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Family of Origin
Did I give birth to an unicorn? Or three easy steps to become a guru
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 664709" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It doesn't really feel like a dig so much as a disregarding. It's as though you've been used for the wonder of your existence and discounted at the same time. I think that is where the sense of distaste in it is, for me. Have you read Gone Girl? It's a little like the way her parents created an imaginary person from the real person who was their daughter. The imaginary daughter met the needs of the parents in a way the real daughter did not.</p><p></p><p>It has that feel to it, for me.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>It does more than make the story better. There would be no story without the granddaughter no one can prove doesn't exist <em>not even you.</em></p><p></p><p>And yet, the child would have come through you.</p><p></p><p>I would find it distasteful and disrespectful and would be uncomfortable with it, too. It would be a beautiful story if he had claimed to have been blessed with the presence of whatever spirit he wanted...there is something distasteful in his having chosen a granddaughter. </p><p></p><p>Actually?</p><p></p><p>I would be furious.</p><p></p><p>I would not mind about the story or the money or the girlfriend. But to create the story he has created is a wrongness. I don't want to say any more than that. </p><p></p><p>Your father is very wrong, to do as he is doing. It's a theft; something very hurtful to you.</p><p></p><p>And there is nothing you can do about it. I mean, you could, as the Mother of the spirit he claims communion with, denounce the father's contention. No telling what he would do with that.</p><p></p><p>I would be uncomfortable with this, too.</p><p></p><p>That was the distasteful, disrespectful thing we could not put our fingers on. </p><p></p><p>He has no right.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is your father. He should not be calling you mundane. I'm sorry to say so SuZir, but for your father to cover what is undeniably a pattern of verbally abusive behavior by calling it fiction is cowardice.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry your own father is doing that to you. How awful for you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have known my mom and my sister for 63 years now. Well, my sister a little less ~ only 61 years. :O) And it is only recently that I have come to know them through their actions and not through whatever filters I had erected around them to maintain my belief in loving family.</p><p></p><p>I just couldn't believe they don't love me.</p><p></p><p>But their actions would indicate that they don't.</p><p></p><p>I still get a little fuzzy around the edges on that concept. The difference for me, and maybe, for each of us, is that I no longer feel bereft when I know I am not loved by my people in the way all of us should be loved and strengthened and upheld and not used.</p><p></p><p>What the? Our parents do the strangest, most seemingly purposeless, utterly unpredictable things.</p><p></p><p>I am flummoxed, too.</p><p></p><p>I just didn't know why, before.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That he would paint it is indicative of a thought pattern. That he painted it before he ditched you ~ <em>which should never have happened to you; you deserve, every woman deserves, better fathering than to be treated that way ~ </em>when I put those pieces together and add in the spirit of your unborn daughter...it seems criminal. As though he refuses to grant you the legitimacy of your own life.</p><p></p><p>To think of him fastening onto you that way is making me sick.</p><p></p><p>What a wicked little weasel.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course you have the right to be upset about it. I am deeply bothered by what your own father is doing, by the theme and the practice of the thing, by the lack of essential decency in it. </p><p></p><p>I would not know how to see it, either.</p><p></p><p>I would feel violated and without power. It would be difficult for me, so difficult, to know I had been seen in this way by my father. </p><p></p><p>Fathers and how they see us...it matters, deep down in the psyche, in a way almost impossible to differentiate or unravel, it matters how our fathers see us.</p><p></p><p>I feel badly that this is happening to you. On the other hand, it has made you fiercely strong.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, that's the thing. What is there to say. Simply to explore it, to sort of sound the depths and echoes of it here is a good thing, I think. What we need to know when we are interacting with our dark side parents or sibs is where we are ~ we need to know the lay of the land. It helped me to remember that abusers abuse because they abuse. </p><p></p><p>There is no other reason.</p><p></p><p>They think differently than we do.</p><p></p><p>I do not see the ~ it's like my mother or my sister want to make me...kickable. A kickable person, a person who, in the quiet of one on one interaction, is a kickable person. It doesn't have to do with what anyone else sees. It has only to do with my mother, and with me. Even my sister is an extraneous player until she is not. The person whose position in the hierarchy does not change is my mother.</p><p></p><p>And for the longest time, I could not see that.</p><p></p><p>That is the feeling I mean, when I say they seem determined to hate me, and to focus their own lives around me at the same time.