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difficult child 1 has made it clear she wants nothing to do with us
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 641618" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>She is young. It is possible that by changing your responses, the dynamic of the relationship can change. Even just a little change is a welcome thing, when we are trying to help ourselves and our children.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Helping others does turn our pain into a different kind of energy. The hurt is still there, but we begin to feel less hopeless. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There are two great points here. One, that we can choose to push the pain away and two, that <em>the problem may not be of our making.</em> If there is a disorder of some kind at the heart of this, your child may not be able to change her behaviors. Our best response has to be to learn all we can about why this is happening and then, to change our responses.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is happening, sorry for the pain of it.</p><p></p><p>But you need to be strong, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Again, two great points. Acknowledging the child's right to erect whatever boundaries he or she feels are appropriate, and loving the child and ourselves enough to let go of the need to control the situation.</p><p></p><p>With love.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I like this because we parents need to know, in our deepest hearts, that our children may not be responding to us. They may be fighting an addiction or a personality disorder or a downright mental illness. Our job is to love them <em>and ourselves </em>strong and unshakably enough to get us all through this. A piece of that is to let go of judging either the child or ourselves.</p><p></p><p>And that is a very hard thing to do.</p><p></p><p>My first step seems to need to be to let go of my defensiveness, to let go of judging <em>myself</em>.<em> </em>It is hard to trust our core selves enough to love us all through it when everything seems so dark and I feel I should have been able to prevent it, somehow. We need to stay present. We need to learn all we can and then, proceed on that basis.</p><p></p><p>It's a matter of faith.</p><p></p><p>Faith in ourselves.</p><p></p><p>A very hard thing, when our worlds are collapsing around us.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>True.</p><p></p><p>With malice.</p><p></p><p>I never got that until this minute.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"Smugly knowing how they hurt you...." </p><p></p><p>This is probably exactly true, MWM. I never thought of it that way before.</p><p></p><p>People who do this kind of thing probably know exactly what they are doing.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>I had not thought of it as abuse, either.</p><p></p><p>Of course it is.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"You have to learn why they do what they do...."</p><p></p><p>Much of continuing to interact with an abusive person has to do with how responsible we feel when something goes wrong. We become guilty. We begin to explain how that wasn't what we meant <em>and they will not hear us because that is exactly what they want; that is the nature of the game they are playing.</em></p><p></p><p>Man, what a power dynamic. </p><p></p><p>This is an excellent thread.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 641618, member: 17461"] She is young. It is possible that by changing your responses, the dynamic of the relationship can change. Even just a little change is a welcome thing, when we are trying to help ourselves and our children. Helping others does turn our pain into a different kind of energy. The hurt is still there, but we begin to feel less hopeless. There are two great points here. One, that we can choose to push the pain away and two, that [I]the problem may not be of our making.[/I] If there is a disorder of some kind at the heart of this, your child may not be able to change her behaviors. Our best response has to be to learn all we can about why this is happening and then, to change our responses. I'm sorry this is happening, sorry for the pain of it. But you need to be strong, now. Again, two great points. Acknowledging the child's right to erect whatever boundaries he or she feels are appropriate, and loving the child and ourselves enough to let go of the need to control the situation. With love. I like this because we parents need to know, in our deepest hearts, that our children may not be responding to us. They may be fighting an addiction or a personality disorder or a downright mental illness. Our job is to love them [I]and ourselves [/I]strong and unshakably enough to get us all through this. A piece of that is to let go of judging either the child or ourselves. And that is a very hard thing to do. My first step seems to need to be to let go of my defensiveness, to let go of judging [I]myself[/I].[I] [/I]It is hard to trust our core selves enough to love us all through it when everything seems so dark and I feel I should have been able to prevent it, somehow. We need to stay present. We need to learn all we can and then, proceed on that basis. It's a matter of faith. Faith in ourselves. A very hard thing, when our worlds are collapsing around us. True. With malice. I never got that until this minute. "Smugly knowing how they hurt you...." This is probably exactly true, MWM. I never thought of it that way before. People who do this kind of thing probably know exactly what they are doing. Huh. I had not thought of it as abuse, either. Of course it is. "You have to learn why they do what they do...." Much of continuing to interact with an abusive person has to do with how responsible we feel when something goes wrong. We become guilty. We begin to explain how that wasn't what we meant [I]and they will not hear us because that is exactly what they want; that is the nature of the game they are playing.[/I] Man, what a power dynamic. This is an excellent thread. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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