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Did we overreact?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 629685" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I so understand where you are. </p><p></p><p>I would also have a very clear conversation with him about treatment for his use of alcohol and drugs. Have a pathway for him to get a substance abuse assessment and treatment already determined (in other words, make some phone calls, and get the information you need first, starting with what your health insurance will pay for and by whom). </p><p></p><p>Make it clear to him that the pathway to any help or support from you leads first to treatment.</p><p></p><p>You can start with a substance abuse assessment---there are people who do just that first. </p><p></p><p>Another option is a psychologist for a mental health evaluation, in addition to the substance abuse assessment. My son has been ordered by the court to do both of those things---he is now almost 25. </p><p></p><p>Then either an inpatient program, starting with detox (if necessary) then at least 28 days of treatment, or an outpatient program and halfway house. This is a slow transition---teaching life skills and how to cope with life on life's terms without substances---back to the "real world."</p><p></p><p>If you have the pathway already defined, you will feel better and it makes a more structured process for him and for you in order for him to continue to receive your support and help until he can be on his own---which needs to be sooner rather than later, whether it's the military or college or a technical school or working full time. </p><p></p><p>We usually know only the "tip of the iceberg" when it comes to how much they are using, what they are using and what they are doing to pay for what they are using. If you know some things, you can be assured there are a lot more things you don't know.</p><p></p><p>And, addiction is a primary diagnosis (drugs or alcohol) so that means if he does have another mental health problem, you can't identify or treat that without also treating the addiction, either first or at the same time. </p><p></p><p>It has to be his choice to go since he is 18 but you can make it clear that without professional help, he doesn't come back home. </p><p></p><p>I wish I had started spelling things like this out very clearly earlier. But I didn't realize how far things had gone until they had gone very, very far and my son was arrested the first time for possession. When he did get out of jail, I did demand that he go to a 28-day inpatient treatment program and he stayed for the entire time, at an out of pocket cost to me of $6K, but he was not ready for treatment at all so resisted it every step of the way.</p><p></p><p>This may happen with you as well. But it may not.</p><p></p><p>The key is this: your support and help are contingent on him getting professional treatment and help. </p><p></p><p>No treatment, no help. </p><p></p><p>That sounds harsh, but it is clear that your son is miserable and is making everybody around him miserable. It's time for professional help. You can't do this alone, so stop trying to.</p><p></p><p>And now for you---please go to Al-Anon. Go to six meetings before you decide if it is right for you. I can tell you this: there is a 1:1 correlation with how much better I do, especially in a crisis, like I have been this week, and like you are now, and how many meetings I attend.</p><p></p><p>The more I go, the better I feel and am able to cope with life on life's terms.</p><p></p><p>I have been to a meeting every day since Thursday. It is amazing the support, love, care, concern, understanding and complete acceptance you will receive there, along with ideas on how to cope and how other people cope.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs for you. Please keep sharing with us. And here, take what you like from what I wrote, and leave the rest. It's completely up to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 629685, member: 17542"] I so understand where you are. I would also have a very clear conversation with him about treatment for his use of alcohol and drugs. Have a pathway for him to get a substance abuse assessment and treatment already determined (in other words, make some phone calls, and get the information you need first, starting with what your health insurance will pay for and by whom). Make it clear to him that the pathway to any help or support from you leads first to treatment. You can start with a substance abuse assessment---there are people who do just that first. Another option is a psychologist for a mental health evaluation, in addition to the substance abuse assessment. My son has been ordered by the court to do both of those things---he is now almost 25. Then either an inpatient program, starting with detox (if necessary) then at least 28 days of treatment, or an outpatient program and halfway house. This is a slow transition---teaching life skills and how to cope with life on life's terms without substances---back to the "real world." If you have the pathway already defined, you will feel better and it makes a more structured process for him and for you in order for him to continue to receive your support and help until he can be on his own---which needs to be sooner rather than later, whether it's the military or college or a technical school or working full time. We usually know only the "tip of the iceberg" when it comes to how much they are using, what they are using and what they are doing to pay for what they are using. If you know some things, you can be assured there are a lot more things you don't know. And, addiction is a primary diagnosis (drugs or alcohol) so that means if he does have another mental health problem, you can't identify or treat that without also treating the addiction, either first or at the same time. It has to be his choice to go since he is 18 but you can make it clear that without professional help, he doesn't come back home. I wish I had started spelling things like this out very clearly earlier. But I didn't realize how far things had gone until they had gone very, very far and my son was arrested the first time for possession. When he did get out of jail, I did demand that he go to a 28-day inpatient treatment program and he stayed for the entire time, at an out of pocket cost to me of $6K, but he was not ready for treatment at all so resisted it every step of the way. This may happen with you as well. But it may not. The key is this: your support and help are contingent on him getting professional treatment and help. No treatment, no help. That sounds harsh, but it is clear that your son is miserable and is making everybody around him miserable. It's time for professional help. You can't do this alone, so stop trying to. And now for you---please go to Al-Anon. Go to six meetings before you decide if it is right for you. I can tell you this: there is a 1:1 correlation with how much better I do, especially in a crisis, like I have been this week, and like you are now, and how many meetings I attend. The more I go, the better I feel and am able to cope with life on life's terms. I have been to a meeting every day since Thursday. It is amazing the support, love, care, concern, understanding and complete acceptance you will receive there, along with ideas on how to cope and how other people cope. Warm hugs for you. Please keep sharing with us. And here, take what you like from what I wrote, and leave the rest. It's completely up to you. [/QUOTE]
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