difficult child 2 is now the problem child . . . . . & "My" difficult child 1 is back

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TeDo, Nov 5, 2011.

  1. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    First, difficult child 2 has always been an act now think later kind of kid. However, what changed his status from easy child/difficult child to difficult child 2 is that he has become increasingly impulsive and his reactions are physical, no matter who it is. He isn't on any medications but has the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis and I know puberty has made things worse. When someone says ANYTHING that makes him mad (a lot of times it's his misinterpretation that causes it), he lashes out phisically. Since he primarily plays with his brother and younger kids, he is picking on kids much smaller that him. His therapist and I talked about how he's old enough and big enough now that he could be legally charged if he keeps hurting these little 7 year olds when he gets mad. He doesn't beat them up or anything. What he usually does is push them or slap their hand or swing something at them. He knows as soon as he does it that he's wrong because he leaves immediately after and goes home. But he's 13, 5'10" and 170 lbs. His response is always "that's just who I am!!!" whenever he is confronted with his anger issues. He is grounded from ALL privileges (includes tv, radio, computer, game systems, leaving the house, phone, EVERYTHING) for 24 hours because he was very aggressive with difficult child 1 last night in front of one of the 7 year olds. It turns out that difficult child 2 heard something difficult child 1 said entirely wrong and went into a rage over it.

    On the other hand, difficult child 1 is still sleeping!!! When he endured the physical aggression of difficult child 2 last night for over 20 minutes, he didn't lash back at all (verified by difficult child 2 who you know would tell in a heartbeat)! Instead he called me to tell me what all happened. This is the second time this week he's been on the receiving end of difficult child 2's rage and has not done ANYTHING to lash back. difficult child 1 doesn't complain about schoolwork AT ALL!! He still gets frustrated when he doesn't understand something but he sits with me while I explain it to him. He's actually working hard and is, as of now, getting A's & B's (even on a good day it was B's & C's in past years). He is happier, more flexible, more tolerant, AND he SLEEPS!!!

    Now if I could just get difficult child 2 to a "happy" place (meaning content, typical kid) but I realize he's had to deal with a lot with difficult child 1 for the last several months so I guess I can't totally blame him for being angry but I do blame him for how he handles it.
    Lasted edited by : Nov 5, 2011
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    holy cow, they tag-team you! NO fair! And of course it has to be the big one. That is why q has line of sight supervision now at all times It is in his county risk management plan and his home services plan. I feel like at this point he can't control that stuff on his own so I wont risk not only others getting hurt, but the consequences could be so far beyond anything I could help him with. And they would not help anything (I woudl have him arrested and locked up if I thought it would ever fix anything, but of course it wouldn't).

    Do you think difficult child 1 (in addition to the obvious difference off the medication!) holds back from getting into it with bro because of what recently happened iwth cops and hospital? just curious how he is dealing with all of that.

    Darn puberty. I hope people here will have BRILLIANT ideas for us on how to work through some of that. I am re-reading things at this new phase of life and making a written list of my battles...my baskets as we talk about...so I can really feel like I am systematically trying to reduce both of our stress in the house. i am going to talk to my doctor about my pms symptoms increasing, because HE has bad day when I have pms. (yes i know the true source, my lack of patience)
  3. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    difficult child 1 isn't holding back out of guilt or anything. As I reminded difficult child 2 last night, "THIS is the real difficult child 1. I know it's hard for you to remember what it was like 10 months ago before either of the medication disasters (and ALL the aggression/violence, etc) but THIS is your brother." He seemed to understand so to help the understanding a little more, I told him about the story Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde. He got the analogy once I recapped the story. That is one thing he is able to do. Now I just have to wait and see if he is able to generalize it into "real" situations and remember it when he gets angry with difficult child 1.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    SMILE, yes, generalizing to real life....THE HOLY GRAIL
  5. keista

    keista New Member


    I had a teen tell me that once. My response? "You're just a kid. You don't know who you are yet. You have intense capacity for change so start working on it NOW!"

