Did we make the right decision🙈

[Sunshineaftertherain]

I can identify with so many regarding our kids who cause choas in our families.
My son is 16, turning 17 this weekend.
He has Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), high IQ, with some comorbidities, ADD, possible BiPolar (BP), possible PD traids, not sure of conduct.
Our family was kept hostage by his outbursts, not just meltdowns, manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse and edging on physical abuse.
He has been in therapy since 3yrs old. We have done, and still doing, all the interventions, therapy, medications....everything.
We reached a point 3 months ago where we had to start exploring alternative housing options, because he couldn't stay here anymore...just became to abusive and stresfull, fo him and us.
In our country we litterally dont have any reputable, safe residential alternatives for this type of child who is high functioning but with psychiatric challenges.
SO..... we decided, with his consent, to get him a place of his own....we are renting a room, with kitchenette en toilet/ shower. He still attends a homeschool tutor centre, with all structure in place.,..and he can come home over weekends, if he behaves and homework is done, to do his online gaming.
At first he didnt want to give us permission to enter his place when he wasnt there.,...but things quickly went south....didnt drink his pills, higiene and stuff like that. We now have a key and I go to organise his place, sort out his food, washing, bedding and so on.
We have good contact with school tutors, he needs to send me pics of his medications holder...ect.
QUESTION: People outside, who doesnt know our whole story, who doesnt know we were at a crossroad and that this was the better of the alternatives, are very opinionated and judging how we could let such a young child stay on his own.....
We realize this is not the norm....but our kid doesnt fit the norm!
Yes, we worry about who and what he does, but this is the best we could do in our situation.
He has been living on his own for 4 weeks now, yes, we had and still have bumps and adjustments, challenges with him making poor judgement errors, but he is very happy, he enjoys his peace and being alone.
He is connected with wifi and discort chatting with his friends, daily.
Please if you could give any advise or reassurance that our desision wasnt cruel or if some had similar experiences...or successes, please share with me.
Regards

 

[ksm]

Please do not be hard on yourself! It sounds like you have done everything humanly possible for your child. Are there other children in the home? You will not find judgement from this group.

Being from a different country does make it hard for us to give suggestions. I only gave a couple ideas that helped us. Several years ago the nurse practitioner for the psychologist ordered a lab DNA test. The report came back with appropriate suggestions for medication that would work best for her. It is based on what enzymes she had to metabolize the medications and what medications she couldn't metabolize.

Sometimes, they have two few (or none!) or too much of a specific enzyme. They can metabolize too slow, too fast, or not at all! Google DNA testing for medication. Be sure to find out first if insurance covers and the cost involved. We found that the medications they had tried were not right for our daughters, she was missing an enzyme...but had twice as much of a different enzyme, so she was a rapid metabolizer...and it didnt stay in her system.

In the USA, there are some programs like Job Corp that is an option for some young adults. And also, some do well with the structure of the military, but not all.

Do you think that a vocational school might be an option in a couple of years?

Have you been able to get any family history about his bio parents? Could drugs or alcohol be an issue? Our granddaughters bio mom drank during the pregnancy and our older has signs of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. She has above average IQ but lower executive function skills. Cant organize or plan ahead...very spur of the moment in all areas of her life.

Stay strong! Ksm

 

[Crayola13]

I think living alone is the only good option for some kids.

 

[Frieda]

My son sounds very much like yours. High IQ, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), ADHD, Anxiety disorder and overall pretty reactive. We went through a rough patch during his late teens and considered a group home. Never got very far because he was too high functioning for many services and we don't even have a social worker. He also needs a fair amount of space and quiet, and many of his meltdowns are related to being overstimulated by noise and movement. A group home might not have been the right fit for him. In my son's case a medication adjustment and some maturing did help. He is 20 now, still lives with us and we have legal guardianship. He did not qualify for disability, but he is in college. He is doing well academically but not socially. I worry that he is loosing his chance to, and motivation for independence, but at the same time he lacks the skills (and funds) to live independently. I am not sure if we made all the right decisions with our son, but we sure tried our best. You say your child is happy, and you are still there to support him. It seems like your parent-child relationship is improving with some physical distance. I think you did right to find a solution that disengaged you from the battles at home. Maybe he will thrive and grow into his own. Our kids mature until their late 20s, he will mature too. Maybe it won't work out long term, and then you will have to find a different solution. You sure did not make your decision on a whim and without soul searching.
As far as what other people think: you know what they say about people and opinions.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Sunshine

I think this option sounds wonderful for him and for the family. You are giving him full support. He is rising to the occasion as he can. Please do not take to heart what others may think or say. They could not understand unless they've lived it. Welcome to our group. I hope you keep posting. It helps.

 

[susiestar]

I completely understand why you needed to get him out of the house. When my oldest was 14, we had to find another place for him to live. Someone was going to end up dead or maimed if he stayed in our home. It wasn't that we didn't love him. It was that we couldn't keep him from trying to kill his little sister and/or I. Even the cops thought we were headed for major trouble if things didn't change fast. My parents really wanted to try to turn things around before we shipped him off to a Boy's Home (I had just arranged a scholarship for 4 years of residential treatment/education/etc.... when my parents asked). I warned them fully of what they would be dealing with, and let them have a chance. We had a few rocky moments, but it also brought us closer. Six weeks into the arrangement, I got a HUGE apology from each of my parents for doubting me when I told them exactly what was going on. They thought I was overreacting. The apology was nice.

I think your solution for your son sounds great. Especially with some supervision to keep the hygiene standards up. It also gives his brother a chance to get most of your attention. That is good for him.

As for people judging you without knowing the entire situation, I am sorry that happened to you. Of course you looked into all the options you could find, and you chose the one that best fit your family's needs. Just because it wouldn't be the right choice for other families doesn't mean it is the wrong choice for your family. There were more than a few times when others questioned my parenting and I had to choose to follow what was right for my kids.

 

[Fairy dust]

We had to remove our son from our home when he was 15. Things became far too volatile and verbal outbursts on his part had escalated to physical violence towards me, his father and younger sister. Not to mention the house being wrecked by his outbursts, things broken, stolen. And the many police visits which ensued. As his mother this was the hardest decision ever made but I knew that if we did not do this intervention one or all us would be dead. We got him his own place and helped him as much as we could. Several years later he was allowed to move back on the premise he finish his high school and no drugs. The honeymoon lasted 6 months and the same dynamics began again. in his 20s he was finally diagnosed with mental health issues and addictions to drugs. We have always tried to be there to help him but he marches to his own drum. I. Could never again live with him and have to focus on not getting sucked into his drama or the poor choices he has made. He too is very high IQ But also manipulative. Through this group and much personal therapy I have had to learn to set strong boundaries, and step out of his way. those who have never walked this path have no way of understanding the pain, torment and guilt we parents have gone through. Stand tall, know you are a good parent and don’t listen to the advice of people who pretend to understand. They just can’t! We do!