Hi. My brain is fried. Last night easy child 1 said the family prayer and this was it "Dear God, everyone in my family loves me except difficult child 1. He wants to kill me. That would make Mommy sad." Today the autism specialist came and easy child 1 told her that difficult child 1 picked up the piano bench and was going to kill her with it. Also last night difficult child 1 told me (right after he got home from visitation) he was going to throw himself off a cliff. When I pointed out there were no cliffs in the house he said he was going to hurt himself with one of the knives in the kitchen. X makes threats of suicide in order to control others. difficult child 1 is now doing it, too. I got to write an e-mail to the school telling them what we do when difficult child 1 does this. I'm sure this teacher is going to think I'm nuts. No, he didn't have fun at visitation even though he went to a water park. He says he didn't have fun because he wanted to stay at X's house and play video games instead. I don't believe it. difficult child 1 also has a stomach ache. He only gets those when he is worried. The director of children's services for our state mental health program is battling the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to try to get them to call DCFS about difficult child 1 not wanting visitation and fear of X. Today I called difficult child 1's therapist and talked about how my supervision isn't enough anymore. There is a new psychiatrist and we're going to set up an appointment. His office is going to call me when he has a schedule. New as in he was just hired and he doesn't have appointment times set up yet. He started one of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s around here (there are 3 within spitting distance of me) and got bored with retirement. He is going to be working part time. At least a very experienced psychiatrist is good news. I'm so tired I'm not thinking straight. I was up way to late last night on the computer trying to not feel anything. Every time I got off I'd start crying. It took forever to get to sleep. Today there is a mountain of housework to do and homeschooling and all I can muster is staring off into space trying not to cry.