceful effort to relax and freely and gladly give him the gift and freedom to spread his wings. Let him have this opportunity. Advise him that you are going to let go and he is going to have this freedom and release. Advise him that you are confident he can figure out and take care of the needs in his life. Advise him of Social Services options, if he really ends up again unable to care for himself. Tell him you can stay in touch now and then. I think when the kids try and can make it on their own themselves, only then will they become more confident, become their own heroes. They can learn to save themselves and find their own self-respect. In another thread one time [USER=1721]@scent of cedar[/USER] related this image: [INDENT][SIZE=4][I]We need to push them from the nest. Believe they can fly, and push them from the nest. They will flounder. Then they will fly.[/I] [I]The kids are scared, too. Like the fledglings are when they leave the nest. But here is the thing. If the mother bird did not push her fledgling to fly, the fledgling's body would grow so heavy, but the muscles in his wings would not have developed. Soon, he will be a flightless bird through no one's fault, really. [/I][/SIZE] [SIZE=4][I] But he will be a worthless thing to himself, nonetheless. Birds are meant to fly. How can they respect themselves when the other fledglings fly with strength and grace and beauty and their wings are tiny, useless things?[/I][/SIZE] [I][SIZE=4] That is why they come almost to hate us, in their anger and their shame at their tiny, useless wings[/SIZE].[/I][/INDENT] It helped me to see it this way. I hope I am not sounding too harsh. All of this is stuff I am learning and growing with also. Detachment and stopping the enabling is really loving and courageous - to let them go and also to let the part of us go that wants to keep holding on in fear and love (both for them and for us). I know it is very hard. Take care, dear. Sorry if I just rambled on and on. I’m glad you are still with us, even though anonymous now. You are surely going to be alright and so is your son. [I]Trust the process[/I]. Take heart and take care. [I]Breathe[/I] ~~ and give thanks. [I]You are going to be alright [/I]~ Kalahou [/QUOTE]
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