Didn't want it to come to this, might be asking difficult child to leave

[toughlovin]

He may have been serious about quitting at first and when they moved in, but at some point he relapsed and kept using. When an addict is using their most important relationship is with the drug and that becomes thier first priority....and so they do all kinds of things to keep the relationship going with the substance. When that is going on their families, even their children do not come first.

I think your daughter in law is doing the right thing to tell him he has to leave.

And this is not her fault, and it is not your fault either!

TL

 

[Childofmine]

Your son is still in there somewhere but he has been completely taken over by the 40 foot tall monster. Make no mistake about it---his #1 goal in life is getting his drugs and he will do anything he has to do to get them.

Don't make the mistake of trusting this person at all. I am so sorry. Until he truly wants to find his way back to himself again, nothing will change.

Start thinking about yourselves again. Work on letting go and letting God. We are here for you and we get it.

 

[Origami]

We finally asked him to leave last night after daughter in law revealed the he had told her he shot up heroin in our bathroom and used one of our kitchen spoons for the process.

difficult child took his kids to their classes at the park on Saturday morning and didn't return home. daughter in law's sister picked them up from the park as planned and they spent the night with her, and daughter in law spent the night with her parents. Sunday morning, daughter in law called us to tell difficult child to come and pick up the kids because the younger one was sick. I told her he hadn't been home, and she was surprised. She said he wasn't answering his phone.

Later he told her his phone was out of power and that he had gone to see a friend and fell asleep. He showed up to pick up the kids, and daughter in law's sister wouldn't let him have them because she thought he was high. He came home yesterday and went straight to his room and slept all day.

So in the evening, my daughter, husband, and daughter in law joined me in the living room to talk to difficult child. I took the lead (surprised myself) and told him that because of his ongoing drug use we were going to have to ask him to leave. I reminded him that we had mentioned this would happen, and asked him if he remembered that conversation. He nodded yes. I told him we all loved him, and it had nothing to do with that, and listed all the people who care about him. It was a matter of legality and safety, and we hated seeing him do this to himself but we couldn't have it around us or the kids.

husband asked him why he returned to heroin after he had been clean on house arrest and after the hospital. He said "I don't know." I told him he could spend the night (last night) but he needs to leave today. He said he had already planned to get an apartment on his next payday, which is Friday. I asked what he intended to do in the meantime, and he said he didn't have anywhere to stay. I said he'll need to figure something out, then. His wife had a few things to say, and she's very teary eyed about the whole matter but trying to hold it together. I asked difficult child if he had anything to say to us, and he said no.

He gave the kids their baths and put them to bed, but didn't say anything to us. He left the house this morning for work and didn't say anything.

I kept waking up last night feeling sick to my stomach about this whole thing. I read somewhere that a heroin addict needs a safe, supportive environment away from the streets to get better, and I feel like I just kicked him out into the worst environment. daughter in law said she's afraid he'll try to stay in one of the men's hotel/apartments that are super cheap but swarming with drugs and addicts. I said, "Well, he's managed to find drugs living here where there aren't any other drug addicts, so I don't think it matters." I keep visualizing him shooting up in our bathroom, and then I think I did the right thing.

He's not gone yet, but husband and I will both be home when he gets off work this evening. I've got an old suitcase I'll offer him. I think if he can manage to stay out all night with his friend, he can probably stay there a few days until he can get an apartment.

 

[Childofmine]

Warm hugs from me to you right now. What you did last night is so very hard to do, and then, like you did, you lie in bed and question every word, every nuance, every other thing you possibly could do and could have done.

I asked difficult child if he had anything to say to us, and he said no.

He didn't say please help me, I want to change, and I can't do it on my own. That would have completely changed everything that followed.

What he did say when asked is: "I don't know." The real answer is, because the drugs right now mean more to me than anything else in my life.

I read somewhere that a heroin addict needs a safe, supportive environment away from the streets to get better,

Reference the above. Until he truly wants to stop, the environment doesn't matter. You were 100 percent correct in saying he found drugs while staying in your house so that proves the point.

I keep visualizing him shooting up in our bathroom, and then I think I did the right thing.

You did do the right thing. Often, Origami, the right thing is the hardest thing. The wrong thing is very often the easier thing.

Telling your own son to leave your house is one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. I know you have done it before, and I'm just so sorry you are right now having to do it again.

I so agree that giving him an old suitcase, and some provisions, whatever those may be, is another humane thing to do.

He is not a bad person. He is a good person in the iron grip of a terrible, awful disease that will only end in jail, death or a mental institution if he can't somehow find a way to stop.

Leaving him to his own devices as much as you possibly can is the way to free up space and distance and a chance for him to hit rock bottom and decide he wants to change.

