Did anyone see Oprah today?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Scent of Cedar II, Dec 5, 2007.

  1. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    The question was what we would say, or who we would spend just one more day with. As I thought about that, I wondered what it is that prevents us from being present enough in the moments of our lives that we do not accumulate these kinds of regrets ~things we wish we had said, times we wish we could relive.

    What does anyone else think about this ~ about how we can remain present in the moment and able to enjoy the instant we are in to the fullest?

    Is it ego that prevents this, or fear of rejection?

    Or what, do you suppose?

  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    There are two I would give anything to spend just one more day with, my grandkids Kayla and Alex. I would tell them how much I and their family love them, how dearly they are missed, how they are always in our thoughts and our hearts.

    Barb, for me it was stupidity. I failed to see the situation being as bad as it was. I know I'm only human. But I will forever feel that I failed to protect Kayla and Alex.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Barbara, my father was killed by a drunk driver. My mother died 3 days before I was due to arrive for a visit. Both deaths were unexpected. I have no unfinished business with either of them but I have grieved the fact that I never had the chance to say good-bye to either. They knew I loved them, still...it's for me more than for them.

    I have an old boyfriend who died I would like to talk to as well. Long story that I don't intend to go into on the board but suffice it to say, I hurt him. Badly. :bag: I apologized then but I would love the chance to discuss it now with many years' distance and perspective.

    These experiences have taught me a lot about love, regret, and sharing feelings before it's too late.

    by the way, I have the book on my bedside table. I haven't read it yet. Even the title makes me weep.

  4. Penta

    Penta New Member

    I have learned from many sudden tragedies in my life to be very aware of the world around me each and every day, to be present when I am with my family, and enjoy my friends, my work and every aspect of my life.

    Take nothing for granted. It could all change in an instance.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I'd like to have one more day of being young with both parents -

    If I could take one day back? It would be the day I met my x.
  6. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Penta</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    Take nothing for granted. It could all change in an instance.


    I loved it that the author would have had both grandmothers back cooking together while the family waited (together) for the food to be done.

    So many of the times I would relive have to do with lots of family around ~ whoever was cooking.

    There are so many things I would do differently ~ but I keep thinking about that old Maya Angelou quote. Something about how, when we knew better, we did better.

    So chances are, if I were young, I would do all the same things I did the first time again.

    I found myself thinking too, last night, about the author's saying that if he had only an hour to live, there would be things he definitely would NOT think about.

    Asking myself that question put all the things I worry about every day into a different perspective.

    Man, we worry and worry about the strangest, most inconsequential things!

    Or at least, I do. :smile:

    Lisa...I am almost afraid to ask, but are you willing to share what happened?

    I had better mail that package I have for my grandchildren, today.

    Thanks for your replies, everyone.

  7. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    This post has really made me think... At least, for me, part of the reason I don't always live in the moment is definitely fear of rejection, fear of exposing too much of myself. I used to think I was an extremely open person, but now, I know I have a hard time letting others see the "real me."

    I think it is for this reason, that I ended the relationship with the one person who I think was my true soul-mate so many years ago. Our relationship was so intense, we understood each other so well, that I think it frightened me. I have NEVER felt like that in any other relationship I've ever been in. Interestingly enough, I remember reading once, a long time ago, that for this very reason, many people don't end up marrying or living forever with their true soul-mates.

    However, I also lost another SO many years ago - He died. I know it wasn't my fault, but I always felt like maybe, somehow, I could have prevented it, even though I know this is absolutely ridiculous!!! It would be hard for me to decide who to spend one more day with... I guess I would choose my ex-SO who died. I never got to tell him so many things... I've always felt badly about this. My ex-true soul-mate(?)is alive and well, and through the grapevine, I've heard happy. This is good enough for me.

    All of this has made me think that I need to do some serious talking with my husband. Life is too short. I think I take too many things for granted. I think, I need to open up more. I don't want to have regrets haunt me all the way to the grave...

    And, you're definitely right - We worry about things that are so unimportant!!! Once, years ago, when our house was being built and wasn't ready, we had to rent one. The elderly man who rented his house to us had many, many breakable and valuable items in it. I asked him if I could pack and move all of the valuable things into a storage area he had in his finished basement. He said that it didn't matter if any of his things were broken by my children who were young at the time. He just wanted us to feel at home. He even made a batch of cookies for my kids.

    To make a long story short, his wife had died a few years back. He now lived in Florida most of the time and had no use for his house. The only thing he really cared about were his pictures. This man definitely made me think...

