difficult child#1 wants me to attend a new church with him..

[DDD]

When he is "in his cups" he has a need to talk, and talk, and talk. Often the conversations are very deep and reveal things about him that I have suspected but not known. He has been upset about alot of different things this week and, of course, that leads to his local bar...then getting a lift home to visit with me. Sigh!

Anyway the point of this post is that last night he asked me if I would go with him to a popular Christian church. He has attended services there twice a couple of years ago and most of his easy child friends and their families are members of the congregation. I agreed to do it. Don't know if he will remember that he asked. I realize this could be another baby step forward for him but Lordy (no pun intended) I am tired of difficult child parenting. Whine.

It has big screens and alot of music and prayers. It is popular and dynamic. Selfishly, however, I have two personal issues involved. I grew up in the traditional Catholic Church and it will be difficult for me to attend an intractive congregation. husband and I have a set pattern for Sundays which is our only day off from work. Long ago I made peace with staying home on Sundays...and I value the break from the stressful week. It also will put us back in contact with families who distanced themselves years ago.
Guess I need to pray for the "strength to change the things I can". DDD

 

[HaoZi]

I've had friends invite me to similar places in the past. If this place is like those, and you want to support him, maybe a smaller weekday service? I was also raised Catholic, I understand the wariness.

 

[toughlovin]

I also would feel wary but from a different pont of view. When I was young for a time I got invovled in a very fundamentalist Christian church and eventually really rejected that. So I get uncomfortable in very fundamentalist type Christian churches. Don't know if this church is one but it would make me wary. However I know for many people religion really helps them overcome addiction and if my difficult child found a church that did that for him, I would support him all the way.... so I would go and then make sure I had a place afterwards to vent any feelings I might have about it.

TL

 

[DDD]

The Church is known as "upbeat" "user friendly"....and where the elite meet, lol. It is huge (for a small town) and has very active members in committees that do outreach etc. I am not wary of the Church. Truthfully I know I will not be comfortable and will have to wear my "game face" being reunited with old baseball parent friends, community leaders whom I do see once or twice a year, plus I've been under so much stress lately with husband, business plus difficult child that it's going to be hard to present as a willing visitor. Chances are there will be no signs of rejection of difficult child if I am there with him. Yikes! Chances are that we will be welcomed, embraced and sought out (at least me) for participation. As I said I know it is selfish but I really need a day at home in my pj's since I'm no spring chicken. End of whine. DDD

 

[HaoZi]

Again, see if there's a weekday service so you still have your day off.

 

[DDD]

He wants to attend that Church on Sunday as his old easy child friends are regulars there and welcomed him when he went a couple of time two years ago or so. He also likes being part of a crowd as he is extroverted. So it will be next Sunday unless he changes his mind. I'd say it's 50/50. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

I get it DDD. Mandy and Billie are into these types of things now. Both of them are "into" church now though they go to totally different types. Thankfully Mandy knows me well enough not to even ask me to go and Billie is far enough away to attempt to. Mandy must have the sense of an ant to not attempt to force Cory like Billie threatens Jamie because she knows it wouldnt work. You dont ever get good results with threatening Cory.

 

[Hound dog]

Forward is always better than just spinning your wheels or going backward.

Any church makes me extremely uncomfortable. I have nothing against any of them, ok well there are more than a few that border on being cults in my opinion....especially some of the newer ones, but yeah....thanks Mom. Doesn't mean as an adult I haven't sat through many a service. I'd do it for mother in law on easter and xmas.

I do have a question that sort of popped into my head......if all his easy child friends are going, it's not like he doesn't know people there, so why ask you to tag along?

Anyhoo ....... overall church can be a good thing for the most part. At least he'll be hanging out with pcs.

 

[witzend]

Honestly, these places scare me. They are so slick and our difficult child's can be so impressionable.

 

[Star*]

Wow - I can hear the echo.......echooooo echo......lol.

How to talk about the you-know without talking about you know.

First - I guess like a lot of folks I have a foot in the ship that says - I don't trust men (people in general) not men per se. I have my own thoughts, ideas, and like you have made my peace with ....(insert what I have made my peace with)

Secondly - As far as how you were raised? Well - my thoughts on that are - Anywhere two people have a conversation about YOU know WHO.....then it's actually considered church. So....whether you are kneeling, or lighting candles, praying 5 times a day with a compass, lighting the menorah, chanting, reading from what book - it's all very "human" condition. I'm not trying to forget or exlude any religion or faith. What's in YOUR heart about your relationship is what's important as it pertains to your faith. This is actually why I think most people are so turned off from organized you know and stay out of the boat of hypocritical saililng. Either that or they feel they themselves can't live Monday thru Saturday being one way - go to the YOU KNOW on Either Saturday or Sunday - wash it all away with singing and praying and be OKAY for the rest of the week to mess up. I say - if you need your batteries charged - GO. If you are able to sustain your voltage on a single charge or have a home charger? Go with that.

