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Diagnosis = Heartbreak
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 641177" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I think I stayed too involved and, boy, engaged in my son's lawyer-like arguments (he is VERY smart) because I truly believed if I said it enough, he'd get it. Instead, he'd up the abuse, blame me, and I'd get off the phone in tears, feeling useless, unable to parent my younger daughter who still needed me and asked, "Why are you crying, Mommy? Please don't cry." But I wanted to try everything to see if it mattered. The therapy from age eight on up hadn't helped. The hospital hadn't helped, in fact he'd talked me into thinking the hospital was abusive and to get him out...that he was with rapists...and what did I do? I got him out. He was twelve at the time and a budding personality disordered master.</p><p></p><p>I set limits then gave them up when they did nothing and he didn't listen. I let him slap me across the face and didn't call the cops. In fact, I ended up apologizing for making him so angry that he slapped me. Yep. I did. Yet as he progressed in his teen years, a pain in the pit of my soul told me that this is who he is. He lies. He steals. He is abusive with his arguments. He is even scaring his sister. He is not normal. I was devastated and had trouble not saying to myself, "But he's young."</p><p></p><p>By the time he was in his mid-twenties and married he barely called me, which was a relief, I hate to admit. I called him a easy child because he never called me at all so he didn't bother me. But, whoa, as soon as his wife ran off...well, there he was, badder than ever. I understood his anguish, but his wife's running off was not my fault. It's like he took it out on me and we had two or three long years of hell in which I got blasted every time we spoke so I had to set boundaries or go crazy. The boundaires were phone boundaries...he could only talk to me if he was respectful, in MY definition of the world. It worked, as he needs a mommy badly, BUT he had already ruined it with his siblings. Sonic and Jumper heard him screaming and cussing over the cell phone..he was so loud. Jumper, in particular, has no idea why I still talk to him. His sister Julie was subjected to some serious abuse from him in high school . I can't even go into it. But she is done with him and her SO loathes him and they are very close.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Let's just say, I'm glad he is in another state now. He does seem to have mellowed as far as illegal stuff goes because he does love his son and will not do anything to jeopardize half custody of his child. He also adhers to my strict phone rules. But he has destroyed any chance of having relationships with his siblings and my husband isn't his biggest fan either. He is still capable of bad stuff...I saw him throw his cat across the room once maybe ten years ago and I never forgot it.</p><p></p><p>On and on and on it goes.</p><p></p><p>I had to move on and let him be who he is. I still love him with all my heart. I am supposed to visit him in order to see my grandson in January for the first time in four years. He wants me to stay at his house, but I said, no thanks, I'll stay at a hotel. The temptation of seeing my grandson...finally....is too much for me not to take a chance. Although he has been violent in the past, he hasn't been in years. If he so much as says a violent word, I'm home on the first plane, but I want to hug my dear little grandson who, in spite of having two difficult child parents, is a very, very sweet, smart boy who gets great conduct marks at school.</p><p></p><p>We'll see how it goes.</p><p></p><p>Sorry to hijack this thread and to get off track. It is just so...emotional. It is such a hard topic. And I haven't shared half of what I suspect 37 has done. Some things are too awful to share and I can't prove them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 641177, member: 1550"] I think I stayed too involved and, boy, engaged in my son's lawyer-like arguments (he is VERY smart) because I truly believed if I said it enough, he'd get it. Instead, he'd up the abuse, blame me, and I'd get off the phone in tears, feeling useless, unable to parent my younger daughter who still needed me and asked, "Why are you crying, Mommy? Please don't cry." But I wanted to try everything to see if it mattered. The therapy from age eight on up hadn't helped. The hospital hadn't helped, in fact he'd talked me into thinking the hospital was abusive and to get him out...that he was with rapists...and what did I do? I got him out. He was twelve at the time and a budding personality disordered master. I set limits then gave them up when they did nothing and he didn't listen. I let him slap me across the face and didn't call the cops. In fact, I ended up apologizing for making him so angry that he slapped me. Yep. I did. Yet as he progressed in his teen years, a pain in the pit of my soul told me that this is who he is. He lies. He steals. He is abusive with his arguments. He is even scaring his sister. He is not normal. I was devastated and had trouble not saying to myself, "But he's young." By the time he was in his mid-twenties and married he barely called me, which was a relief, I hate to admit. I called him a easy child because he never called me at all so he didn't bother me. But, whoa, as soon as his wife ran off...well, there he was, badder than ever. I understood his anguish, but his wife's running off was not my fault. It's like he took it out on me and we had two or three long years of hell in which I got blasted every time we spoke so I had to set boundaries or go crazy. The boundaires were phone boundaries...he could only talk to me if he was respectful, in MY definition of the world. It worked, as he needs a mommy badly, BUT he had already ruined it with his siblings. Sonic and Jumper heard him screaming and cussing over the cell phone..he was so loud. Jumper, in particular, has no idea why I still talk to him. His sister Julie was subjected to some serious abuse from him in high school . I can't even go into it. But she is done with him and her SO loathes him and they are very close. Let's just say, I'm glad he is in another state now. He does seem to have mellowed as far as illegal stuff goes because he does love his son and will not do anything to jeopardize half custody of his child. He also adhers to my strict phone rules. But he has destroyed any chance of having relationships with his siblings and my husband isn't his biggest fan either. He is still capable of bad stuff...I saw him throw his cat across the room once maybe ten years ago and I never forgot it. On and on and on it goes. I had to move on and let him be who he is. I still love him with all my heart. I am supposed to visit him in order to see my grandson in January for the first time in four years. He wants me to stay at his house, but I said, no thanks, I'll stay at a hotel. The temptation of seeing my grandson...finally....is too much for me not to take a chance. Although he has been violent in the past, he hasn't been in years. If he so much as says a violent word, I'm home on the first plane, but I want to hug my dear little grandson who, in spite of having two difficult child parents, is a very, very sweet, smart boy who gets great conduct marks at school. We'll see how it goes. Sorry to hijack this thread and to get off track. It is just so...emotional. It is such a hard topic. And I haven't shared half of what I suspect 37 has done. Some things are too awful to share and I can't prove them. [/QUOTE]
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