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Family of Origin
Did I give birth to an unicorn? Or three easy steps to become a guru
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 665071" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think part of what we are learning here is to forgive ourselves for the almost unbelievable situations we found ourselves in. You expected more from your father and were strong enough to say so. That is a more respectful thing, a more real response, than not to address what the people we love are doing. It's like it is with our kids, in a way. I was allowing my son to treat me disrespectfully because I was so sure he must have a reason for treating me as he did. Once I could figure out that, whatever he thought about why he was treating his own mom that way, it was not good for him or for me to just let it keep happening, then I could stand up. So, he had to stand up too, or not talk to me at all.</p><p></p><p>Which he does all the time. </p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p>But even though I feel badly about the way things are between us when that happens, it is better to address it when our family members fall short.</p><p></p><p>Or when we do.</p><p></p><p>How can any of us respect ourselves or anyone else if we do not claim the chutzpa to point out that what is happening is wrong? </p><p></p><p>I love you too much to love you this way. That is a good guiding precept, for us. When things are going so badly for all of us, saying so right out loud is a good beginning. They do tend to not want anything to do with us though, after we say what we see.</p><p></p><p>So, there's that. </p><p></p><p>We feel badly about the situation and somehow, believe we should have been able to have handled it better. We need to really get it that it is the situation that is difficult. However much we might hope that our responses will set things right, there comes a time when we need to realize that our families want something different than we do. And they always did, or we would not find ourselves in the situations we do with them. Saying what we see is required, if we want to establish trust in our relationships. And most importantly, if we want to be able to trust ourselves.</p><p></p><p>That is what we are learning here on these threads too, I think. We are ferreting out the truth, and learning to trust and believe in ourselves. We did see what we saw; we did hear what we heard.</p><p></p><p>I think you did the right thing in making no bones about expecting more from your father. It's a mark of respect to expect more from the people we love.</p><p></p><p>I keep going back to Serenity's article on fluidity versus rigidity in family roles being the essential difference between functional and dysfunctional families.</p><p></p><p>Here's the thing: When I begin to feel badly about what has happened between myself and my family of origin, I begin to blame myself for the outcome. D H says: It was your mother who hung up on you. She could have called back then, she could have called the next day or a week later or any time at all, and the relationship would have been salvaged.</p><p></p><p>Your mother created the situation, and expects you to accept her behavior. You did not create the situation. You stood up. What your mom does with that is her choice.</p><p></p><p>And he is right.</p><p></p><p>There are always two sides to every story. It's when the roles become rigid things ~ when the abuser stubbornly insists on a power over dynamic ~ that the family slips, one more time, into dysfunction. Add all those times when something might have been addressed and was not, and we see how our families got where we are, today.</p><p></p><p>Most moms don't beat their kids. Mine did.</p><p></p><p>Most dads don't do irresponsible things routinely enough that their children have to point that out to them. Yours did.</p><p></p><p>It isn't like we can just ignore these patterns once we see them. I am beginning to see, now, that to ignore hurtful things, or to pretend somehow that it is okay to let someone treat us, or treat themselves, badly is not a correct response on our part.</p><p></p><p>We cannot control what the other person is going to think or do, or how they're going to feel. Something has to be done; someone has to speak up, or nothing will change. And at least in my family of origin, things are now so severely out of balance that even I couldn't convince myself that if I just tried harder, we would come through it. Here is a secret: We have never come through it. Everyone was treating everyone else so badly, and with such open contempt, that someone had to say something.</p><p></p><p>I would do it again.</p><p></p><p>I wish I'd done it sooner.</p><p></p><p>Everything looks very different, once we stand up.</p><p></p><p>It still hurts, but at least we are in an upright position. (Cedar says, convincing herself as much as anyone else.)</p><p></p><p>The old ways didn't work. This way may not work, either. We have nothing to lose; nothing to protect.</p><p></p><p>That is freedom.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Little lonely. But for those times, we have one another, here, to help us remember the why behind the way it is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 665071, member: 17461"] I think part of what we are learning here is to forgive ourselves for the almost unbelievable situations we found ourselves in. You expected more from your father and were strong enough to say so. That is a more respectful thing, a more real response, than not to address what the people we love are doing. It's like it is with our kids, in a way. I was allowing my son to treat me disrespectfully because I was so sure he must have a reason for treating me as he did. Once I could figure out that, whatever he thought about why he was treating his own mom that way, it was not good for him or for me to just let it keep happening, then I could stand up. So, he had to stand up too, or not talk to me at all. Which he does all the time. Ahem. But even though I feel badly about the way things are between us when that happens, it is better to address it when our family members fall short. Or when we do. How can any of us respect ourselves or anyone else if we do not claim the chutzpa to point out that what is happening is wrong? I love you too much to love you this way. That is a good guiding precept, for us. When things are going so badly for all of us, saying so right out loud is a good beginning. They do tend to not want anything to do with us though, after we say what we see. So, there's that. We feel badly about the situation and somehow, believe we should have been able to have handled it better. We need to really get it that it is the situation that is difficult. However much we might hope that our responses will set things right, there comes a time when we need to realize that our families want something different than we do. And they always did, or we would not find ourselves in the situations we do with them. Saying what we see is required, if we want to establish trust in our relationships. And most importantly, if we want to be able to trust ourselves. That is what we are learning here on these threads too, I think. We are ferreting out the truth, and learning to trust and believe in ourselves. We did see what we saw; we did hear what we heard. I think you did the right thing in making no bones about expecting more from your father. It's a mark of respect to expect more from the people we love. I keep going back to Serenity's article on fluidity versus rigidity in family roles being the essential difference between functional and dysfunctional families. Here's the thing: When I begin to feel badly about what has happened between myself and my family of origin, I begin to blame myself for the outcome. D H says: It was your mother who hung up on you. She could have called back then, she could have called the next day or a week later or any time at all, and the relationship would have been salvaged. Your mother created the situation, and expects you to accept her behavior. You did not create the situation. You stood up. What your mom does with that is her choice. And he is right. There are always two sides to every story. It's when the roles become rigid things ~ when the abuser stubbornly insists on a power over dynamic ~ that the family slips, one more time, into dysfunction. Add all those times when something might have been addressed and was not, and we see how our families got where we are, today. Most moms don't beat their kids. Mine did. Most dads don't do irresponsible things routinely enough that their children have to point that out to them. Yours did. It isn't like we can just ignore these patterns once we see them. I am beginning to see, now, that to ignore hurtful things, or to pretend somehow that it is okay to let someone treat us, or treat themselves, badly is not a correct response on our part. We cannot control what the other person is going to think or do, or how they're going to feel. Something has to be done; someone has to speak up, or nothing will change. And at least in my family of origin, things are now so severely out of balance that even I couldn't convince myself that if I just tried harder, we would come through it. Here is a secret: We have never come through it. Everyone was treating everyone else so badly, and with such open contempt, that someone had to say something. I would do it again. I wish I'd done it sooner. Everything looks very different, once we stand up. It still hurts, but at least we are in an upright position. (Cedar says, convincing herself as much as anyone else.) The old ways didn't work. This way may not work, either. We have nothing to lose; nothing to protect. That is freedom. Cedar Little lonely. But for those times, we have one another, here, to help us remember the why behind the way it is. [/QUOTE]
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