did you know that when difficult child..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Jan 15, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    loses work it is all YOUR fault!! this was the root of an outburst in our entire household Monday night. His notebook with the data in for the science fair mysteriously disappeared. All was fine until he got in my face and said it was all MY fault. followed by husband backing him up. I tried to explain it is his responsibility not mine. followed by an hour or two of screaming at the top of our lungs. We all literally lost our voice.

    I can't take feeling like this and being the bad guy always. I can't take being left out of everything except the fights, then being told it is My fault and I enjoy it. Not to mention start it. My heart hurts. Even if I leave my heart will hurt and I can't take that pain. The only option to stop my heart from hurting are thoughts that I know are wrong. I wonder if they would even know.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for your pain. You are being and have been so emotionally abused. Do you have an appointment. with a therapist scheduled? If not please call today. Please, please take care of you.If you did leave, yes your heart would hurt at first. It would start to heal. You do not deserve to be treated like this and need to get help from a therapist. Sending many prayers and gentle hugs your way.
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Kjs, I'm sorry you are struggling. I agree with Sharon about talking to a therapist.

    You know, this same situation happened with M yesterday. She had done her math homework the night before and then couldn't find it when she packed up her binder for school yesterday morning. She started screaming at me that I had moved it or thrown it away. I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Do you want me to help you look for it?" Sure, I was hurt that she blamed me, but I kept reminding myself, "This is her anxiety talking." It becomes like a mantra to me and helps me depersonalize the situation. We never did find her homework so I offered to write an email to her teacher, who wrote back, "No problem" and allowed M to redo the homework at the start of class. I know M is in elementary school and your difficult child is in high school, but I'm trying to model problem-solving with M rather than blame-throwing. It's hard to do at the heat of the moment, but I think it's a win-win situation when parents can guide their children to soutions.

    I hope you can find someone to talk to soon. Hugs.
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Yea, difficult child re does a lot of homework. I see him do it, but it never makes it to the "in" box. Heck he can leave a class and lose it before he leaves the building.

    This just wasn't homework, it was a science fair project which was mandatory for all honors students. It was assigned in September. I offered many, many times to sit down and put it together with him. Nope. Waited until the day before it was due then realized his data was missing. I found it eventually, mixed in with a lot of other papers. He spent hours putting his board together and rehearsing what to say to the judges. Then they cancelled the Science fair due to weather. !!

    Doesn't excuse everything else he loses. Teachers started emailing me homework and worksheets after they have given him 2 or three. So, needless to say all his work is late, even when he does do it.
  5. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    Yes, I also constantly get blamed for any and everything that bothers my difficult child's. You make so many sacrifices and only get the blame. For me what helps the most is not lessening to it. Bite my toung and walk away. The only reason we did not also have a screaming match last night was because when he slammed the door in my face I just turned and left. (Got my husband, who went back and dealt with him). difficult child was very angry I just left, but calmed down before the morning came. Then I tell my self (over and over) it is his disorder which is nothing I can control. It hurts but when he is not acting rational arguing won't help, only grind it in deeper. That said, when he follows me around pushing all the buttons (and he knows were they are), it is very hard not to respond so you can't be perfect and don't worry if your not.

    Your thoughts are scarry and won't help you help your difficult child. Please do get some support for that.
  6. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Everything is always someone else's fault here where D is concerned LOL! That's nothing new. I'm sorry they are emotionally traumatizing you with this. It's not fair.

    Can you ignore the argument? I like Smallworld's "I'm sorry you feel that way" - asking if they'd like your help - I've started doing that, too. It's so hard to stay calm, though. Egad! Thank God for Xanex :)

    If nothing else, maybe you can just walk away. Lock yourself in the bathroom until all is settled. It's not fair for you to take the hits all the time.

    Sounds like you need some support for YOU, too. I hope you're able to get some.
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Both my kids are the same. I think they are at such a loss of how to handle that dilema that they try to force the problem onto our plates. Instead of, "How can I help get myself out of this?" they are saying, "Who can I get to do this for me?"

    You know, your difficult child is old enough to see you as a person. I think it would be o.k. to actually say, "You are not to treat me like this. I am a person too. I try my best! It is time for you to show respect!" Take the focus off the lost item and put it on how he is treating you. Like marf_glass, try walking away. If he follows and keeps badgering say, "When you are able to calm down and ask me politely for help, then I will help you." Though I know that is very hard - my kids are both badgers. If I don't take their problem away from them, they will chase me down and keep trying to push it on to me. I usually end up saying, "You know, I really don't care if you don't find the item. I refuse to be treated like this so you can leave me out of it and get your F. You can tell the teacher whatever you want - see if she agrees it is my fault because YOU lost your work." Usually when I suggest my kids tell the teacher how rotten I am about loosing their work or it is my fault they didn't do it, it angers them. They know the teacher will not put up with that nonsense.

    So, in a nutshell, their behaviour in how they ask for help is more important at this point than receiving the help. That is how kids learn to badger and mistreat us. We look at the issue they want us to (the lost item) and tend to ignore the abuse going on. Your conversation like many of mine, "You lost it!" "No, I did not! It is YOUR responsibility, not your mom's." Then we help look, most likely while still screaming and hollering because there is a time issue involved. I wish I would have recognized this when non-easy child diva was younger. This IS their responsibility so we really don't have to help them find the item while being abused. We can make them take a break and address their lack of respect at the time.

    I believe my kids are bad at finding things because they have gotten into the habit that it doesn't matter where they put it, mom will find it when needed. They don't learn organizational skills of always having one place to put it so it is there when they need it.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry. Esp that husband backs up difficult child in this irrationality. You are being emotionallly abused. PLEASE, I am BEGGING you to seek professional help. I know those thoughts. They are scary and painful. When you have them it is time to get professional help. We can give you all kinds of support here, but with those thoughts you simply MUST have a professional in the picture.

    If your budget is strained then you totally qualify for services from a Domestic Violence Shelter. What you are going through IS Domestic Violence, even though it is not physical at this time, as far as I know. DV will have individual and group therapy, and all kinds of other support.

    PLEASE get help. You are too special and wonderful a person to have to endure this abuse and the scary thoughts that come up with it.

    Love you,

  9. Actually, my easy child is more likely to blame me when things go wrong than difficult child. I'm apparently responsible for everything in the universe and I am supposed to be perfect in every way. Not practically perfect like Mary Poppins; just plain perfect. I attribute a lot of this to the age (10 going on 15) and generally don't take it personally even though it is meant that way.

    I usually (not always successful since I'm actually NOT perfect) point out that there doesn't have to be a bad guy and let's just solve the problem, as opposed to arguing the point and making her admit it was really her responsibility. Later on, I'll point out that she's responsible for her schoolwork and let's put it in a good place, etc. At any rate, as a rule I don't take personal abuse, solve her problem for her, or engage in the argument. I'll admit to occasionally participating in a screamfest but really try not to engage.

    Remember, God made teenagers so you're not sorry when they leave.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    And here I thought God made teenagers so there would be a use for all those orange barrels.
  11. OK, I guess I'm stupid tonight. What's with the orange barrels? I don't get it. :p
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    As a child, on any road trip we usually drove all night. One of us kids would stay up front with a parent, usually me with Dad and bro with Mom because Dad and bro argued too much for us to sleep.

    My Dad always pointed out the orange barrels and said that they were what you did with kids when they hit their teens and were in that awful stage. It was a running family joke between us. So many orange barrels, so many teens.
  13. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I am glad someone asked about the orange barrels. Thought about that all day.