Did you know that foster parents allow their charges to have sex if they "need" to?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, May 14, 2010.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    That is Kanga's latest fantasy. Because we insist that she remain in residential, she has asked that she be allowed to return to foster care because a foster mom would know that she needs to have sex and wouldn't try and control her choices like we do. We need to accept that she is going to sleep her way into a gang and live in the ghetto.

    With those goals, no wonder I'm a proud mama. :faint:
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    :holymoly: :faint:

    She really is delusional, huh? I'm sorry, JJJ. Is there no medication adjustment available to address this ongoing problem she has? Or is the psychiatrist resigned to this fantastical mental state as the eternal status quo?
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry. She has been delusional for so long now. I know it is very hard on you. (((((hugs)))))

    What does the psychiatrist say about these delusions? She seems to have such a very skewed view of reality. Do medications help at all? Do you think she will be dangerous to the family after she turns 18? I know she has been violent before.

    Hopefully she seems so delusional that the system doesn't give you problems by refusing to keep her in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or a long term care facility of some kind.

    I can never figure out why gangs and early sex are so appealing to many kids. Neither one made sense when I was a teen. Or at any age.
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    We had been talking about medication adjustments for a while. She had a medication change back in September and we upped her Abilify again in March. The psychiatrist at the current Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is very conservative. Since she will be going to the new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in less than a month, the decision was made to let them work on medication changes after she settles in there. Current medications do not seem to help at all.

    She most definitely has the potential to be dangerous to us forever. We plan on setting her up in (hopefully) a supported living home or an apartment far away from us. The scariest thing will be if any of the younger children want to be in contact with her after they turn 18. Her current case manager said she made it very clear to new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that Kanga's 'real' goal is not reunification (even though that has to be the goal on paper). She said she told them that she thought Kanga would be a serious threat to our family for a long time and that she thinks she will become more dangerous and delusional over the next few years. Current Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is closing and her case manager may be going to work at the new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - which will be wonderful.

    Luckily, we are at the beginning of our funding cycle so new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) has 8 months to get to know the real Kanga before their report recommending an additional year of funding is due. Kanga will manipulate staff and convince them she is sweet and innocent and just has mean parents. I will work very closely with the therapist and case manager to make sure that they see through the act.

    The early sex and gang involvement, at least for Kanaga, is because her sense of identity is so unstable. She defines herself by her companions. If she has sex with lots of boys, she will feel popular and loved. If she is in a gang, she will feel cool and strong. We have been VERY blunt with her about what people will really think of her if she jumps into a gang.

    The only possible postive of her being this manic is maybe, just maybe new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will see it before she pulls out her sweet angel act.
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I agree that the hope would be the new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) sees Kanga for who she is. But I send hugs for this level of delusion - it can't be easy to watch.

  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    She may have heard this information from someone with experience with adult group homes.During my active years in State advocacy I was surprised to find that sexual activity is acceptedand the two goals are for clients to understand "privacy" and "healthy safe sex". Once I thought about it...it made sense. Just because you are developmentally delayed or have mental health issues you still have natural instincts to have sexual activity. In as safe and controlled way as possible, this is often an accepted behavior in residential treatment facilities.No...I'm surely not suggest that her ideas are sound. Just think that "maybe" she heard or read that adults in care can activate on urges if they "need to". DDD
  8. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    She has "needed" sex since she was 10. I agree DDD that she is hearing this from someone. Likely the new boy she has attached herself to. She has been so completely supervised since age 10 that I am 99.9% sure that she has never had sex with a boy, course that meant she did with girls when she could. Hypersexuality, limited impulse control and low self-esteem are a bad combination.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JJJ...I think you have a really good idea about why she is looking for love in all the wrong places. I have no experience with gangs so I cant speak on that. However, I didnt have that strong attachment or feeling that I was loved at home and I went looking for sex from boys to make me think I was loved from them. All a boy had to do was tell me they loved me and I would have sex. Now Im not saying you dont love her or anything like that but she has a skewed or delusional perception of the world so she sees it that way.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Ughh!! What a hard thing to hear!