You are doing the right thing. That is why it is so so so so so so hard. It literally wrenches your heart from your chest while doing it, and after, but it is the right thing, in my humble opinion.

You are going to feel awful about this. Remember: Feelings Aren't Facts. Think about that phrase a lot and work to live into it. Meaning: feel your feelings but don't act on them. Let time go by. Wait. Silence is your best friend right now. Hit the pillow, walk around the block 100 times, cry your eyes out. Feel your feelings. But don't act on them.

Keep posting here. We get it and we care about you and about him.

 

[Jabberwockey]

We finally asked him to leave last night after daughter in law revealed the he had told her he shot up heroin in our bathroom and used one of our kitchen spoons for the process.

As painful as this is, you did the right thing. If you consider NOTHING else, consider this; where is that spoon now? Do you really think an addict will be conscientious enough to wash the spoon or at least put it in the dishwasher? How much sleep do you think he would loose if you were to use that spoon, still with heroin on it, to eat a bowl of cereal and then you drove to work and were charged with a DUI? Not all of the dangers that difficult child's pose to us are emotional, monetary, or even physical.

Not trying to sound cold blooded here, just reminding you of the harsh reality that an addicts main thought process revolves around their next fix. Nothing else matters. Protect yourself and your family while giving him that chance to hit rock bottom and hopefully actually WANT to kick his habit.

 

[BusynMember]

Agree with COM and Jabber. You have swaddled him in love far beyond most kids get...he is 27. It hasn't made a stitch of difference. He has probably been using for a long time, in your house and maybe even at rehab. They find ways. He may have never quit. These are things you will never know because drug addicts don't care about being honest...they care about only the drug. They may have been nice once, but now they are in love with a drug. He should not be around the grands...that in my opinion is more important than whether or not he feels badly. You never know what the grands have seen and how it will affect them later. They are the ones who need protection, in my humble opinion. They need to be protected from HIM. What he drops something and doesn't know it and one of the kids ingests it? What if YOU get caught with drugs in your house?

Please know those of us who had had to tell a grown chld to leave, for any reason, understand your pain. The sad thing is, I doubt even one of our grown children who were asked to leave are thinking of the pain they have caused others. If your son were truly that caring right now, he would know it is best for him to separate himself from the kids. And daughter in law. And you and his father.And his brother. He is thinking of himself and is own comfort first.

Not trying to sound cold blooded here, just reminding you of the harsh reality that an addicts main thought process revolves around their next fix. Nothing else matters. Protect yourself and your family while giving him that chance to hit rock bottom and hopefully actually WANT to kick his habit.

Jabber is right. We are not talking about pot here. Or alcohol. We are talkie about heroin, the hardest drug to kick. Please don't allow him to not only ruin his own life, but ruin yours, DILs and the grands. Let him do this himself. He is old enough to make his own decisions. Rehabs are around and he can ask to go into one. But he's not asking.

Try an Al-Anon meeting. Please do something to help yourself. Be with others who are going through the same crapola.

 

[Origami]

Thanks for your support, everyone. It's so helpful and reassuring to know that others have been-there-done-that. You've all been with me through thick and thin, and I kept hoping things wouldn't get this bad. Your shared experiences make it all seem a little less scary. I feel like I've lost a son, and it actually was nice having him home and getting to know him somewhat before he relapsed. I know now that I was delaying the inevitable, but at the time I didn't know he was going to go off the deep end.

Leaving him to his own devices as much as you possibly can is the way to free up space and distance and a chance for him to hit rock bottom and decide he wants to change.
You are doing the right thing. That is why it is so so so so so so hard. It literally wrenches your heart from your chest while doing it, and after, but it is the right thing, in my humble opinion.

I think that "rock bottom" is a place he hasn't been yet. He's been in jail for short periods of time waiting to be bailed out, and had probation for his felonies. You'd think these incidents plus getting fired from some very good jobs (ie. the military, etc.) and overdosing would be rock bottom for some people, but not him. All these firings were drug-related in the sense of sporadic attendance, being late, and such. The military one was from testing positive for pot. I hate to be negative, but I feel like it's just a matter of time before he loses his current job.

As for the spoon, Jabber, he supposedly washed it and returned it to the silverware drawer. I've run everything through the dishwasher to be on the safe side. It is terrifying to think of what could happen if any of us and especially the little kids had got hold of it.

By the way, he hasn't been driving our vehicle at all anymore, and he's running all errands (picking up kids, etc.) on the bus.

Try an Al-Anon meeting. Please do something to help yourself. Be with others who are going through the same crapola.

