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Did we overreact?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 629692" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Mom, you have five successful adult children and one who is wired differently in his brain. Nobody will ever be able to tell you why, but clearly it is NOT your home environment since you had so much success. No matter what the reason is, in my house and world, my adult children can no l onger disrespect me at all, let alone shout obscenities at me, use drugs in my house, or even smoke ciggies in our house. We are a smoke-free home.</p><p></p><p>Like almost all of our difficult children, they do act like they hate us and honestly I am doing a crash course on adults with personality disorders and I'll bet that 70% of our difficult children, if not more, have some antisocial, narcissistic, histronic, or borderline traits, which means they are into THEMSELVES, not anyone else, even their loving parents. Most refuse help. Although no one cause has been isolated, the newest researchers (and in my opinion the best) are leaning toward a strong genetic component. I know in my family personality-disorders-is-us (could be the name of some funky shop...lol). But in your son's case he may have had some glitch from his early medical problems. That still does not give him the right to abuse you and his siblings. My son 36 used to abuse his sister too and today, as a mature young lady of thirty expecting a baby, he is puzzled why she wants nothing to do with him. He made his bed. We can't control the choices our adult children make or that anyone in the world makes, except us.</p><p></p><p>Which brings us to hubby. You two can maybe sit down over coffee in a nice setting and discuss how both of you feel about your son and how to handle him. If you disagree, that's fine. He has the right to be blind to the problems your son will face in the future if he does not get help. And you have the right to see it and to try to help him grow up and, at the same time, keep violence out of your home, which is YOUR sanctuary. (Someone called it that once and I love it).</p><p></p><p>I do not think he should live with you if he is verbally or physically violent (yes, you can be verbally violent) or he is into illegal activities. Selling drugs is serious and he is probably taking them too.</p><p></p><p>Have you ever gone to a Narc-Anon meeting for face time help? Do you maybe instead have your own therapist to help you with this stress? We are here too...24/7, 365 days a year and somebody always seems to be able to answer, even on Christmas.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing unreasonable about expecting a grown child to follow simple rules in order to live in your house. Most kids do it without being told. Your son's lifestyle is dangerous. Why make it cozy for him to do unsafe and abusive and self-destructive things? That will not encourage him to think about changing, if he is too comfortable. Don't let him bully you either. Your the parent, not him!!</p><p></p><p>Tell your daughter that he has to go to rehab and show a serious interest in changing his lifestyle in order to come home...and to speak respectfullyl, like she did. She sounds like a kind, sensitive young woman, but she doesn't have to live with him anymore. I know she feels sorry for him. Addiction takes many victims, most of them very good folks.</p><p></p><p>To Tired of 33, I know you'll get this: There is no reason we should support our grown kids AT ALL. Otherwise they are 33 and 36 and would still take our money if we gave it to them. It is best to cut THAT out early, as I learned the hard way!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 629692, member: 1550"] Mom, you have five successful adult children and one who is wired differently in his brain. Nobody will ever be able to tell you why, but clearly it is NOT your home environment since you had so much success. No matter what the reason is, in my house and world, my adult children can no l onger disrespect me at all, let alone shout obscenities at me, use drugs in my house, or even smoke ciggies in our house. We are a smoke-free home. Like almost all of our difficult children, they do act like they hate us and honestly I am doing a crash course on adults with personality disorders and I'll bet that 70% of our difficult children, if not more, have some antisocial, narcissistic, histronic, or borderline traits, which means they are into THEMSELVES, not anyone else, even their loving parents. Most refuse help. Although no one cause has been isolated, the newest researchers (and in my opinion the best) are leaning toward a strong genetic component. I know in my family personality-disorders-is-us (could be the name of some funky shop...lol). But in your son's case he may have had some glitch from his early medical problems. That still does not give him the right to abuse you and his siblings. My son 36 used to abuse his sister too and today, as a mature young lady of thirty expecting a baby, he is puzzled why she wants nothing to do with him. He made his bed. We can't control the choices our adult children make or that anyone in the world makes, except us. Which brings us to hubby. You two can maybe sit down over coffee in a nice setting and discuss how both of you feel about your son and how to handle him. If you disagree, that's fine. He has the right to be blind to the problems your son will face in the future if he does not get help. And you have the right to see it and to try to help him grow up and, at the same time, keep violence out of your home, which is YOUR sanctuary. (Someone called it that once and I love it). I do not think he should live with you if he is verbally or physically violent (yes, you can be verbally violent) or he is into illegal activities. Selling drugs is serious and he is probably taking them too. Have you ever gone to a Narc-Anon meeting for face time help? Do you maybe instead have your own therapist to help you with this stress? We are here too...24/7, 365 days a year and somebody always seems to be able to answer, even on Christmas. There is nothing unreasonable about expecting a grown child to follow simple rules in order to live in your house. Most kids do it without being told. Your son's lifestyle is dangerous. Why make it cozy for him to do unsafe and abusive and self-destructive things? That will not encourage him to think about changing, if he is too comfortable. Don't let him bully you either. Your the parent, not him!! Tell your daughter that he has to go to rehab and show a serious interest in changing his lifestyle in order to come home...and to speak respectfullyl, like she did. She sounds like a kind, sensitive young woman, but she doesn't have to live with him anymore. I know she feels sorry for him. Addiction takes many victims, most of them very good folks. To Tired of 33, I know you'll get this: There is no reason we should support our grown kids AT ALL. Otherwise they are 33 and 36 and would still take our money if we gave it to them. It is best to cut THAT out early, as I learned the hard way! [/QUOTE]
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