    She seems so determined to self-destruct.....and wonders why you won't support her in that choice. Hopefully, the next Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will be able to make some progress with her way of thinking...
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    The next Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is much larger (140 residents and 80 day students) compared to current Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (at most 20 residents and 40 day students, currently at 3 residents and 35 day students due to residence closing this summer).

    New Residential Treatment Center (RTC) has approximetly 80 wards and 60 kids on other funding. Kanga's unit has 4 wards, 4 on school district funding and 3+Kanga on the "impaired reality grant". Many of the children are from Chicago and Kanga is going to be drawn to what she calls "the ghetto kids" cause she feels that since her birthmom lives/lived in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Chicago and since Kanga lived there until she was almost 6 that she "belongs" there. She needs the services provided by this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but the drawbacks are there -- too many boys and too many street smart kids (Kanga is going to get chewed up and spit out if she tries to run with them. Despite her fondest wishes, she is not that tough.)
  12. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    JJJ.... gosh, I just don't know what to say. I hope staff at new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) are hearing your concerns about all this and are vigilant. I still wrack my brains, trying to figure out what we could have done differently as thank you hit his mid teen years. It really seems that the kids are in the driver's seat and of course the choices they make are just the pits. It's absolutely exhausting trying to protect them from themselves.

    Is this new Residential Treatment Center (RTC) one with- the voc ed programs (I think it was auto shop, greenhouse, woodwork shop)? I've often thought that in a more structured program and geographically secluded area, thank you *might* have made some better choices just because the lousy choices weren't as readily available... but I don't know.

    I'll keep my fingers crossed that Kanga starts to see other possibilities for her life.
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Hi Sue,

    Yes, the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that starts with an A. I'm sure that the staff and we will go through a learning curve as we establish a working relationship. We had trouble at the beginning of the last two RTCs because Kanga drew 1 staff into her little world and it took forever to get through to them. (In fact at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) #1, we never did get a working relationship as the therapist refused to talk to us!)

    Kanga seems to be calmer today, just very narcacisstic. They sent two staff members with on her outing (usually its 1:1) but no problems.
  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm not sure if I have just become very good at detachment or if I have "caught" Kanga's Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). While I appreciate the hugs and support, the only emotion I still feel wrt Kanga is fear. I feel more like her case manager than her mother. My job is to advocate for her to get appropriate treatment for her issues because (1) I committed to raise her when we adopted her (2) I am hoping to make her safer so she doesn't hurt my children, husband or me.

    If she does run, I have no plans to drive out by Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to look for her. In fact I plan on bringing a picture of her to our local police and ask that they keep an extra eye on our house due to her threats.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JJJ....honestly, I dont blame you a bit for your feelings. I can understand why you feel this way. I think if you didnt have some sort of this feeling it wouldnt be normal.
  16. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    JJJ, I am so sorry. I feel so badly for you and hope things work out as soon as possible. Many hugs. Hang in there.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Your feelings are totally normal in this situation. She hasn't been part of the family for a lot longer than she's been gone. She has been a very real threat to the health and safety of the family for longer than she has been gone.

    Alerting the police would be a very good idea if she ever gets free. Lets hope she is too focused on sex to bother with seeking y'all out to harm you when/if she runs away.
  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I spoke with the school today. They had the counselor talk to her "new boyfriend" - you know the one she is running away with to have unlimited sex. The boy had no idea what she was talking about (par for the course with her). So I guess I do not have to worry about him picking her up any time soon. Principal also said he doubts the boy has access to a car, is a wannabe but not in a gang and not a typical kid that a gang would want anyway.

    She is still very unstable and made suicidal threats last night so she is on close supervision. They evaluated twice in the last week for possible hospitalization but both times they thought she could be safe at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It would shock me if we could get through the summer without another psychiatric hospital stay.