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Diagnosis = Heartbreak
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 641151" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Cinder. I too am sorry you find yourself in the situation with your son. You are not alone. Your story is very much like many of ours.</p><p></p><p>First of all, you may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It is helpful.</p><p></p><p>At 29 your son is a MAN. He doesn't need his Mommy anymore, that ship sailed over a decade ago........, its' time for him to 'man up.' Whether he has a conduct disorder, mental illness or a bad personality, he is cognizant of right and wrong, he is not psychotic, so therefore HE is responsible for his choices and his lifestyle, NOT YOU. The longer you take responsibility for him, the longer you will have that responsibility. You are the one with the power here, not him. He has been using manipulation and abuse on you because your guilt and fear for him allows him to hold you hostage. Don't allow it. He is in a shelter all of his own accord. You already did everything you could for him. Enough is enough.</p><p></p><p>I did all the same things you did. My own daughter is about to be 42 tomorrow and she is homeless and has a warrant out for her arrest. Three years ago she treated me the way your son treats you and I was throwing money and time and energy and everything I had to her and all she did was treat me badly and demand more. I made the choice to change. I got a lot of professional help, therapists, parent groups, this forum, 12 step groups, I was determined to stop my own suffering over anything I had no control over. My daughter hasn't changed much, but I have made a complete 360 degree turn. I no longer suffer over her choices. I set very, very strict boundaries around her behavior. I stopped giving her anything. I did not respond immediately to her requests, demands or communications, I refrained, I let go and she found other sources to meet her needs. She also began treating me A LOT better, even to the point of being grateful and appreciative if I drive her anywhere, which is actually rare. We have slowly developed a very different connection, one which works much, much better for me.</p><p></p><p>My daughter also has some kind of mental illness, or conduct disorder, or "something" and like you because she is not "normal" or like everyone else, I felt compelled to continue helping her and worrying about her and enabling her. But, with a lot of support I learned to stop feeling that, to let her find her own way, to let go of my sense of responsibility and my fear and my worry. Amazingly, it worked. </p><p></p><p>You can pull yourself out of where you presently are with your son. But you will likely need help to do it, it's like trying to stop a runaway train.....we are hardwired to love and protect our kids, it feels very strange to stop that particularly when they appear to always be at risk. It is helpful to remember they put themselves at risk by their choices and there isn't any thing you can do about that if they refuse the help they need.</p><p></p><p>Being where you are hurts. There is a lot of pain. The truth is at this point, your son is not likely to be changing any time soon. He has developed a pattern with you. A script. He supplies the need. You supply the fix it. Once you stop that, the script will change. He will act badly and blame you, that seems to be what happens, but that is only because they have learned how to manipulate us, and it's worked to get their needs met. Once you stop supplying the fix it,and he becomes clear that you mean business this time, he will direct his sights elsewhere. And, likely cause you some grief along the way. They can be pretty ugly.</p><p></p><p>Turn your focus away from your son and place it on YOU. Find support for yourself. Find things to bring you joy. Remember what life was like before life became about filling up an empty vessel each and every day. Focus on what YOU WANT, what you need and where you want to be going now. Your kids are grown. It's your time now. Take it.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. It helps. I'm glad you're here. As you can see, you're not alone. We're all right here with you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 641151, member: 13542"] Welcome Cinder. I too am sorry you find yourself in the situation with your son. You are not alone. Your story is very much like many of ours. First of all, you may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It is helpful. At 29 your son is a MAN. He doesn't need his Mommy anymore, that ship sailed over a decade ago........, its' time for him to 'man up.' Whether he has a conduct disorder, mental illness or a bad personality, he is cognizant of right and wrong, he is not psychotic, so therefore HE is responsible for his choices and his lifestyle, NOT YOU. The longer you take responsibility for him, the longer you will have that responsibility. You are the one with the power here, not him. He has been using manipulation and abuse on you because your guilt and fear for him allows him to hold you hostage. Don't allow it. He is in a shelter all of his own accord. You already did everything you could for him. Enough is enough. I did all the same things you did. My own daughter is about to be 42 tomorrow and she is homeless and has a warrant out for her arrest. Three years ago she treated me the way your son treats you and I was throwing money and time and energy and everything I had to her and all she did was treat me badly and demand more. I made the choice to change. I got a lot of professional help, therapists, parent groups, this forum, 12 step groups, I was determined to stop my own suffering over anything I had no control over. My daughter hasn't changed much, but I have made a complete 360 degree turn. I no longer suffer over her choices. I set very, very strict boundaries around her behavior. I stopped giving her anything. I did not respond immediately to her requests, demands or communications, I refrained, I let go and she found other sources to meet her needs. She also began treating me A LOT better, even to the point of being grateful and appreciative if I drive her anywhere, which is actually rare. We have slowly developed a very different connection, one which works much, much better for me. My daughter also has some kind of mental illness, or conduct disorder, or "something" and like you because she is not "normal" or like everyone else, I felt compelled to continue helping her and worrying about her and enabling her. But, with a lot of support I learned to stop feeling that, to let her find her own way, to let go of my sense of responsibility and my fear and my worry. Amazingly, it worked. You can pull yourself out of where you presently are with your son. But you will likely need help to do it, it's like trying to stop a runaway train.....we are hardwired to love and protect our kids, it feels very strange to stop that particularly when they appear to always be at risk. It is helpful to remember they put themselves at risk by their choices and there isn't any thing you can do about that if they refuse the help they need. Being where you are hurts. There is a lot of pain. The truth is at this point, your son is not likely to be changing any time soon. He has developed a pattern with you. A script. He supplies the need. You supply the fix it. Once you stop that, the script will change. He will act badly and blame you, that seems to be what happens, but that is only because they have learned how to manipulate us, and it's worked to get their needs met. Once you stop supplying the fix it,and he becomes clear that you mean business this time, he will direct his sights elsewhere. And, likely cause you some grief along the way. They can be pretty ugly. Turn your focus away from your son and place it on YOU. Find support for yourself. Find things to bring you joy. Remember what life was like before life became about filling up an empty vessel each and every day. Focus on what YOU WANT, what you need and where you want to be going now. Your kids are grown. It's your time now. Take it. Keep posting. It helps. I'm glad you're here. As you can see, you're not alone. We're all right here with you. [/QUOTE]
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