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Did we overreact?
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<blockquote data-quote="MomOfFive" data-source="post: 629695" data-attributes="member: 18135"><p>His younger sister is 16. She and I have had to deal with a lot of this on our own as Dad was travelling for work and the others all live out-of-state. The son in college and him have not talked to one another because they do get violent with each other. Youngest says she's relieved, that she thought we were never going to address his issues -- says she's been sleeping with her dresser up against her door at night, thinking one of his druggy friends might break into the house. Ugh! I realize now how much I was kowtowing to my son -- and making her "keep the peace" -- she has suffered. </p><p>Dad and I are apparently not on the same page, maybe not even the same book. He was just letting things go, and go, and go. Son was not even speaking to Dad for the last month, intentionally avoiding him. Dad says to me today that he will not forgive me if this son does not "come back into the fold" -- so great, now my marriage will be a problem too? (The older children he step-parent adopted, and the younger two are his biological children. We have been married for 20 years.) Dad has been trying to back-pedal all day, starting with the text message. Dad told me that "if he is dead within the next 30 days that it's on you (me)" -- gosh, thanks. </p><p>I did say something "provoking" to our son last night when we were trying to talk to him, and he sat staring at the wall -- I said, "You are headed down a very dark path. You are not as smart as you think you are. You will get caught, arrested, and go to prison. As a good-looking young man, you will be raped in prison in addition to all the other aspects of losing your freedom." This is when he cussed and said that he, "ought to burn down the barn and kill all of (us) in our sleep." I think he mentioned the barn in case little sister was listening in, that she'd be afraid for the horses, but fortunately she did not hear as she was downstairs with her headphones on. I asked him to rescind his statement -- just hoping for even a hint of contrition, got zero. I know Dad was hoping for an apology or for him to say he did not mean it. I should be more sorry about what I said, but I was honestly trying to communicate as he does not seem to comprehend the consequences of what he is doing.</p><p>The older children have now talked to me and seem to think I "jumped the gun" -- that I didn't really think he'd hurt me or any of us. They also do not think he is an addictive personality -- that "a little weed" is not addictive -- and "shrooms are experimental" -- huh? Am I that out of touch? They know I would never have tolerated anything at all from any of them -- why are they taking his side? I'm not a drama type person, I'm not looking for drama -- really just hoping for my him to get on a good path and for our home to have some semblance of peace. When mentioning the Al-anon meetings, each said that the other parents will think I'm being ridiculous. However, one of my son's older friends (nice girl, a junior in college) contacted me and told me that "this may be what he needs to fly straight." She thinks he will. He called her early this morning to talk and said that he is scared, that he never thought that I would "kick him out". That he is angry that Dad and I don't care about him, or that he is safe. Dad says we should have waited -- when I ask, "Waited for when?" he does not have an answer.</p><p>I'm going to a meeting on Monday evening by myself even if I can't get Dad to come along...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MomOfFive, post: 629695, member: 18135"] His younger sister is 16. She and I have had to deal with a lot of this on our own as Dad was travelling for work and the others all live out-of-state. The son in college and him have not talked to one another because they do get violent with each other. Youngest says she's relieved, that she thought we were never going to address his issues -- says she's been sleeping with her dresser up against her door at night, thinking one of his druggy friends might break into the house. Ugh! I realize now how much I was kowtowing to my son -- and making her "keep the peace" -- she has suffered. Dad and I are apparently not on the same page, maybe not even the same book. He was just letting things go, and go, and go. Son was not even speaking to Dad for the last month, intentionally avoiding him. Dad says to me today that he will not forgive me if this son does not "come back into the fold" -- so great, now my marriage will be a problem too? (The older children he step-parent adopted, and the younger two are his biological children. We have been married for 20 years.) Dad has been trying to back-pedal all day, starting with the text message. Dad told me that "if he is dead within the next 30 days that it's on you (me)" -- gosh, thanks. I did say something "provoking" to our son last night when we were trying to talk to him, and he sat staring at the wall -- I said, "You are headed down a very dark path. You are not as smart as you think you are. You will get caught, arrested, and go to prison. As a good-looking young man, you will be raped in prison in addition to all the other aspects of losing your freedom." This is when he cussed and said that he, "ought to burn down the barn and kill all of (us) in our sleep." I think he mentioned the barn in case little sister was listening in, that she'd be afraid for the horses, but fortunately she did not hear as she was downstairs with her headphones on. I asked him to rescind his statement -- just hoping for even a hint of contrition, got zero. I know Dad was hoping for an apology or for him to say he did not mean it. I should be more sorry about what I said, but I was honestly trying to communicate as he does not seem to comprehend the consequences of what he is doing. The older children have now talked to me and seem to think I "jumped the gun" -- that I didn't really think he'd hurt me or any of us. They also do not think he is an addictive personality -- that "a little weed" is not addictive -- and "shrooms are experimental" -- huh? Am I that out of touch? They know I would never have tolerated anything at all from any of them -- why are they taking his side? I'm not a drama type person, I'm not looking for drama -- really just hoping for my him to get on a good path and for our home to have some semblance of peace. When mentioning the Al-anon meetings, each said that the other parents will think I'm being ridiculous. However, one of my son's older friends (nice girl, a junior in college) contacted me and told me that "this may be what he needs to fly straight." She thinks he will. He called her early this morning to talk and said that he is scared, that he never thought that I would "kick him out". That he is angry that Dad and I don't care about him, or that he is safe. Dad says we should have waited -- when I ask, "Waited for when?" he does not have an answer. I'm going to a meeting on Monday evening by myself even if I can't get Dad to come along... [/QUOTE]
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