difficult child and easy child

[Wiped Out]

easy child has been just horrible to difficult child since he came home from respite. Told him we had all kinds of fun without him and that she wish he had stayed. Has been on him about every little thing. She calls him horrible names and says things just to belittle him.

Believe me, I know he drives everyone crazy and is no angel but to her he cannot even breathe right.

She did have a brief spot where she played Wii with him today but other than that it was pretty much constant.

I know she probably was feeling relief at having him gone and then he is back and right up to his usual stuff but her acting like this is unacceptable.

husband seldom yells and finally just lost it and screamed at her to get to her room for the night.

Now he feels bad about yelling but to be honest I don't blame him, it was horrible to hear her constant put downs to him and we had calmly asked her to stop several times. We've had discussion at other points about this but they do no good.

Argh-thanks for listening. My stress level is up very high right now!

 

[klmno]

Geez, you can't get a real break can you? I agree that her behaving that way toward difficult child cannot be tolerated. This must just be making his resistance to going worse, but who could blame him? I only have one child to contend with so I'm not sure, but I'm thinking maybe she should be sent out of the room each and every time she starts that. And maybe next time there is repsite, you and husband go out alone without her having a great time, too.

 

[DaisyFace]

Sharon--

I am so sorry to hear about your day! I hate the put-downs, too...they are so hurtful. Sometimes the best (and only) thing to do is send the kids their separate ways for a while...

I hope tomorrow will be a better day...

Best,

--DaisyF

 

[susiestar]

When we had similar problems I took a page out of my mother's book. I would say to the child doing the nasty comments things like "I need you to take the garbage out now." and "It is time for you to load the dishwasher."

I got ALL sorts of chores done, esp when it was discovered that if they griped about it or argued they got another chore. I never said that if you stop picking on your sister/brother I will stop giving you chores. It took each of them a while to catch on, and sometimes I have to do it again. But generally it works. Esp if you refuse to engage in an argument. Just keep stating the chore over in a quiet tone of voice.

I am sorry that easy child is being so horrid to difficult child.

 

[flutterbee]

Do they attend counseling together ever - like sibling counseling or something?

I'm sorry she was so hard on difficult child...and on you and husband.

(((hugs)))

 

[susiestar]

Just thought of this - you might look into some books about Sibling Abuse. I was dealing with some issues from my childhood and got several books that were very helpful from Amazon. They not only helped me deal with my childhood, but helped me set limits on the kids and encourage them to be better siblings.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Sharon,

easy child is old enough to understand what she is donig is wrong. Jump on this. It's one thing to have your kids argue and fight - it's going to happen. But to have easy child deliberately say hurtful things to her brother is plain mean-spiritedness. She needs to be held accountable. She is a fifteen year old young woman - it's not acceptable.

Sharon

 

[Fran]

Truthfully, it's understandable to not like one's difficult child sibling. Disliking them just fans her fires of discontent. She isn't so nice to you and husband this past year. difficult child coming home probably puts her irritability on high.
Mean is mean though. Arguing is normal ways kids learn conflict resolution. I'm assuming difficult child is pretty mean to easy child. If that isn't stopped she has no other defense but to fight back if she isn't taught a different way of resolve conflict.

When easy child realized he hated his difficult child brother, we tried to bring the awareness full circle. We pointed out that it is the behavior he hates and not the brother who was such a good friend when he was younger. We also pointed out that if we "dumped" difficult child then what was to stop us from "dumping" easy child? They are both our children and we will and have fought for easy child like we do for difficult child. easy child did come to realize that as time went on and he became ill and required surgery. Now there is an acceptance but there is still an air of superiority that I'm not wild about. I see easy child tolerating difficult child. If together for any length of time they do really well but I find easy child more patronizing of difficult child than I care for. As young adults I can not fix their relationship. I hope easy child grows wisdom to realize that every human has worth and deserves to be treated with dignity. Funny thing is easy child is kind and giving and tolerant to every other difficult child he has ever met but his own brother.

I'm just pointing out that difficult child is suffering natural consequences to his behavior. He has decreased capacity but again, mean is mean. Either both stop or neither will stop. Siblings want equal treatment.

 

[Wiped Out]

Klmno-Thanks, sometimes we do go out, a lot of times we just sleep. I think easy child had an o.k. time, we didn't do anything special but she just relaxes more when he is out of the house. She just said it was a great time to hurt him.

Daisy-I agree that sometimes they need to go to different spots, of course, easy child has to get in her extra verbal shots on the way.

Susie-I like the chore idea, think I'll be trying that. Thanks for the book idea!

Heather-Sibling counseling is a good idea. We haven't been able to do it simply due to schedules and logistics but I'm thinking maybe this summer.

Sharon-I completely agree, she is old enough and it isn't acceptable. We did have a talk last night that I'll recap below.

Fran-I agree that easy child not liking difficult child is normal and at times she is very gfgish herself. Through counseling and by us she has been shown other ways to resolve conflict, she chooses not to use them. difficult child is mean to her at times, much more so when he was younger. He does worship the ground she walks on and also gives her tons of compliments. Interesting that you mentioned your easy child kind, giving, and tolerant of other difficult children, so is my easy child.

Last night husband and I went up to talk with easy child about her behavior after difficult child was asleep. She was very mean and defensive, husband finally had it and walked downstairs (he had it because apparently after easy child had watched the Columbine movie in school she told him she also felt sorry for the ones who had done the killings, that they had been bullied, etc... husband said if she could fine compassion for them then surely she could find some for her brother).

I stayed. I pointed out that they were both our children and that even though he has special needs it doesn't make him dumb or o.k. to treat him the way she does. At first she just kept screaming that he shouldn't act the way he is and he deserved it. She said he always acts like he can do things he can't. I explained that was a defense, no one wants to admit they can't read or do other things.

Also I told her that if anyone was treating her the way she treated difficult child we would not tolerate it anymore than we tolerate it from her, that if anyone treated her like that we would be in their face about it. We don't allow difficult child to treat easy child that way, he receives consequences just like she is.

I also explained some of the things that difficult child is really good at like empathizing with others. He is the first one to offer his only sucker to someone who doesn't have it, he'll take care of others all the time and try to make them feel better (if it isn't him who is causing the problem). I pointed out other positives.

In addition, I told her she could learn some things from him, that we can all learn things from one another, that I can learn from all of them. I told her what I can learn from her.

At that point at least, she stopped being nasty to me or trying to defend her actions. Don't know if the talk did any good but I'm hoping maybe some of it will sink in.

As always thank you all for your support. I don't know what I would do without all of you.

 

[crazymama30]

I don't know if I have any advice, but I can sympathize as my kids are currently in this phase. Our problem is difficult child goads easy child into a response, which is usually negative. I am working with her to not respond to difficult child therefore not give him what he wants, and will always continue to work with difficult child on being appropriate. Hugs.