</p><p></p><p>Just as you suggest your father has done, in his art.</p><p></p><p>I have the sense of that same <em>watched</em> feeling, that same </p><p>almost-threat feeling from your father that I have from my mom. </p><p></p><p>You are here with us, now.</p><p></p><p>That is better than alone with it; it was right for you to post in.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you did post to us.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 664709, member: 17461"] It doesn't really feel like a dig so much as a disregarding. It's as though you've been used for the wonder of your existence and discounted at the same time. I think that is where the sense of distaste in it is, for me. Have you read Gone Girl? It's a little like the way her parents created an imaginary person from the real person who was their daughter. The imaginary daughter met the needs of the parents in a way the real daughter did not. It has that feel to it, for me. *** It does more than make the story better. There would be no story without the granddaughter no one can prove doesn't exist [I]not even you.[/I] And yet, the child would have come through you. I would find it distasteful and disrespectful and would be uncomfortable with it, too. It would be a beautiful story if he had claimed to have been blessed with the presence of whatever spirit he wanted...there is something distasteful in his having chosen a granddaughter. Actually? I would be furious. I would not mind about the story or the money or the girlfriend. But to create the story he has created is a wrongness. I don't want to say any more than that. Your father is very wrong, to do as he is doing. It's a theft; something very hurtful to you. And there is nothing you can do about it. I mean, you could, as the Mother of the spirit he claims communion with, denounce the father's contention. No telling what he would do with that. I would be uncomfortable with this, too. That was the distasteful, disrespectful thing we could not put our fingers on. He has no right. This is your father. He should not be calling you mundane. I'm sorry to say so SuZir, but for your father to cover what is undeniably a pattern of verbally abusive behavior by calling it fiction is cowardice. I am sorry your own father is doing that to you. How awful for you. I have known my mom and my sister for 63 years now. Well, my sister a little less ~ only 61 years. :O) And it is only recently that I have come to know them through their actions and not through whatever filters I had erected around them to maintain my belief in loving family. I just couldn't believe they don't love me. But their actions would indicate that they don't. I still get a little fuzzy around the edges on that concept. The difference for me, and maybe, for each of us, is that I no longer feel bereft when I know I am not loved by my people in the way all of us should be loved and strengthened and upheld and not used. What the? Our parents do the strangest, most seemingly purposeless, utterly unpredictable things. I am flummoxed, too. I just didn't know why, before. That he would paint it is indicative of a thought pattern. That he painted it before he ditched you ~ [I]which should never have happened to you; you deserve, every woman deserves, better fathering than to be treated that way ~ [/I]when I put those pieces together and add in the spirit of your unborn daughter...it seems criminal. As though he refuses to grant you the legitimacy of your own life. To think of him fastening onto you that way is making me sick. What a wicked little weasel. Of course you have the right to be upset about it. I am deeply bothered by what your own father is doing, by the theme and the practice of the thing, by the lack of essential decency in it. I would not know how to see it, either. I would feel violated and without power. It would be difficult for me, so difficult, to know I had been seen in this way by my father. Fathers and how they see us...it matters, deep down in the psyche, in a way almost impossible to differentiate or unravel, it matters how our fathers see us. I feel badly that this is happening to you. On the other hand, it has made you fiercely strong. Well, that's the thing. What is there to say. Simply to explore it, to sort of sound the depths and echoes of it here is a good thing, I think. What we need to know when we are interacting with our dark side parents or sibs is where we are ~ we need to know the lay of the land. It helped me to remember that abusers abuse because they abuse. There is no other reason. They think differently than we do. I do not see the ~ it's like my mother or my sister want to make me...kickable. A kickable person, a person who, in the quiet of one on one interaction, is a kickable person. It doesn't have to do with what anyone else sees. It has only to do with my mother, and with me. Even my sister is an extraneous player until she is not. The person whose position in the hierarchy does not change is my mother. And for the longest time, I could not see that. That is the feeling I mean, when I say they seem determined to hate me, and to focus their own lives around me at the same time. Just as you suggest your father has done, in his art. I have the sense of that same [I]watched[/I] feeling, that same almost-threat feeling from your father that I have from my mom. You are here with us, now. That is better than alone with it; it was right for you to post in. I am glad you did post to us. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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