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Did I do the right thing going no contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 743414" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I have been in therapy for a mood disorder since 23 but the mood disorder was controlled by an antidepressant. I talked more about family and about my place in ours. </p><p></p><p>Lots of my years of therapy and variety of professionals, from psychiatrists of very high caliber to plain therapists, all told me about the roles that extremely dysfunctional parents, and we had two, place on their kids. It has to do with themselves, not the children because children are little people who need direction. They are not responsible for sick adults giving them.roles.</p><p></p><p>My mother had been the least favored child of the grandmother who favored me! Her son was her golden child. I dont think my mother liked how close me and my grandmother were. Plus I looked just like her as a child (and I strongly feel shesdidnt like herself) and also</p><p>I had a childhood mood and anxiety disorder so I had rages. Not daily but I had them. To my mother this meant I was a bad girl.</p><p></p><p> I asked for help often as a severely depressed teen but she wouldnt take me to a psychiatrist because one of her friends had taken HER daughter to one and the psychiatrist had blamed the mother. "i am not going to pay money for some doctor to blame me." This is not verbatim but it is the gist of what she told me. So I was not taken for help. </p><p></p><p>Also I called my mother out on her stuff. She didnt like that I had early insight into what she did and how it was wrong. We are talking before age 13. I already knew. And I challenged her. If she called me a name I said "Thats not true!"</p><p></p><p>My sister was a child who hid her pain and was quiet so she was ignored. I am ashamed to say I teased her as s child and she was much younger than me. My mother, the only parent ever home, never did one thing to try to stop me. My sister didn't matter. And I was an angry pain in her butt. And it was hard to discipline me. </p><p></p><p>And Mother was the laziest parent on the planet. So she didnt do anything or even try. I dont believe any of us ever received a lick of discipline and our chaotic house had no structure, no teaching of manners or social rules, nothing. The house itself was a mess ,(she didnt clean or cook much) and we did whatever we wanted to do. She was lucky we werent destructive.</p><p></p><p>My brother had a severe stomach illness and was extremely passive as a person. He treated my mother like the prima donna she needed to be treated as. He was doted on and loved on. Part of it was his illness, which I understand, but most of it was favortism and nothing else. His mother was about his only friend as a child except for me and he adored her all his life, never finding a woman peer to have a relationship with. Now he DOES have a nasty stomach disorder which could make him loathe to find a partner .But people who have his illness do marry and have families. He just did not. No partner ever lived with him. He has always lived alone. </p><p></p><p>We had no strong second parent to blunt the affects of my mother. My father did not even see what she was doing. Although he was also a scapegoat. He was very self centered and didnt really care about family dynamics. He didnt understand a normal loving family either. He was not affectioonate or ever proud of us. When home he watched TV a lot. Period.</p><p></p><p>My dad was no prince but to me my mother was scarier and meaner than him and she used to bait him (much like my sister baits her abuser) and he would go nuts. WTH, Mother. She didnt have to rev him up but that was her. She wasnt thinking about her three kids scared and huddling on the staircase. Obviously Dad couldnt control his temper either. So they went at it without caring if we were afraid. They eventually divorced and my mother blamed it all on him. I am pretty sure my sibs bought that story.</p><p></p><p> But from my place as oldest in the family I saw her belittling him and trashing him like she trashed me and I always had a different more balanced perspective. My mom was NOT scared of him. She used to bait him and get in his face and call him horrible names. Not that he was blameless. He most certainly was part of two not nice people in a marriage.</p><p> </p><p>My mother definitely paved the way for our problems both with one another and with intimacy. My dad just wasnt around enough to make the same impact. And Mother wore the combat boots in the family. </p><p></p><p>I was smart enough to make sure I did Mothering opposite of my own mother. She was a great role model on how not to treat your kids.</p><p></p><p>Of course, she was sick but being sick doesnt have to mean vile. She could have gotten help too but, of course, to her there was nothing wrong with her. That was part of her illness.</p><p></p><p>Glad I never bought what she was selling. I really had no feelings for her by the time she died. I had mourned her way before that time. And she disinherited me as her last kiss off from the grave. I didnt care about any small change she had...it was the rejection that hurt. Yet it wasnt unexpected. The verification that my mother hadnt loved me did sting.