Did I do the right thing?

[tiredmommy]

I spoke to "A"'s mom yesterday. She told me that "A" will be with the same teacher I requested for Duckie next year. I had been under the impression that she was requesting another teacher in the program.

This isn't good. "A" and another girl were pointing and giggling at Duckie from another table just today at lunch.

School ends next Thursday, the class lists are already complete for next year. But I asked for Duckie and "A" to be separated next year. Her current teacher made no promises but will try to get it done. The teacher I had requested said the same and told me that even if they couldn't make the change that she would do everything in her power to deal with each and every incident as it comes.

Was I right to make the request? Duckie may not get the teacher I feel is best for her next year now. I had requested this teacher because she's very organized and I felt that she could help Duckie in this area. She really struggles with organization and neatness.

Did I do the right thing?

 

[trinityroyal]

TM, I think you did the right thing.

Having an organized teacher who can help Duckie focus on neatness will be of far less benefit to her if she`s having to deal with the social and emotional ramifications of dealing with a nasty, bullying child all school year.

There may be other venues to help Duckie with the school issues, but I think it`s more important that she be protected from A.

Trinity

 

[klmno]

I think I'd shoot an email off and tell them not to worry about switching Duckie out if they already have her listed with the teacher you wanted. My thought is that i'd prefer the teacher that I thought could be the best for my child. The issue with the other girl could change dramatically over the course of time- especially at that age. Plus, if it's really a good teacher, there might be better opportunity for Duckie to learn how to deal with tough social situations and maybe the teacher could help get A straightened out.

That's just my opinion, but I don't think you did the wrong thing either way. I hae been fooled by a few teachers in the past- both ways.

 

[slsh]

Gosh TM, that's hard. I kind of lean towards sticking with- the teacher because, in my experience, there will *always* be girl drama (based on life with Diva) but good teachers for difficult children are few and far between (again, just my experience). I think it's important for our kids to learn how to deal with- the bullies in their lives.

We had a hard time this year, more so than usual. In spite of all my coaching, etc, Diva was coming home upset more days than not. I finally talked with- the school SW (who I have a really good relationship with- after 11 years of my kids in her school, LOL). She called the girls in and they hashed it out. Bully had made the mistake of emailing Diva, so we had some hard cold facts to deal with which made it easier.

I don't know - you know Duckie best. It's just been my experience that there will *always* be girls who are vicious. Maybe a known protagonist is better than an unknown one, especially if you've got a good teacher backing her up???

Just my 2 cents.

 

[SRL]

I stronly lean towards sticking with the better teacher, for the same reasons as SLSH. The drama will still happen even if A is in the other class (lunch, recess, etc). A good teacher will help you intervene when necessary plus if she's doing better in school she'll have more resources to deal with the problems than if she's struggling.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks, ladies.

Trinity- I'm getting concerned about what damage this might be causing Duckie.

Klmno & Sue- Duckie and "A" have been in the same classroom since pre-k. That's four years. They used to get along fine, but "A" has really turned on her over the last year or so. Duckie isn't the only child that "A" bullies, but Duckie apparently is her favorite target.

The worst case scenario is that Duckie gets the third teacher in the multiage program. This isn't really a problem, per se, because she is a great teacher too. But the one I requested is very talented at organization.

 

[tiredmommy]

Sorry, SRL; you snuck in on me!

 

[Lothlorien]

TM, is A's mother amenable to you speaking to her about A's behavior? I had a similar problem recently, but I spoke to another mom who knew the other girls mom. Nonchalantly, she pointed out to the other girls mom that she heard that this girl was really giving my daughter grief and getting the other kids to follow along. It worked. The girl stopped. I don't think I would have been able to accomplish this with this girl's mom, because I'm not really that friendly with her, but the other woman is and she was really upset for Missy that this girl was giving her such a hard time.

 

[tiredmommy]

Actually, "A" is my bff's daughter. And EVERY attempt to talk to bff about "A"'s behavior has been blown off as "girls being girls". She doesn't see it. And this may very well end the friendship if "A" gets into any sort of trouble at school through her behavior toward Duckie because, in her mind, I'm overreacting.

Duckie asked me two things after last week's issue which haunt me:

"Mom, is "A" going to make me lose all my friends?"

And "Mom, do I have to be friends with "A" since your friends with Mrs. "A"'s mom?"

 

[busywend]

TM - been there done that! It is hard when the kids are friends. I worked hard to not let the kids relationship affect my friendships. They do drift apart and grow in different directions. I would only attempt to see the mom (your friend) without children from now on. It is OK if the kids are not friends.

However, I agree with you that if her daughter continues to pick on your Duckie AND she does nothing to resolve it - even if it is just to insist the child be nice to Duckie - then the friendship will not be able to withstand that.

I would vote with the others about getting the best teacher. These girls tend to have the up and down drama every year. So, if it is not A, it will be someone else.

