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Did I give birth to an unicorn? Or three easy steps to become a guru
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 664877" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Sorry to hear about your health issues, Copa. Hopefully it will not end up progressing. </p><p></p><p>I think big difference I have in my relationship with my dad to your relationships with your mothers is, that my parents got a divorce when I was three and I have never since lived with my dad. His dysfunction has hurt me still, and it didn't help that my mom wasn't exactly stable either, but I think it makes it easier for me to see my dad as he is and I have less attributed his issues on something being wrong in me. </p><p></p><p>Especially now from adult perspective I'm mostly amazed that my dad has been able to function as well as he has. His background is absolutely horrible and him even just surviving, and even more so, making something out of himself, is a testament to that kind of resilience and inner strength that I can only watch in awe. Expecting him to be a competent parent is simply totally unreasonable demand. Of course on could say he shouldn't have had kids, all things considering, but I have to strongly protest that. I like being alive and I think I have two rather irreplaceable kids who wouldn't exist either if my dad wouldn't have had me. </p><p></p><p>As a child I had four long term parental figures, my mom, grandpa, granny and dad in that order. There was also bunch of stepdads and -moms and live-in boyfriends and girlfriends, so many that when I try to count I always notice around 20 that I have forgotten this one or that one and what was the name of that person, and let it go. Anyway those four who stayed had very complex relationships with each others and everyone also had their issues. I always found grandpa most reliable, stable and loving of them, but then again he had been so rigid parent to my mom that it had been abusive and my mom spent her whole life rebelling him. My dad and grandpa had also very intriguing relationship even long after divorce happened. I have never really understood it, it seemed to be very antagonist relationship, but it continued long after there was any reason for them to have any contact and grandpa seemed to be a person my dad called when he really needed some help. And he did help.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This I think is partly true. Power balance in our relationship shifted very early. I was of course very parentified by my mother and used to take that role and I think I wasn't even in my mid teens when I parented also him more than I was parented. And our relationship dynamics till that big break up was that I disproved, scolded and fixed and dad behaved like he was that unruly teen in that relationship. And at the time I was angry enough, that I really didn't neither plead or ask or try to hide my contempt. In fact i was rather horrible. </p><p></p><p>Having my own kids I started to draw stricter boundaries in some ways but also try to be nicer to him and I have to say that after our no contact I have been one making rules. And dad doesn't dare to really defy me. It doesn't mean he would live like I would like him to, but he tries to hide things he knows I disapprove. </p><p></p><p>It is not ideal, but it is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 664877, member: 14557"] Sorry to hear about your health issues, Copa. Hopefully it will not end up progressing. I think big difference I have in my relationship with my dad to your relationships with your mothers is, that my parents got a divorce when I was three and I have never since lived with my dad. His dysfunction has hurt me still, and it didn't help that my mom wasn't exactly stable either, but I think it makes it easier for me to see my dad as he is and I have less attributed his issues on something being wrong in me. Especially now from adult perspective I'm mostly amazed that my dad has been able to function as well as he has. His background is absolutely horrible and him even just surviving, and even more so, making something out of himself, is a testament to that kind of resilience and inner strength that I can only watch in awe. Expecting him to be a competent parent is simply totally unreasonable demand. Of course on could say he shouldn't have had kids, all things considering, but I have to strongly protest that. I like being alive and I think I have two rather irreplaceable kids who wouldn't exist either if my dad wouldn't have had me. As a child I had four long term parental figures, my mom, grandpa, granny and dad in that order. There was also bunch of stepdads and -moms and live-in boyfriends and girlfriends, so many that when I try to count I always notice around 20 that I have forgotten this one or that one and what was the name of that person, and let it go. Anyway those four who stayed had very complex relationships with each others and everyone also had their issues. I always found grandpa most reliable, stable and loving of them, but then again he had been so rigid parent to my mom that it had been abusive and my mom spent her whole life rebelling him. My dad and grandpa had also very intriguing relationship even long after divorce happened. I have never really understood it, it seemed to be very antagonist relationship, but it continued long after there was any reason for them to have any contact and grandpa seemed to be a person my dad called when he really needed some help. And he did help. This I think is partly true. Power balance in our relationship shifted very early. I was of course very parentified by my mother and used to take that role and I think I wasn't even in my mid teens when I parented also him more than I was parented. And our relationship dynamics till that big break up was that I disproved, scolded and fixed and dad behaved like he was that unruly teen in that relationship. And at the time I was angry enough, that I really didn't neither plead or ask or try to hide my contempt. In fact i was rather horrible. Having my own kids I started to draw stricter boundaries in some ways but also try to be nicer to him and I have to say that after our no contact I have been one making rules. And dad doesn't dare to really defy me. It doesn't mean he would live like I would like him to, but he tries to hide things he knows I disapprove. It is not ideal, but it is. [/QUOTE]
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