</p><p></p><p>But I recovered and things are really good now!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 743414, member: 1550"] I have been in therapy for a mood disorder since 23 but the mood disorder was controlled by an antidepressant. I talked more about family and about my place in ours. Lots of my years of therapy and variety of professionals, from psychiatrists of very high caliber to plain therapists, all told me about the roles that extremely dysfunctional parents, and we had two, place on their kids. It has to do with themselves, not the children because children are little people who need direction. They are not responsible for sick adults giving them.roles. My mother had been the least favored child of the grandmother who favored me! Her son was her golden child. I dont think my mother liked how close me and my grandmother were. Plus I looked just like her as a child (and I strongly feel shesdidnt like herself) and also I had a childhood mood and anxiety disorder so I had rages. Not daily but I had them. To my mother this meant I was a bad girl. I asked for help often as a severely depressed teen but she wouldnt take me to a psychiatrist because one of her friends had taken HER daughter to one and the psychiatrist had blamed the mother. "i am not going to pay money for some doctor to blame me." This is not verbatim but it is the gist of what she told me. So I was not taken for help. Also I called my mother out on her stuff. She didnt like that I had early insight into what she did and how it was wrong. We are talking before age 13. I already knew. And I challenged her. If she called me a name I said "Thats not true!" My sister was a child who hid her pain and was quiet so she was ignored. I am ashamed to say I teased her as s child and she was much younger than me. My mother, the only parent ever home, never did one thing to try to stop me. My sister didn't matter. And I was an angry pain in her butt. And it was hard to discipline me. And Mother was the laziest parent on the planet. So she didnt do anything or even try. I dont believe any of us ever received a lick of discipline and our chaotic house had no structure, no teaching of manners or social rules, nothing. The house itself was a mess ,(she didnt clean or cook much) and we did whatever we wanted to do. She was lucky we werent destructive. My brother had a severe stomach illness and was extremely passive as a person. He treated my mother like the prima donna she needed to be treated as. He was doted on and loved on. Part of it was his illness, which I understand, but most of it was favortism and nothing else. His mother was about his only friend as a child except for me and he adored her all his life, never finding a woman peer to have a relationship with. Now he DOES have a nasty stomach disorder which could make him loathe to find a partner .But people who have his illness do marry and have families. He just did not. No partner ever lived with him. He has always lived alone. We had no strong second parent to blunt the affects of my mother. My father did not even see what she was doing. Although he was also a scapegoat. He was very self centered and didnt really care about family dynamics. He didnt understand a normal loving family either. He was not affectioonate or ever proud of us. When home he watched TV a lot. Period. My dad was no prince but to me my mother was scarier and meaner than him and she used to bait him (much like my sister baits her abuser) and he would go nuts. WTH, Mother. She didnt have to rev him up but that was her. She wasnt thinking about her three kids scared and huddling on the staircase. Obviously Dad couldnt control his temper either. So they went at it without caring if we were afraid. They eventually divorced and my mother blamed it all on him. I am pretty sure my sibs bought that story. But from my place as oldest in the family I saw her belittling him and trashing him like she trashed me and I always had a different more balanced perspective. My mom was NOT scared of him. She used to bait him and get in his face and call him horrible names. Not that he was blameless. He most certainly was part of two not nice people in a marriage. My mother definitely paved the way for our problems both with one another and with intimacy. My dad just wasnt around enough to make the same impact. And Mother wore the combat boots in the family. I was smart enough to make sure I did Mothering opposite of my own mother. She was a great role model on how not to treat your kids. Of course, she was sick but being sick doesnt have to mean vile. She could have gotten help too but, of course, to her there was nothing wrong with her. That was part of her illness. Glad I never bought what she was selling. I really had no feelings for her by the time she died. I had mourned her way before that time. And she disinherited me as her last kiss off from the grave. I didnt care about any small change she had...it was the rejection that hurt. Yet it wasnt unexpected. The verification that my mother hadnt loved me did sting. But I recovered and things are really good now!!! [/QUOTE]
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