As far as what it is doing to Duckie? It is unfortunately part of life for these little ones. It is best to just keep the lesson repeated and hope she listens and learns.

HUGS! I know it is difficult!

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks, Wendy. I know that someone will jump in to fill the gap if "A" isn't there anymore. I've told Duckie this as well. We've been doing role playing at home about what to do if someone bullies her or someone else.

I look at it this way since I've already made the request, there are three possibilities:

*They cannot honor the request and both girls stay in the same classroom.

*They honor the request and move Duckie.

*They honor the request and move "A".

 

[Lothlorien]

Yikes, this is your bff's daughter and bff doesn't get it? I absolutely hate it when mommys have the "not-my-child" syndrome. Well, if they end up in the same class and the problem continues, I have two suggestions. 1) is to have A over and discuss her behaviors and how it hurts Duckie, when bff isn't around. or 2) give Bff one last warning and let her know that this is affecting the friendship between the two of you. If she doesn't address the problem with her daughter, your friendship will suffer in the end.

I hope Duckie ends up with the right teacher and A is somewhere else, so you don't have to worry about it.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks, Loth. husband is being pretty philosophical... he figures it's good I said something to the teachers since they may have assumed any problems between the girls would be handled appropriately since the moms are friends.

It doesn't automatically work that way.

 

[Running_for_the_shelter]

Hey, lady! My difficult child has issues with everybody so with us, it's the best teacher part that counts. Have you talked with the principal? Our principal is well aware of difficult child's issues and he and difficult child's teachers try to find the best match for him. The teacher may not have too much control over the schedule but the principal might be the decision-maker.

Yeah, girls are girls and there is always drama. My easy child has had girl issues. She's a very bright but not emotionally mature 10. Told her there is always a mean girl somewhere. One goes away, another takes her place. Duckie is too young to see Heathers, but that was a movie to bring the point home, wasn't it? My easy child has had troubles with her best friend, but fortunately, the mom will work with her girl, too, to figure out what really happened and see what we can do. It is very interesting when the two of us compare stories! Each girl tells the truth but it's what they leave out ...

Duckie has other activities, and that's a good thing. I have a belief that it's important to have friends in three places (like school, church, and Girl Scouts, for instance). Then when it goes pear-shaped with one group, there are still other people who don't know or don't care about it. 4H is a fine program, too.

Anyway, good luck in getting the teacher you want!

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks, RFS. I love Heathers! It's one of my all-time favorites! (Corn nuts!) I've told Duckie that there will always be a mean girl looking to make her & others miserable. I've also said that,most likely, "A" will stop the nonsense and someone will jump right in to fill "A"'s place. And I've further told her that it had better not be her!!! We've been doing a lot of role playing.

 

[totoro]

Poor Ducky-
N is only 5 and going into K next year, but her pre-school teacher specifically came to me, after we had talked a few times about her boyfriend being very controlling, mean and causing N a lot of anxiety in and out of school, she felt they seriously needed to be in separate classes.
N's personal growth and self-esteem were being affected. She was losing any sense of who she was.
She would not make any decisions without checking with "D" first.
Her Mom is one of those who does not really believe in "issues" for the most part. So we are leaving it up to the Teachers. The Mom really wanted them to be in the same class. I am playing dumb. LOL
But this will also mean she is not in the same class as her new friend who is a sweet little boy.
These are such hard choices, but N is much younger and this is a huge growing time for her. So I, knowing how much her anxiety is affecting her even going to school, felt this was more important then teaching her to deal with mean kids. At this time.

K on the other hand will be in the class with the best teacher for her, regardless of the bullies. We talked to all of the teachers and the staff on the last week of school and we will have a meeting once school is back in session.
We are making it known that K is very affected by all of this... etc.

So I am dealing with both answers! N is more anxiety based and K is more, she will do whatever someone tells her to make people happy or to make friends. She also will sink into full blown depression if she thinks someone doesn't like her.
So we are doing a "soft tough love" with K.
We have set up escapes for K though, she can go to the teachers room at lunch or nurse etc...

Sorry I hate this also! Girls are cruel... Especially when they think they have a sensitive one like most of our girls.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear.
Well, I'd go for the good teacher.
I'm hoping that bff's daughter digs her own grave.
And a lot of it is normal. Girls can be awful. Really, really mean. We went through this with-our easy child. We talked to the other parents and they only said, "We try to tell her to be nice."
Gee, THAT was helpful. NOT.
I was friends with-a girl, S, through elem and HS because my mom and her mom were friends. Sometimes it worked out, and sometimes it didn't. Finally, when I was married, S pulled one stunt too many and I ended the friendship. We haven't spoken in 20 yrs. My mom asked me on many occasions what the problem was and I simply told her that it wasn't worth it and she was too immature. It was much easier to rid myself of this "friend" and my mom's prying when I was an adult.
As a child, you're stuck. It hoovers. And it's more common than you think.
I'm sending best wishes for strength and distance.