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Did we overreact?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 629725" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Fear. That's fear talking. Irrational fear and what in the world are we going to do with him fear, I don't know what to do, so I'm going to quick! blame the person who is setting the boundary. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Fear. That's fear talking. If I can paint a picture of his future, maybe that will provide the shock therapy he needs to do something different. I am scared to death for my son, and I'm just saying the strongest words I know to say right now. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course they do. They are minimizing and aiming it all at again---the person who has set the boundary.</p><p></p><p>Cloud and Townsend, in Boundaries (greatest book ever!) say: Get Ready! Because when you set a boundary and say No More. They are not going to like it at all. They are going to say and do the most outrageous things to let you know how much they don't like it. Because you have CHANGED THE RULES OF THE GAME. And now nobody feels safe and nobody knows what to say and do so they're going to strike out at YOU. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Best thing I have heard so far, in terms of his future. He needs to be scared. The fact that he was able to say that to someone is huge. True potential here for him, and for you. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep. You know, your gut---where the truth really lies---is telling you that something is very, very wrong here. Everybody, including your difficult child, will try to tell you you're crazy, it's just, it's only, get with the program, Mom, everybody does it, no big deal, what's all the fuss about? If you listen to them enough, you'll start to feel crazy yourself, and you'll start to agree with them, because you know what? It's easier. It's easier to keep doing what you have been doing, and take it all on YOU, than to say, you know what, folks, this isn't working for me. You have to have a support system now---of people who have been there and done that---like us on this forum, like the people in Al-Anon, like therapists and other support groups, and books, and online readings, and meditation and prayer and there are so many tools you can use to help yourself cope with all of this, that YOU never wanted or wished or did anything to cause, but it is here and it's happening, and denying it isn't going to make it go away. </p><p></p><p>You're not crazy. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Even if your Higher Power is Nature or the Cosmos or The Universe, or the goodness in people or a doorknob, you know and I know we can't do this alone. We have to have help. That is what this prayer is talking about. I believe in God, a loving, kind and benevolent Creator, but that is just me. Don't let your belief system and faith or lack of faith get in the way of laying it all at the feet of your Higher Power, because you can't make this situation right yourself. Sadly, you can't. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very, very telling, and when you start to falter, remember what she said. She had her dresser up against the door. That is a fact. That isn't the house you want her to live in, and so something has to change. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep, over and over and over and over and over again we did these things. You would not believe the number of contracts, agreements, talks, consequences, rules made and rules broken, lies---I could go on forever---that I have done with my difficult child over the past million years. I pray that there is something that stops your difficult child in his tracks, and makes him start a new life over again today, but if that doesn't happen, in order to stay sane, you will have to set boundaries and make decisions for yourself. </p><p></p><p>Today I am living by the 51% rule. I am 1% more important than he is. That has been a long, long time in the making.</p><p></p><p>You are at the right place. We respect any and all decisions you will make, no matter what they are. You are a grown adult, and you have the absolute right to do whatever you decide to do, regardless of whether anybody else on the planet agrees with it or not. You can change your mind at any time. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs and prayers and hope from me to you. Please keep sharing with us. We get it. We care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 629725, member: 17542"] Fear. That's fear talking. Irrational fear and what in the world are we going to do with him fear, I don't know what to do, so I'm going to quick! blame the person who is setting the boundary. Fear. That's fear talking. If I can paint a picture of his future, maybe that will provide the shock therapy he needs to do something different. I am scared to death for my son, and I'm just saying the strongest words I know to say right now. Of course they do. They are minimizing and aiming it all at again---the person who has set the boundary. Cloud and Townsend, in Boundaries (greatest book ever!) say: Get Ready! Because when you set a boundary and say No More. They are not going to like it at all. They are going to say and do the most outrageous things to let you know how much they don't like it. Because you have CHANGED THE RULES OF THE GAME. And now nobody feels safe and nobody knows what to say and do so they're going to strike out at YOU. Best thing I have heard so far, in terms of his future. He needs to be scared. The fact that he was able to say that to someone is huge. True potential here for him, and for you. Yep. You know, your gut---where the truth really lies---is telling you that something is very, very wrong here. Everybody, including your difficult child, will try to tell you you're crazy, it's just, it's only, get with the program, Mom, everybody does it, no big deal, what's all the fuss about? If you listen to them enough, you'll start to feel crazy yourself, and you'll start to agree with them, because you know what? It's easier. It's easier to keep doing what you have been doing, and take it all on YOU, than to say, you know what, folks, this isn't working for me. You have to have a support system now---of people who have been there and done that---like us on this forum, like the people in Al-Anon, like therapists and other support groups, and books, and online readings, and meditation and prayer and there are so many tools you can use to help yourself cope with all of this, that YOU never wanted or wished or did anything to cause, but it is here and it's happening, and denying it isn't going to make it go away. You're not crazy. Even if your Higher Power is Nature or the Cosmos or The Universe, or the goodness in people or a doorknob, you know and I know we can't do this alone. We have to have help. That is what this prayer is talking about. I believe in God, a loving, kind and benevolent Creator, but that is just me. Don't let your belief system and faith or lack of faith get in the way of laying it all at the feet of your Higher Power, because you can't make this situation right yourself. Sadly, you can't. This is very, very telling, and when you start to falter, remember what she said. She had her dresser up against the door. That is a fact. That isn't the house you want her to live in, and so something has to change. Yep, over and over and over and over and over again we did these things. You would not believe the number of contracts, agreements, talks, consequences, rules made and rules broken, lies---I could go on forever---that I have done with my difficult child over the past million years. I pray that there is something that stops your difficult child in his tracks, and makes him start a new life over again today, but if that doesn't happen, in order to stay sane, you will have to set boundaries and make decisions for yourself. Today I am living by the 51% rule. I am 1% more important than he is. That has been a long, long time in the making. You are at the right place. We respect any and all decisions you will make, no matter what they are. You are a grown adult, and you have the absolute right to do whatever you decide to do, regardless of whether anybody else on the planet agrees with it or not. You can change your mind at any time. Warm hugs and prayers and hope from me to you. Please keep sharing with us. We get it. We care. [/QUOTE]
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