BBK, I wonder if this quote will help any?
It helped me accept myself, regrets and all. There is something in the wording of it that helped me see myself sincerely, and extend to myself the same compassion I unthinkingly extend to others.
Well, there are two quotes, actually. The first one is from a John Lennon song. I don't remember how it goes exactly, but the song was about the love you make being equal to the love you take.
Sometimes, for those of us who have so many regrets, it is important to extend to ourselves the grace of taking, first. We need to bend a little, expand a little, acknowledge that so many of the things that happen to us, both good and bad, seem to have no rhyme or reason, could never have been anticipated or prepared for, and can only be accepted, celebrated, or learned from.
But then, we have to let them go.
We need to take the good things truly to our hearts, and name ourselves worthy of having had them before we finally have been nourished enough to extend that same grace of forgiveness to others.
We all are walking the paths we need to walk to learn what we need to learn, I think. While a healthy sense of conscience helps us learn a different way of being in the world, we need to remember that we, every single one of us, chose the best paths and made the best decisions we knew how to make, at the time we made them.
Given the same set of circumstances, the same preparation or lack thereof, we would probably make the same choices, again.
So in a way, guilt differs from regret in that when we feel guilty, we have become hard-hearted, holding ourselves above everyone else and condemning ourselves for not having known things there was simply no way for us to know.
Or we would have made a different choice.
Anyway BBK, here is the quote your posting brought to mind.
I hope you find comfort in it, as I did.
It was a beginning to my healing, I think.
"And you must give your sorrow all the space and shelter its gentle origins demands."
The regret we all feel, the guilt that eats us alive sometimes ~ these feelings come from our highest, best selves. If we try to push the feelings away, if we do not feel we should have made a mistake, if we refuse to acknowledge the nobility at the heart of our feelings of sorrow, we can never heal.
It is such a sadness for you that you chose, at the time it was your choice to make, not to mother your daughter.
Cherish the part of you that regrets that choice, now.
That is who you really are.
You will have to take love first, to heal that part of you I think, BBK.
We are meant to be happy.
We are meant to warm our hearts with every little instance of joy that passes our way.
Too harsh a self-assessment, refusing to give our sorrow "the space and shelter its gentle origins demands", makes it impossible for us to forgive our wrong choices.
And the way I look at it, when that happens whatever nasty, senseless thing it was that created the situation in the first place...wins.
I am sorry for your pain, BBK.
The book the quote was taken from is: The Diaries of Etty Hilesum. Etty died in a concentration camp. Her diaries were found afterword. They chronicle the spiritual journey of a frivolous, self-centered young woman as she confronts the horror of her own dehumanization and learns forgiveness.
And she learns to forgive herself, first.
It's a wonderful book.
I always think too, that the way I deal with my regrets teaches my children (whether they know it or not) how to be in the world.
Sometimes, thinking like that was enough to get me over that tendency to self-condemnation I carry around like a second skin.
You are so bright and funny, BBK.
I'm sure your daughters will have story after story to tell about their courageous, risk-taking mother ~ and that they will take much of their own courage from your journey.
It's hard to see ourselves in a positive light, though.
Barbara