    Thanks, Barbara. I think you have given me a wonderful holiday gift by posting this. I know I'll be doing lots more thinking about this post. WFEN
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Well, reading this post caused tears to immediately sting my eyes, although I cannot pinpoint exactly why. Probably a combination of things.

    Guilt that I was nothing of a mother to Copper.

    Knowing that while DEX is the bane of my existence, without him there would be no Tink. And while Tink is the most difficult child I have ever encountered, and bad as it sounds, if I had to do it over again, I probably would not have brought her into this world, she is the absolute light of my life and the reason I breathe.

    Ah. More guilt. Guilt about Copper. I never felt that way about her.

    Oh, wait! Even more guilt. DEX is the biggest moron ever to walk God's green earth, and yet I still grieve him. I grieve the loss of my marriage to him as though it were a death. And yet I have to see him all the time.

    Copper has little to do with me. When we see eachother, it is very surface. Meh.

    Oh, what I could have done different. I live my life swimming in a sea of guilt.

    'Tis a salty one.
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Lisa, I wish you could see Alex and Kayla too. I think of them often when I read your posts. :9-07tears:

    BBK, I would think that if you told Copper what you wrote here, that it would go a long way to helping her even if she doesn't want to hear it.

    I can't think of anything I would do if I had an hour other than what I do now. Spend time with husband and my boys and my 3 siblings and show them I love them by what I do for and with them.

  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I really had to think this one over and H and I even discussed it last night.

    H said he would love to have one more day with his brother who died when H was 16, his brother was 14. They were best buddies and his brother died during a skateboarding accident - H never got to say goodbye and it was very hard for him. In this case it was just bad timing.

    He also said if he could go back and change anything, he would have spent more time with his grandfather before he passed away. He always loved his grandfather but at that time in his life, H was young and wanted to be with his friends so he never made time for the old guy. He regrets that. In fact, he's always telling our girls to go visit my mom when she's around because of that.

    For me, I really do not feel the need to spend one more day with anyone I know and loved who's passed on except to simply be with them. I miss my dad a lot at times, but I don't feel I have any unfinished business with him, he died of cancer and we said our piece. And I miss my gramma a lot also, but again, I think I'd just want to spend a few moments with her to hear her laugh or tell me the stories of all the saints. And my aunt Helene was always everyone's favorite aunt and I'd love to listen to her amazing laugh as well.

    I suppose the only regrets I have is that I didn't spend as much time with these loved ones as I could have - seemed I was too busy or it simply wasn't important enough. I was young and selfish to a degree. When my dad & gramma passed away I was in a troubled marriage and felt very pinned down and stretched thin, so I really don't feel that I was capable of anything more at that time.

    Ironically, this thread made me think of the relationship I have with my loco sister, the one where my mom is at right now. We tip toe around one another and hardly even speak anymore. I can honestly say that I gave up trying to make it work between us, but inevitably we have to be in each other's company at times, so we make do. I am afraid that one or both of us will have regrets about how we treated one another one day and that makes me a little sad. I have decided to give it another try and see if we can't mend the fence.

    I have really enjoyed reading through this thread.
  11. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    BBK, I wonder if this quote will help any?

    It helped me accept myself, regrets and all. There is something in the wording of it that helped me see myself sincerely, and extend to myself the same compassion I unthinkingly extend to others.

    Well, there are two quotes, actually. The first one is from a John Lennon song. I don't remember how it goes exactly, but the song was about the love you make being equal to the love you take.

    Sometimes, for those of us who have so many regrets, it is important to extend to ourselves the grace of taking, first. We need to bend a little, expand a little, acknowledge that so many of the things that happen to us, both good and bad, seem to have no rhyme or reason, could never have been anticipated or prepared for, and can only be accepted, celebrated, or learned from.

    But then, we have to let them go.

    We need to take the good things truly to our hearts, and name ourselves worthy of having had them before we finally have been nourished enough to extend that same grace of forgiveness to others.

    We all are walking the paths we need to walk to learn what we need to learn, I think. While a healthy sense of conscience helps us learn a different way of being in the world, we need to remember that we, every single one of us, chose the best paths and made the best decisions we knew how to make, at the time we made them.

    Given the same set of circumstances, the same preparation or lack thereof, we would probably make the same choices, again.

    So in a way, guilt differs from regret in that when we feel guilty, we have become hard-hearted, holding ourselves above everyone else and condemning ourselves for not having known things there was simply no way for us to know.

    Or we would have made a different choice.

    Anyway BBK, here is the quote your posting brought to mind.

    I hope you find comfort in it, as I did.