MWM, I have found a Families Anonymous meeting that husband and I are going to try next week. My daughter said she will go with us, also. I think daughter in law might go, too, so maybe we'll just have the whole family there!

We've still got the hurdle of him actually leaving to go tonight, and hopefully it will happen without incident. He's usually not combative about things, so I'm hoping he's making some kind of plans today of whose couch he'll be sleeping on.

 

[Jabberwockey]

As for the spoon, Jabber, he supposedly washed it and returned it to the silverware drawer. I've run everything through the dishwasher to be on the safe side. It is terrifying to think of what could happen if any of us and especially the little kids had got hold of it.

Personally, I'd have probably just thrown them all away and bought new.

We've still got the hurdle of him actually leaving to go tonight, and hopefully it will happen without incident.

Good luck with that. I probably would have kicked him out when we talked to him but you do what works for you.

 

[Lil]

Origami, I'm so, so sorry. I know that this is so very hard on you. We put our son out for stealing, not drugs (though I'm sure some type are involved) but still, making your child leave your home rips your heart out.

ChildofMine said, "Feelings are not facts." This is so true and so important. Your feelings will be that YOU have done something wrong...but that is not true. The thing that will get you thru is remembering the facts. He is doing heroin in your home, where your grandchildren live. He has even stooped to using your silverware to do it. Your whole family could get in legal trouble for what he is doing. He is taking money that should be spent on his family, on his children to buy drugs. He is endangering you all. He is not asking for help. You were completely right when you said, "he's managed to find drugs living here where there aren't any other drug addicts". Remember that when your feelings tell you you've thrown him to the wolves. He is a grown man. He has made this choice. THAT is the truth.

You are in my prayers.

Stay strong.

 

[toughlovin]

Origami...like others I really believe you did the right thing....not only for you, daughter in law and the kids but for him too. We have just visited my difficult child who is doing a lot better. I talked with his girlfriend and she said he really likes having a roof over his head and she feels that is a motivating him to continue to do well. So my feeling is he absolutely knows that we will only help him when he is doing well himself. He knows that if he is not doing the right things we will not rescue him and that we will let him be homeless, on the streets or in jail. We don't want to do anything like that but we have in the past and we will do it again. Him knowing the alternatives helps motivate him to do right. Your son needs to learn you will not protect him from himself. If you let him continue to live there shooting heroin there will be no motivation for him to stop.

TL

 

[Origami]

Thanks Toughlovin, Lil, and everyone. The "kicking out" went smoother than I expected. He came over after he got off work and put the kids to bed. Didn't say a word to me or husband. His wife got home from work later, about 10:30 p.m. and I was on my computer in the living room and they were talking in the other part of the room. He had on his coat but I went to bed before he left.

This morning I asked daughter in law where he had stayed last night. She said he was going to ride the train all night since he didn't have a place to stay. He has court this morning and is supposed to go to work after that. So I guess he's officially homeless, temporarily at least. I didn't offer him any food last night and he didn't ask, which I feel kind-of bad about in retrospect.

 

[Lil]

I didn't offer him any food last night and he didn't ask, which I feel kind-of bad about in retrospect.

There is a lot you will feel bad about. Why do you think I kept giving my kid rides, buying him food, buying him thermal undies, buying him cigarettes, etc., after we kicked him out? Because I felt bad. I felt guilty. I felt like I should have done something more. I felt like him being homeless was my fault, because I put him out. I spoke the words and told him to leave. Jabber could have...but it needed to be me because I was always the one who forgave.

It was not and is not my fault. It was not and is not YOUR fault.

You have done all you can. If he was that worried about a place to sleep, he'd find a shelter. He managed to stay out all night a few days ago, right? He had all day to get his buddies on the phone and find a place to crash until payday. If he was hungry, he would have asked for food.

Hang in there! We're all here for you.

 

[dstc_99]

I agree you shouldn't feel bad. He has a job he could easily have paid for a hotel room. He chose to use his money elsewhere.

Honestly I hope court puts him in rehab or does something to get him the help he needs.

 

[BusynMember]

There are plenty of places to eat and sleep and he will learn where they are.

To me the most important thing is to keep him AWAY from the grandchildren. Think about it. Just because it makes us feel bad, is it fair to make the kids be around a drug addict?

If he wants to make his life better, he can do all he can to try to quit, even if he needs to use methadone, which at least could make him safe and functional. He is doing nothing to stop his need for heroin, which is not easy anyhow to quit. Until/unless he does, you definitely did the right thing. You saved those who need it the most...the grandchildren. If he was not your son, would you want him around and raising your grandchildren?

He is an adult and needs to take care of himself, however he chooses. His kids are little. They can't.

Hugs and you are very brave.

