difficult child 3 is making me crazy(vent and advice welcome) Thanks

[Rabbit]

difficult child 3 is making me crazy!! As some of u know(from my cry for help in the watercooler) difficult child 3 has a "boyfriend " she met online. We live in USA and he lives in Canada. difficult child 3 plans to visit him in June and stay for 2 weeks. He will come down here and stay for 3-4 nights at a hotel right before she goes to Canada. She plans to travel back with him. Our home is a battlefield and there is no way I can stop her. She skypes with him almost 24/7.

 

[gsingjane]

Good morning Rabbit, I am a giant newbie on these boards and so anything you hear from me ... take with a big grain of salt!

I spend a lot of time with teenage girls, and it does seem to me that this phenomenon of "internet boyfriends" is fairly common. I remember being pretty shocked when a young lady mentioned to me that she and her "boyfriend" had "celebrated their six-month anniversary" and it turned out they'd never even met! She and this young man did eventually meet when the girl and her mother traveled to his hometown, but sadly enough, of course, the reality and the fantasy were pretty far apart. I'm no longer in close touch with this girl, but eventually she did decide that it would be a lot more fun to date someone she could actually see. But, for a while, she was obsessed, there is no other word for it.

It would seem to me in your situation that - at least - if the boyfriend is coming to visit first, you'll have some chance to look him over and come to some conclusion about whether he might be safe for your daughter to spend time with. The other suggestion I had was, if she is bound and determined to return to Canada with him, then you really do need to make sure she is using contraceptives and knows about safe sex. I think you will have to assume they will be intimate and it's certainly better to be safe than sorry.

I don't know your particular situation and perhaps you feel this is a terrible idea for your daughter because of some issues that she has. Please excuse my uneducated response if that is so. However, as I mentioned, although this way of pairing up does seem very unconventional to us, nowadays it's more common than we think. Best of luck to you!

 

[rejectedmom]

I can totally understand your concern and the grief that this is causing you. Unfortunately she is of legal age and there is little you can do. I would try to mend the rift before she leaves and then ask her to check in with you at a set rate and time (ie. every other day, @ 8pm). So you know she is well. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy and to keep you updated as to her location and welfare. Hopefully she will agree to this but be prepared for her to say no. The cyber world is a new way of dating and I truly hope she is not getting into a situation. Our children do grow up and leave us and unfortunately it is not always in the way we want them to. -RM

 

[Tiredof33]

Internet 'dating' is getting popular with all ages! I know a very religous senior lady that conversed with a man online for close to 5 years before they decided to meet. I think it was a religous forum, started out as just business and they became online friends texting several times a day, later they decided to 'take it to the next level'. She said within 5 minutes of meeting him she knew she could never date him lol!!

I have meet friends at quilting retreats that I had 'talked' to online for many years and they were nothing like I had imagined them to be.

Back to you lol, from experience with my two stubborn children, the more you try to talk her out of it, the more she will tune you out. They all think we know nothing, hind sight and experience don't count.

I like the idea of her calling at a certain time - if she will! Try to get a contact number to reach her in Canada. I would also be worried, but as pointed out, there is not much you can do.

On the bright side, he is coming to the US to travel with her, so maybe you will get to meet him before she goes.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Rabbit, I feel your pain. Rejected and Jane have already pretty much said what the truth is, that she is an adult and all you can really do it communicate your concerns. Of course, you have the right to impose consequences since she is still living in your home, however, other then throwing her out, I'm not exactly sure what they would be. Teens are notorious for making poor choices given brain development and it's so difficult for parents. I hope you are getting all the support you can get, whatever that is, places you can express yourself and get real care for YOU. (((HUGS)))

 

[Rabbit]

Thanks gsingJane and rejected mom for the responses . I really appreciate them. I put her on the pill and told her to use a condom. Hopefully She will listen. GsingJane described the situation perfectly. difficult child 3 is obsessed and determined. She talks to him 24/7 and ran up a huge bill texting him before I stopped her. They Skpe for hours. difficult child 3 has midterms coming up and has been skipping work. She does have issues like suicide attempt in 2008, ADHd, asthma and depression. I am just really worried about a young girl visiting a stranger so far away. Rejected Mom, difficult child 3 has agreed to call in and I hope She will. Has anyone ever hired a PI? I am having trouble getting a background check. Thanks Hugs Rabbit

 

[Rabbit]

Thanks recovering enabler and tired of33 . U both and everyone here are wonderful! Its nice to express myself. This situation is making me sick..