    It was a beginning to my healing, I think.

    "And you must give your sorrow all the space and shelter its gentle origins demands."

    The regret we all feel, the guilt that eats us alive sometimes ~ these feelings come from our highest, best selves. If we try to push the feelings away, if we do not feel we should have made a mistake, if we refuse to acknowledge the nobility at the heart of our feelings of sorrow, we can never heal.

    It is such a sadness for you that you chose, at the time it was your choice to make, not to mother your daughter.

    Cherish the part of you that regrets that choice, now.

    That is who you really are.

    You will have to take love first, to heal that part of you I think, BBK.

    We are meant to be happy.

    We are meant to warm our hearts with every little instance of joy that passes our way.

    Too harsh a self-assessment, refusing to give our sorrow "the space and shelter its gentle origins demands", makes it impossible for us to forgive our wrong choices.

    And the way I look at it, when that happens whatever nasty, senseless thing it was that created the situation in the first place...wins.

    I am sorry for your pain, BBK.

    The book the quote was taken from is: The Diaries of Etty Hilesum. Etty died in a concentration camp. Her diaries were found afterword. They chronicle the spiritual journey of a frivolous, self-centered young woman as she confronts the horror of her own dehumanization and learns forgiveness.

    And she learns to forgive herself, first.

    It's a wonderful book.

    I always think too, that the way I deal with my regrets teaches my children (whether they know it or not) how to be in the world.

    Sometimes, thinking like that was enough to get me over that tendency to self-condemnation I carry around like a second skin.

    You are so bright and funny, BBK.

    I'm sure your daughters will have story after story to tell about their courageous, risk-taking mother ~ and that they will take much of their own courage from your journey.

    It's hard to see ourselves in a positive light, though.

  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I can't think of anyone I really left anything unsaid with, but I would like more time with my mom if I could have it.

    My biggest regret is that I didn't have the courage to be honest about how unhappy I was in my marriage for so many years and end it in a much different way then it did. He did so many things to make me unhappy and push me away, but since I'm always so worried about everyone elses feelings over my own, I spent many years pretending to be happy and now realize he did me a favor by having an affair, because I would still be there today pretending. I regret not taking the chance to start my life over at a much earlier age.
  13. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: JoG</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    I was in a troubled marriage and felt very pinned down and stretched thin, so I really don't feel that I was capable of anything more at that time.

    Ironically, this thread made me think of the relationship I have with my loco sister

    I am afraid that one or both of us will have regrets about how we treated one another one day and that makes me a little sad. I have decided to give it another try and see if we can't mend the fence.


    That IS just how it is, isn't it!

    Life just has at us and we never consider how we might cherish the moment we are in.

    Or, did you ever have one of those memories that come back every so often, exactly the same, that make you so happy ~ but at the time it was happening, it seemed like you were engaged in the most ordinary of events?

    Sometimes, I can drive myself crazy wondering which of my present moments is going to be one of those memories that I will cherish in years to come.

    Then, I try to remember everything about it?

    And destroy the present moment (and any potential lifelong memories attending it) altogether!



    I suppose we just have to be as present as we can whenever we remember to do that.

    I had a friend who kept a rubber band on her wrist so that each time she picked up the phone she would see it and remember to remain present to herself, whoever was on the phone.

    My father is very frail, right now. I so admire his courage in facing up to the frailties upon frailties that come with age. I was thinking of him this morning, sort of admiring him from afar. It occurred to me that I should call and tell him that.

    That I admire him, and am proud he is my father.

    But I didn't do it.

    It seemed too hokey.

    So, maybe that is how these little regrets occur.

    That would be an ego thing (on my part ~ don't want to look like a dork).

    So, maybe I will call and tell him that.

    He is far away from me right now, and I wonder whether I will see him again.

    I will post about it, if I do call.

  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I can't put into words how touched I am that you took the time to post ALL that to me.

    Seriously. I can't come up with a proper thank you. I am sitting here bawling and I have no idea what to say.

    I am REALLY going through something...
  15. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I would love to spend a day with my father. He died in my teens. I want him to meet his granddaughter, tell me if he thinks I did good, talk to him as adult. Most of all, I would like to thank him for the values he taught me.

    The regrets I have I can't discuss. Fortunately, there aren't many but some do bring tears to my eyes -- things I've said that have hurt others, things I've done out of selfishness or some egotistical need for revenge. I guess a regret that I can discuss is the regret that I think I was too hard on my daughter when she was young. I would love to go back and parent all over again. There would be many less consequences and much more fun.