DFS JO meeting today (long post, sorry)

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Tymica, Jan 27, 2014.

  1. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    Well I showed up at the meeting today, without much moral support. As luck would have it, my husband was diagnosed with strep and a double ear infection today so he didn't come with me. My in-laws who difficult child stayed with this weekend were there. When I showed up, difficult child was already there and would not look at me. I was sure this was because he was still blaming me and his dad for the situation, not ready to accept any help or responsibility, etc...First DFS said their part which is basically if difficult child gets out of control or breaks any of our rules we are not to fight with him, argue with him, etc.. We are to call the police and have him removed. If we don't do that we can have an open DFS case (which I cannot afford since I work at an elementary school currently, and have been working my rear off for many years to get my teaching degree and I will graduate in December). DFS is requiring family counseling. Then JO went. JO is requiring an outpatient treatment program that he will start next week. He will go 2 nights a week. Additionally, he will be under JO supervision, not probation or anything like that since he didn't technically break any laws. Here is the surprising part, when we were discussing rehab, difficult child asked if he could go to inpatient. Then he said "I know this is all me. Everything that is happening is because of me. I need help". After we discussed it more, we decided outpatient is a better fit for him. Anyway, then after the meeting I was ready for a night of pure tension waiting for him to open up to me or at least apologize. As we were leaving, we were the only 2 left in the office and he just said "Sorry", then he reached out for a hug. I hugged him and he fell completely apart in my arms. I have never seen him so torn apart in his life. He came home and did the same thing with his dad. I hope this means he is ready to move on from this. He came completely clean about ALL of his drug use, and it was much worse than we ever could have imagined. But he said "I want to tell you about this so you know how bad it is. I want to be honest about this from here on out." He told us that (as a fellow poster here mentioned) this started with the pills from his knee surgery. Then the pills weren't enough, so he was crushing them and snorting them. Soon enough that wasn't enough and, well, like I said, it was much worse than we ever imagined. This weekend has been terrible. I was not excited about having DFS or JO involved. I am afraid I will never have the great relationship back with my son that I had 6 months ago. But if it took all of this to get him clean and on track, I'll take it in stride.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Believe it or not, this is a very good sign. And it is true that usually we have no idea how deep their drug involvement is. But that he told you is a sign that he really does want to quit and he wants your support...therefore, he needs you to know how bad it has gotten.

    i have high hopes for your child. Why did you refuse inpatient? I'm thinking that it is better if he is sealed off from his druggie friends. My daughter has told me (and it chills me to this day) that every time she tried to quit, her drug using buddies would not only taunt her, but threaten her. By the time she moved out of state, she had a few druggies who she claimed wanted to kill her.

    i wish she had confided in me sooner. I would have sent her to live with her father in another state. And, truly, as soon as she was out of her drug 'friends" territory, she did quit!

    Crossing fingers, toes and eyes for your precious child. Luckily, he is still young! Yes, it matters!
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Tymica, it is obvious that you and your husband have done a great job as nurturing parents. Congratulations on raising a son who trusts and loves you both. Yes, most of us fully understand the pain of having substances appear to ruin our families but it sounds so encouraging that he has shared his heart AND, very importantly, has agreed to seek the help offered. I'll cross my fingers and say a prayer that he is able to travel the right path. It sounds like every member of your family has been offered help right away. You're lucky to have such professional help available. Hugs DDD
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    PS: If he asked about inpatient that means he is worried about being around his peer group. I'd suggest that you all talk with him about ways he might be able to change the pattern of friendships that he has established. He'll likely need support in that area. DDD
  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Holding good thoughts for you. I am so glad he is showing remorse and emotion. That is such a good sign. In light of his revelations of serious drug use - I too would reconsider inpatient care.

    Take care of yourself.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can't tell you what to do, but I can with 100% confidence say I would take what DDD just said as the best advice you will ever get. He wanted inpatient for a reason.

    sent from mobile phone
  7. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    I asked about his reasons for requesting inpatient and he said basically that felt like he had been enough of a burden on us and he didnt think we would want him in the house anymore. Ultimately, we decided against inpatient because of school. His grades (with the exception of last semester) are overall good and should he decide to go to college we didnt want the change in school to show up on his transcripts.
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tymica, my difficult child's grades were always good, too. Her teachers in high school never dreamed she was doing drugs. I know that because she went to the high school that I teach at and I know her teachers. They were shocked when I told them years later what we had been through with her in high school.

    As a teacher, I was fixated on making sure that she finished high school with good grades and got into college. She even participated in a duel enrollment program where went to a local community college her senior year and graduated from high school with an entire year of college credits. I somehow thought that she would suddenly grow up and leave all of the problems with drug and alcohol behind her. So I totally understand how you feel about the impact of all of this on his education.

    However, the problems only got worse as she got older. She started and stopped college several times dropping out due to substance abuse. Eventually, she moved onto more and more serious drugs until she overdosed a year ago on heroin. My husband found her in the nick of time and did chest compressions which kept her alive until the EMT's got there and administered Narcan.

    I wish now that I had realized how serious the problem was in high school and sent her away from her drug using friends. In the big scheme of things, good grades in high school don't mean much if you overdose ten years later.

    I would have given anything if my difficult child had asked for inpatient treatment. I think your difficult child knows that he needs more intensive help that he will get in the outpatient program.

    Just some things to think about.

  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    You can only make the best decisions you can with the information you have. Monitor carefully and if outpatient doesn't seem to be working change to inpatient. Education has always been #1 with me. Both of my sons were talked to all of their lives about college. One now has a master's degree and my difficult child had almost an associate's degree even with all of the bad things that have happened over the past four years. I have had to let go of my fierce focus on his education and realize what is. Education can come later if he can live. Things start to get pretty simple at times. I wish your son much success and it sounds like there is hope.