As far as he has to have you being invited to HIS place of worship - well----I would suggest if that's where HE is comfortable? Let him go. Maybe...(and my thinking is probably just a tad off here) but maybe he just needs the people there to see he HAS a family that is supportive of him and IS religious - kinda like - Well you know - I do come from a good family - here - see???? Then once you make a showing - he finds friends and then Mom won't need to be shown anymore. You go to the Holy XYZ You know place. And then he's in like Flynn - with the place he wants to be at. You go back to You, husband and Ace Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz until noon and being at peace with it - and except for Mothers Day? I think you're good. Sometimes we forget that even RE-introductions to YOU KNOW WHO----these kids want us there with them. Maybe he's just intimidated and figures even with you know WHO.....You'll have his back, put in a few good words......hold the umbrella over his head so the bricks dont fall out of the chapel roof and hit him on the head or lighting doesn't strike him down while he's trying to have a close personal intimate reunion with YOU KNOW WHO.....after the year he's had. Know what I mean?? Seems to me he thinks an awful lot of you to go up against YOU KNOW WHO for him. And since in the last year or so he's heard you call out his name on occasion in conjunction with difficult children? Maybe he thinks you have a direct line or something to get him back in good Graces? (just kidding) but you know how those difficult child's think.

Just a thought mixed with humor.

 

[hearts and roses]

I get it! We used to spend Easter with my sister in PA. But then she started pressuring us to attend her church, also with the big screens and two hour services that were mostly songs. I'm not against that if it's your cup of tea, but if we politely say 'No thanks, we will wait here for you', please, respect that.

Maybe like Star said, you just have to make that one appearance and then he will be fine on his own? And, like Witz, those kinds of places scare me as well, in particular for our difficult child's. Perhaps being there will enable you to offer your take after the service....to help difficult child see another perspective.

Hang in there, bite your tongue, do you have any Xanax?

 

[HaoZi]

Or perhaps he knows he needs a second view on it to be sure of his own impressions, and he trusts your judgement. Expect he also wouldn't feel comfortable sitting by himself (or with the family of a friend).

 

[DDD]

As my Daddy very often said "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions". All my life I have tried to follow through on good intentions...and not just to avoid hell, lol. My former easy child/difficult child was a major easy child who then turned and stayed in the difficult child world because it became comfortable for him. He has some good intentions and acceptable goals but he is not good on taking action...especially actions that could cause him discomfort. I'm sure that his idea of "us" going to the Church together is his way of "testing the waters" with me by his side. Will he follow through?? It's a **** shoot. But in my tireless efforts to support easy child living I have the ball back in his court by saying I'll be ready to go next Sunday at the time you feel best. Interesting. At least it shows he is thinking good thoughts. LOL DDD

 

[BusynMember]

If it were me, I would go once for support. Just once. And he would know it would only be once as I'd explain how comfortable I am in my own church. But I would want to support him finding any sort of comfort in religion. But I'd make it clear that it wasn't going to happen every week.

 

[Signorina]

I agree with Midwestmom. Go just once with enthusiasm but make it clear it's just this one time. Let us know how it goes!

 

[rejectedmom]

I agree with MWM also. Maybe he just need a bit more courage in the form of you to get there and once there he will be able to go it alone. Besides, after you go once you can just tell him that it wasn't for you & that you are comfortable with your own church yet support him in his choice. -RM

 

[Star*]

Well if he continues to beg? You can always thrift it at the local Goodwill.....find some two-toned orange material, and some tambourines...Have you and husband wrap up....start shaking the old cymbals.......and as he comes in the door just start yelling something about "Come on SON!!!!!!! We thought it would be good for you to do an outreach with us next Saturday - OFF TO THE AIRPORT." then dance around the room banging the gong and see if he feels the need to make you feel uncomfortable again.

THen again - after the story Susie* told me about the dark robes and such with her neighbors that one time? If you really have to go dark? Talk to her. Scared the sin out of me! At the very least could keep your difficult child from pressuring you about going back to his idea of an afternoon with a higher power.

 

[DDD]

IF he is prepared to follow through I will be with him for the first visit. He does know peers there and if it goes well I am sure he would not "need" me at his side. The Church is not weird it just isn't as sedate as what I was used to, lol. I will update next week. DDD

 

[Star*]

I'll keep an eye out for tambourines............just in case.

 

[DDD]

LOL. This is not a weird church. It's just not what I'm accustomed to attending. I've agreed to go for moral support but IF he follows through and we go, I am sure he will be fine going alone for subsequent services. Since "lacks the ability to follow through" is part of his multiple evaluations for the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) it may not ever happen. on the other hand I would be really happy if he could reestablish contact with some of his nice former friends. I'll let you know next week. Thanks. DDD