 

[Tiredof33]

Rabbit, it would me too!! The relationship my 34yo difficult child makes me sick too!!

It's so frustrating to want to protect them and there's not much we can do. I wonder if the police in his area could advise you about doing a background check.
(((huggs)))

 

[InsaneCdn]

Canadian privacy laws mean it will be very hard for you to do any kind of official checking.

 

[welcometowitsend]

I think Insane is right. The laws have changed recently and I think a background check has to be requested by the individual and it is then given to the individual to provide to whomever they choose. You can not do a check on someone else anymore.

Now a PI might be able to do some checking in other ways like surveillance but I don't know how far you want to go.

I would try to get the chance to meet him, get some pics with him and your daughter and just to be cautious I'd take the make, model and license plate of his car (without him knowing, of course).

It's scary but she is an adult and on the plus side if he can get across the border into the USA to meet her then he likely has a clean/pretty clean record because that stuff shows up at Customs.

 

[Rabbit]

Thanks InsaneCdn and WItsend!!!Thanks everyone! Canadian" boyfriend " does not drive. Pictures R a Great idea! They r taking the bus. I called 2 Private investigators- neither has called back. I'll keep u all posted. Hugs Rabbit

 

[dashcat]

Rabbit,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been there a couple of times with my difficult child and online Romeos. Not good. In one situation, she travelled out of state to meet a guy without our knowledge (she was in college in yet another state at the time). That time, we were able to persuade her to return home. She continued the online relationship with him for about six weeks before it fizzled. The next guy lived closer and she moved into a hotel with him. I refused to give her a cent, use my car (she didn't have one at the time) and I would not drive her anywhere. I would see her, have her over for a meal, meet her for coffee,but I refused to meet him. She quickly realized he was no prince charming and moved in with her dad (who enabled her throughout the situation in a big way). She was 19 at the time.

The only advice I can give you is to refuse to enable her in any way. You cannot stop her, but you can let her know she is on her own with her choices. Let her know you love her and that you will always be there for HER, but that you will not help her to live with/go to / whatever / this person at this time. My rule was (and still is) that if a guy is around for a year, things will be different. This kept a couple of of out of state (there were and are still many online romances) guys at bay. "He can visit at Thanksgiving NEXt year". It's worked for me.

Also, I don't know what your home situation is with technology, but I have the only administrative account on the computer, and i've not allowed a webcam hookup. She can skype, but they can't see each other. She doesn't like it but, oh well. It might not work as easily for you - depending on your situation.

You cannot control her choices at this age, but you can set boundaries that make her own those choices.

Believe me, I know how frightening this is. I have lived it and am still living it to a certain extent. Hugs to you.
dash

 

[Hound dog]

((((hugs)))))

I'm so sorry you're going through this Rabbit.

I hope this turns out to be a good kid and an innocent long distance "romance" that fades quickly.

I wouldn't argue with her. She's an adult, her decision. But do not enable this terrible decision either. If this is what she wants to do then she needs to be that grown up and make it happen all by herself. Know what I mean??

I think it is a positive that you'll be able to meet him and spend a bit of time with him. Perhaps that is a good sign.

One of the hardest lessons the parents of adult children have to learn is to allow our kids to make mistakes..........even really bad ones. It's part of growing up. (and yes, it still scares us we just don't let them know it)

Please keep us updated.

 

[Rabbit]

Thanks Hound dog and Dashcat. I will try not to enable her. Thats good advice. With luck maybe the relationship will fizzle before June or during his 5 day stay here. He is staying at a hotel. I would not let him stay here. Thanks Hugs Rabbit

 

[buddy]

So Scary, it just makes me so nervous, too many scary stories.

I hope all is well, as every says, we are so limited once they are adults.....

 

[Rabbit]

Thanks for the response Buddy.

 

[Rabbit]

Again I appreciate all the responses and my friends here !