    I mean, that is the reality, even with our difficult children. Whatever biologic/neurological issues they have, WE don't use as excuses, WE use them as explanations and as a guide to figure out how to best help them. Right? If WE as parents can't use it as an excuse, neither can they. Yes, its' a subtle difference that get lost on younger kids (my DD2 often mimics DD1 and "uses" the explanations I had attributed to DD1. Just like in your situation, DD1 was on medications through the worst of it , though)

    I was also just explaining to sis last night that son was so much easier because he's always had a sunny disposition - glass half full kind of kid. DD1 seems more difficult because she's a "they forgot to give me a glass" kind of kid. :sigh: FWIW I'm considering putting her back on the

    Anyway, so glad you've got difficult child 1 back in his 'normal' state. It's a beautiful thing!
  6. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    When he gives me that excuse, I put it back on him and say "Then YOU are the one that needs to change you. YOU decide who you're going to be and it's my job to teach you how to do that, not FIX you."
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    TeDo... You're in a particularily awkward corner, because of all you've been through with difficult child 1. So, I'm NOT intending to push buttons here, just raising a point...

    When they hit puberty, their brains undergo massive changes. Our psychiatrist explained that if medications worked well before puberty, they may not work at all once puberty starts, or side-effects can go through the roof. Or, if medications were totally a disaster before, they can sometimes work miracles now.

    We totally revamped our approach on medications this summer... and it was worth it. BUT... we haven't had majorly adverse reactions to anything (it either works, or it doesn't... and either way, there are some side effects but nothing over-the-top).
  8. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    Insane, thanks for reminding me but I am very aware of what puberty can do. Let me explain how the medication issues came to be in the first place. In January (9 months ago), difficult child 1 was diagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). The psychiatrist at the time recommended he be put on Risperdal because "it has a great track record of helping kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) with the anxiety". difficult child 1 wasn't having any noticeable anxiety issues even at school but I listened to him (not knowing better) and went along with it thinking it must be a preventative measure or something. Well, within 3 months of raising and lowering the dose, difficult child 1 became very aggressive and destructive. He was sent home from school literally every day within the first 3 hours of school. I finally called the psychiatrist and we stopped the Risperdal immediately. Within a week, the aggressiveness was gone but school continued to deny the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis and treated him unfairly so he became severely depressed. The psychiatrist put difficult child 1 on Prozac to help with the depression. This time, over the period of 5 months difficult child 1 became even more defiant, aggressive, and physically violent until he ended up in the psychiatric hospital.

    What we are seeing now with difficult child 1 is the way he normally is. difficult child 2 however, isn't on any medications and I know it is all Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) and puberty as well as a very rough, almost neglectful 9 months where our whole world revolved around difficult child 1's behaviors that were caused by the medications. Now that difficult child 1 is "back", difficult child 2 is struggling with the change and not remembering what it was like before the medications and the insecurity he's always had as well as the hormone storm caused by puberty.

    I know what's going on but I'm just feeling overwhelmed. At least difficult child 1's behaviors were explainable and easily (once I realized what was going on) "cured". I don't have any experience in puberty much less puberty + Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) + everything else mixed in.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Risperidal for a kid who isn't showing serious problems??? and prozac for secondary depression without tackling the cause???
    I could rant, but I won't. Ugh.

    I'm learning that we have an exceptional psychiatrist. She won't treat symptoms of one medication with another medication, unless the first medication is producing spectacular results and she doesn't think anything else will...
  10. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    Like I have said before, it was a lesson I learned the VERY hard way. by the way, we switched psychiatrists 3 months ago and the old psychiatrist has since "vanished". He was there one day and not the next. No one seems to know what happened to/with him. The nurses at the psychiatric hospital (they are all part of the same network) asked ME if I had heard anything about what happened to him. The psychiatrist we had at the psychiatric hospital has taken over his cases and stated that she's having to fix a lot of medication mistakes he made. She said it's quite a mess.

    Consider yourself VERY lucky.
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    TeDO, that is very scary. I am not one to say sue or whatever, but if difficult child 1 really needs more support and it is from medication errors and the stress it has caused, you might want to see if the clinic where he worked actually checked to make sure he had the credentials to work in the area in which he did. Something sounds so fishy that he disappeared. Although, they say that psychiatrists have one of the highest rates of suicide and I had one in my early twenties who did do just that. Dont think it was me that was the last straw, (sick sense of humor) I wasn't that bad off.
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    We have easy child 1 in therapy to help her cope with difficult child 1's behaviors. Would something like that help difficult child 2?
  13. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    That's why I originally had him start seeing a therapist. But now, his behavior has turned the focus for now to dealing with HIS anger because it's beginning to affect some younger kids in our neighborhood. Once we get his anger under control, we can always shift attention back to living with difficult child 1.
  14. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Geez, no break from the merry-go-round for you is there? I had a pair of brother cats that used to flip personalities with each other like that, but obviously it doesn't quite compare. :S