 

[Lil]

If he was not your son, would you want him around and raising your grandchildren?

THIS. An excellent point.

 

[Origami]

daughter in law had asked difficult child to come over to put the kids to bed last night, and he came in just a few minutes before their bedtime. He came in the living room and sat down with us. He said, "I wanted to say I'm sorry that I did drugs in your house." I said thanks for the apology. He then told us that his court case (for heroin possession) was settled yesterday and he got 2 years of probation. He said he'll be evaluated by somebody today and is going to tell them the truth about his drug addiction so he'll get court-mandated treatment. He said he lied when he was arrested before (over 3 years ago) so didn't get any treatment.

About this time in the conversation, my husband woke up from his easy-chair catnap, and I told him what difficult child just said. He said "That's good," and proceeded to ask if he wanted to move back in! daughter in law said, "No, he doesn't," and difficult child said he doesn't think it would be a good idea for him to live with us again because he was too comfortable doing drugs here (??!!). He has made arrangements to stay with a co-worker until he can rent an apartment, and has talked to his boss about his probation check-ins, etc.

He said he wants to get better because he doesn't want to lose his job, kids, family, etc. daughter in law got mad when he said that because he didn't lead off with "kids," but I said I felt like it all goes together because he can't take care of his kids without a job. I know she resents the fact that he's going to get an apartment no problem while she's scrambling trying to piece her paltry income together for something. I hope difficult child can see fit to help her out with that, but I'm not sure what they're working out. I would say it's none of my business, except that I would like to see daughter in law and the grandkids find a livable arrangement. My daughter said she's considering sharing an apartment with them if she can handle it financially by this summer.

Anyway, I'm not getting my hopes up too high, but this is literally the first time I've heard him even admit he has a problem or that he wants to quit the drugs. He said the conditions of his probation include weekly Narcotics Anonymous meetings, I assume in addition to whatever other treatment they prescribe after his evaluation. I'm not going to spend too much time analyzing everything he says and does, but will try to just be thankful that things seem to be headed away from the downward spiral "for today."

 

[stressedmama]

It made me smile to hear he apologized to you. That's HUGE in my book. And even bigger to actually admit he has a problem.

I hope and pray he gets the help he needs and does what it takes to get and stay clean this time.

Hugs!

 

[BusynMember]

I'm glad for you. However he needs to back it up with actions.

I'm appalled that your husband wanted him back at home living with the kids again, but I guess we are all different as to what we are ok with. That would never happen in our house. And if daughter in law wanted to be with him, she'd be free to go, since she's an adult, but the grandkids would not go anywhere with either of them.

Oragami, my guess is your son started taking drugs long ago. This isn't new. Nobody starts with heroin. It evolves. Usually starts with the more harmless pot and alcohol, then moves on up. This has been your son's life for a long, long time, even though you didn't know it.

Take one day at a time, one minute at a time, don't jump to excitement or hope yet...stay on an even keel for those grands...it is possible your son may never quit. His drug of choice is very serious. If he does, then you can change how to act around him, but right now...if it were me, the grands would be my first priority, not him. He is heading toward middle age and can decide for himself what he wants his life to look like. But the kids have been around him when he was high many times and they don't need that anymore.

I wish you a healing, peaceful heart in this very difficult journey. I hope you can use your head when you make decisions and use your heart only when you need to, but not as a decision maker. When you see your son, forget the little cute boy he used to be. He is a man now and not that little boy. We see that little boy in our difficult children far too often long after they are all grown up.

I wish all of your family lots and lots of luck.

 

[Origami]

Oragami, my guess is your son started taking drugs long ago. This isn't new. Nobody starts with heroin. It evolves. Usually starts with the more harmless pot and alcohol, then moves on up. This has been your son's life for a long, long time, even though you didn't know it.

MWM, I've been aware of difficult children drug use since he was first arrested for possession of marijuana at age 16. It's been no secret that he has tried many different drugs through the past 10+ years, but of course I wasn't necessarily privy to all this information as it was happening. By age 18 he was married, on his own, and taking care of his own problems until this latest bout with the heroin that started just over a year ago. So yes, there was more to his drug use than I was aware of, but I never thought he started with heroin. It was just more of a game-changer than the other things.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm sorry for all of it Origami,where you are is a terrible place to be. I believe you did the right thing and I'm glad he apologized, hopefully he will back up his statements with action.

Be very kind to yourself Origami, this is hard stuff. Take time to do nurturing things for yourself. You and husband and daughter in law and the children all have to recover and heal from this last go round. It takes time, all of you need to practice a lot of self care and self love. Hang in there. You're doing a very good job under extraordinary circumstances. Hugs to you Origmani..........