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Did we overreact?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 629700" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hon, it sounds like, unfortunately, your family is like mine. They blamed me for the extreme dysfunction in the family. It was all my fault. I caused it. I caused problems that didn't exist. It was all me. Perhaps your husband and you SHOULD not be together. Is he the one influencing them to turn on YOU? On WHAT planet is your son behaving normally? Go to an Al-Anon meeting. They will not think you are overreacting. They will think you are afraid...and have already put up with so much from most of your family members. When an adult child threatens to burn down the barn, you don't know if he means it or not and it's horrifying for anyone to EVER threaten to burn ANYTHING. It shows how dangerous his mind is operating. It may not even be just the drugs. It could be his personality and only he can go for help and it doesn't sound like he wants to. And it sounds like your husband is catering to this budding criminal for whatever reason. Is he his bio. son? I didn't get the entire dynamics. If so, he is probably feeling guilty about him because of his divorce, remarriage or maybe because he was an As******e to his other wife too and even to him. It's silly to analyze it. I don't think divorce is a good answer. Sometimes, however, it is the only one. This man has no right judging you while blaming YOU for his son's criminality.in my opinion your son is using more than just weed. I thought my daughter was too, but she was doing way more and told me the extent after she quit. It was mindboggling how she had fooled us. </p><p></p><p>If he ends up dead tomorrow, which has never happened on my over a decade on this board (threats only), it is your son's decision, not your fault. Of course anyone's child can kill himself, but most don't talk about it if they are going to do it and many are not in trouble and shock their parents. It is simply something that THEY choose to do and, again, I can not recall a time one of our difficult children did that. If I am wrong, please correct me, friends. Many have made often bogus attempts like taking a bottle of aspirin which won't kill you (and they know it), but I can't recall any of them really doing it.</p><p></p><p>You need to step back and think about what you are hearing and what people are saying to you. In dysfunctional families, there is usually the one person everyone gangs up on. In my family it was me. I had to learn that I was not the crazy one. I was seeing things straight. THEY were in denial. Anyone who thinks your son deserves to live at home under the circumstances he is presenting is awfully brave (and I also think not too bright). He is a risk to you, his doting father, and his younger sister, as well as any pets you may have.</p><p></p><p>Do go to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting, and like COM said, not just once. Go four or five times to get used to them. The first time may not click, but fifth time will, if you are going to respond to it. This mess is not your fault and you should be working hard on detaching from your family dysfunction and learning how to handle it so that you can live a fruitful and happy life...and emotionally push away the nonsense your family is throwing at you. You can not change any of them at all. You have 0% control over anyone else on earth, EXCEPT YOURSELF. You can learn to change your reactions and what to say to calm the storm in your head and gut and, in the end, what you want for YOUR life. YOU matter. You matter as much as all of the rest of them do, including self-righteous husband and your children. YOU deserve a wonderful rest of your life. Only YOU can give it to you. And you do that by getting therapy and going to Al-Anon or other meetings and learning that you are the one who sees what is going on without rose colored glasses and blinders.</p><p></p><p>Go to the meeting with or without anyone else. I like all women meetings myself. I go there to help me heal. I tend to let others blame me for things I am not responsible for, but I am so much better now. And I am reaching some sort of serenity, which is just awesome. I am loving life, but it took hard work, detaching from some, totally going no contact with other really mean people (some relatives) and just letting go of the anger and allowing whatever is going to be to be.</p><p></p><p>"God (if you believe in him) give me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change,</p><p>The Courage to change the things I can't,</p><p>And the Wisdom to know the difference."</p><p></p><p>I think this bit of wisdom is great even if you do not have a higher power.</p><p></p><p>You start taking good care of YOU. We are here as a crisis center 24/7, 365 days a year. We can not replace Al-Anon or a therapist or another good group meeting, but we are always willing to listen and support you. You matter. You are enough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 629700, member: 1550"] Hon, it sounds like, unfortunately, your family is like mine. They blamed me for the extreme dysfunction in the family. It was all my fault. I caused it. I caused problems that didn't exist. It was all me. Perhaps your husband and you SHOULD not be together. Is he the one influencing them to turn on YOU? On WHAT planet is your son behaving normally? Go to an Al-Anon meeting. They will not think you are overreacting. They will think you are afraid...and have already put up with so much from most of your family members. When an adult child threatens to burn down the barn, you don't know if he means it or not and it's horrifying for anyone to EVER threaten to burn ANYTHING. It shows how dangerous his mind is operating. It may not even be just the drugs. It could be his personality and only he can go for help and it doesn't sound like he wants to. And it sounds like your husband is catering to this budding criminal for whatever reason. Is he his bio. son? I didn't get the entire dynamics. If so, he is probably feeling guilty about him because of his divorce, remarriage or maybe because he was an As******e to his other wife too and even to him. It's silly to analyze it. I don't think divorce is a good answer. Sometimes, however, it is the only one. This man has no right judging you while blaming YOU for his son's criminality.in my opinion your son is using more than just weed. I thought my daughter was too, but she was doing way more and told me the extent after she quit. It was mindboggling how she had fooled us. If he ends up dead tomorrow, which has never happened on my over a decade on this board (threats only), it is your son's decision, not your fault. Of course anyone's child can kill himself, but most don't talk about it if they are going to do it and many are not in trouble and shock their parents. It is simply something that THEY choose to do and, again, I can not recall a time one of our difficult children did that. If I am wrong, please correct me, friends. Many have made often bogus attempts like taking a bottle of aspirin which won't kill you (and they know it), but I can't recall any of them really doing it. You need to step back and think about what you are hearing and what people are saying to you. In dysfunctional families, there is usually the one person everyone gangs up on. In my family it was me. I had to learn that I was not the crazy one. I was seeing things straight. THEY were in denial. Anyone who thinks your son deserves to live at home under the circumstances he is presenting is awfully brave (and I also think not too bright). He is a risk to you, his doting father, and his younger sister, as well as any pets you may have. Do go to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting, and like COM said, not just once. Go four or five times to get used to them. The first time may not click, but fifth time will, if you are going to respond to it. This mess is not your fault and you should be working hard on detaching from your family dysfunction and learning how to handle it so that you can live a fruitful and happy life...and emotionally push away the nonsense your family is throwing at you. You can not change any of them at all. You have 0% control over anyone else on earth, EXCEPT YOURSELF. You can learn to change your reactions and what to say to calm the storm in your head and gut and, in the end, what you want for YOUR life. YOU matter. You matter as much as all of the rest of them do, including self-righteous husband and your children. YOU deserve a wonderful rest of your life. Only YOU can give it to you. And you do that by getting therapy and going to Al-Anon or other meetings and learning that you are the one who sees what is going on without rose colored glasses and blinders. Go to the meeting with or without anyone else. I like all women meetings myself. I go there to help me heal. I tend to let others blame me for things I am not responsible for, but I am so much better now. And I am reaching some sort of serenity, which is just awesome. I am loving life, but it took hard work, detaching from some, totally going no contact with other really mean people (some relatives) and just letting go of the anger and allowing whatever is going to be to be. "God (if you believe in him) give me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, The Courage to change the things I can't, And the Wisdom to know the difference." I think this bit of wisdom is great even if you do not have a higher power. You start taking good care of YOU. We are here as a crisis center 24/7, 365 days a year. We can not replace Al-Anon or a therapist or another good group meeting, but we are always willing to listen and support you. You matter. You are enough. [/QUOTE]
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